A submissive who is afraid to submit?

I'm suspicious of everything. I've heard horror stories about relationships (BDSM or otherwise) and the last thing I want to do is add my own. I've always been cautious ever since I was young because I'm afraid to give up power to someone else. But, at the same time, I feel as though giving up some power might do me some good. And it might relieve my anxieties about not being in control. Trust me when I say that not being in control scares the hell out of me (am I allowed to say hell?). But staying in control is keeping me isolated from any type of romance. Men are intimidated by me in real life because I'm an 'every woman' (i.e great at everything). Perhaps I'm a little bit of a narcissist (no, I'm not afraid to say it). I can't say that I am perfect but I do take care of my body, I do do well in school (dean's list), I excel socially, I am a good leader, and I basically have