Fantasy Partners & the quick fix

Because spring time brings so many new members to the site, I just thought this was a good time to bring up the idea of patience. Many threads on many BDSM sites deal with the same thing: "the quick fix," fantasy partner. Everyone wants that instant-o-sub or instant-o-Dominant, or that "perfect relationship"--you know the one--they're in every story, every porno. But you know what? It NEVER EVER happens.

Life is life, no matter whether it's o/l or r/l. People are real people--they are dynamic, they are quirky, they are multi-faceted. Someone's submission or dominance is one facet of their life--but it isn't everything. So many times in the chatroom I have seen people "hook up" with velcro collars (i.e. ones that come on & off so fast the buckles can't even get close) and more times then not, it's simply because they didn't look past that "quick fix" idea of just having someone. They forget that the person they getting together with is human, just like they are--they have a life outside of the site, and aren't the perfect image of anything--they are merely who they are. Once the novelty of the fantasy of who the person is wears off, and they realize that the other person really is just a person, they split, and go in search again of that "instant/quick fix."

Many people look at Torq & I and believe that we have the "ultimate fantasy." We met here in the chatroom, we are now 24/7 and both feeling like we have found paradise. We have been together almost 3 yrs now, and each day is a new challenge & a new adventure for us. Has the road been smooth? Of course not. Unlike the fantasy stories, I didn't move in and suddenly find myself in the basement dungeon, being beat and whipped (well... coughs... not all the time). Life is still life--He has a job (*gasp* I know! Torq doesn't just sit at home all day processing stories & reading posts!), and I go to law school (I know, I know, I don't crawl around all day on my hands & knees cleaning...) We pay bills, we run errands, we hang out with friends & family. We are normal people.

My point is this: there is NO "quick fix" and there is no fantasy partner. It took Torq and I a long time to find eachother, and we both feel lucky to have collided in time and space. Searching for the "right one" isn't something that happens over night, it isn't something you can get frustrated over or give up on. However, you HAVE to keep searching until you find "the one." Why? Because you are worth it. Because you deserve it. Don't settle, don't jump into something just because in the heat of the moment you want someone on their knees at your feet, or you want to be at someone else's feet. Take time to get to know someone, to learn what they are like o/l and in r/l, to know what their friends & family think about them, to know what life will really be like beyond the velcro collar.

Patience is a hard thing to have, especially when it comes to finding a partner. But you owe yourself the journey--don't sell yourself short, and don't give up. There are a lot of craptastic Dominants & subs out there, and you have to wade through them to find the right match for you. The right match for you isn't necessarily the most popular person, or the person that all your friends like---it's the person that best fits with you.

So here's to spring, and hoping other people take the time to find paradise, like I did.

Have fun, play safe.

delia

*Kudos in large delia* :D

Very well said and aptly timed ;)

Well written, delia. Thanks for posting.

That was great, delia. What more can I say than what the two before me did?

Well here's my favorite line: "...it isn't something you can get frustrated over or give up on. However, you HAVE to keep searching... Because you are worth it. Because you deserve it. Don't settle..."

i've definitely given up... but your post put a little hope back into my thoughts... thanks...

Very well said, delia and I agree completely! My Master and I met online and chatted for a year before W/we finally met IRL. The road was a bumpy one, particularly since I had come from an abusive marriage, had worn the velcro collar and had pretty much closed off my heart and mind to the possibility of being involved with anyone else again. But Master slowly and patiently broke down the wall that I built around myself. W/we have now known each other 9 1/2 years. And like with you and Torq, W/we do have real lives outside this site and also outside BDSM.

You are very right when you say that springtime brings a lot of newbies here to this site. I have been seeing more and more new Dom/mes and subs here and T/they have all been looking for the same thing: someone to hook up with. And T/they want to hook up with that new person NOW. Just slap that collar on now and let's get crackin'! T/they look at me agast when I tell T/them that Master and I chatted for a year before W/we met (I know Doms and subs who have been chatting for years and have never met and some probably never will, due to mileage, family situations, etc). So Master and I chatting for a year online really wasn't that long, though to the newbies that seems like an eternity. And I can read the desperation in T/their text in the chatroom and in the forums. That scares me, because when a person is desperate that keeps a person from choosing carefully and wisely. People sometimes don't realize just how easily it can be to get burned online and how deeply it can hurt when it happens to you. Patience is a very difficult thing to get past, but you need to have it when it comes to finding the right person online. It's not easy, but it can be done. Delia and Torq are living proof as are I and my Master, RedWraith.

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Originally Posted by sisterhoney61

..."And I can read the desperation in T/their text in the chatroom and in the forums. That scares me, because when a person is desperate that keeps a person from choosing carefully and wisely. People sometimes don't realize just how easily it can be to get burned online and how deeply it can hurt when it happens to you. Patience is a very difficult thing to get past, but you need to have it when it comes to finding the right person online. It's not easy, but it can be done. Delia and Torq are living proof as are I and my Master, RedWraith"....

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Thank you for saying this hun, it's so transparent sometimes and I hate seeing it, as much as I know I may be guilty of the same, as well.

Patience isn't a great submissive trait *winks knowingly*

But truly, it's all about time and 'feel' :)

Nicely put delia. People often forget that BDSM or D/s is just a part of a relationship, & that they're dealing with another human being.

I've been rattling around kinky forums for years now, tied the odd breast harness & done online play with some nice girls. What I've learnt is that a relationship between two people that works is what's important.

Ask yourself- if you stopped the D/s play with your partner, whether online or in person, would you still get on? That's the way I gauge a D/s relationship. Would you marry someone just on the basis of a great sex life?

Ultimately we don't need someone else to make us happy. If that's the case, we may need to grow a little- desperation is NOT appealing! :eek:

Very well put to both Delia and Sister Honey.
I count myself;with shame I admit,to being in the newbie WANT NOW cluster.At least sort of.I`m not truly looking for insta-relationship or anything.
Now and again everyone just wants to play,no?
I try not to sound desperate when in such moods,in some instances however it`s all but overwhelming.

Very nicely put.

delia - so well written - thank you

I agree that you need to take time and from personal expereince - that 'time' can sometimes be years!!

Don't give up, don't settle for second best and when the right one comes along - you will know

minxy x

Does the instant-o-dom come in a plastic wrapping and require water to be added to make it grow to full size? :)

Or maybe you can keep a dom or sub in a glass case on the wall with a sign next to it saying 'in emergency, break glass to release Dom/sub' :)

A lotof very good points made here.

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Originally Posted by suchaminx

delia - so well written - thank you

I agree that you need to take time and from personal expereince - that 'time' can sometimes be years!!

Don't give up, don't settle for second best and when the right one comes along - you will know

minxy x

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Decades sometimes.....:eek:

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Originally Posted by Tojo

Decades sometimes.....:eek:

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Gives the youngins' more time to grow...:30:

Don't despair, wise ones.
Speaking for myself I am old enough to know better, and maybe just old enough to know good advice when I hear it.
But Thanks just for being here, and providing a safe and fun place to learn and grow.
That "you are worth it" thing really takes a long time to internalize, eh?
Or is it just me?

nope its not just you Thrasher im still working on that one lol

it's nice well thought out post Delia thankyou :)

Great, thoughtful, and oh so helpful post delia! And sisterhoney, yours was lovely as well. Both of you brought up a great point about lives outside of BDSM. When asked what *i* look for in a Dom, one of the things that comes immediately to mind is that i want someone that i can get along with OUTSIDE the bedroom. Great sex is wonderful, but in reality, it is a small percentage of our day to day lives. Real life in all it's glory comes barrelling in to steamroll us on a daily basis, and it's nice to have someone beside you that is compatible and supportive.

i too have known many couples online that have been together for YEARS and have never met r/l related too their family or geographic locations. Rushing into meeting someone in real life is not only unwise, but can often be extremely dangerous. i hope that everyone takes the time to truly get to know the person that you are thinking of meeting. Instant fixes sound lovely, but as delia said, eventually you have to get to know the person behind the play. Respect yourself, be safe, have fun playing, but don't forget general good sense. i've often wondered if someone would walk up to a person in r/l, talk to them for five minutes, and propose? To me, a collar has that much significance and when put into that perspective, it seems kinda silly, doesn't it?

i'll stop rambling now, but thanks again delia for such a great post!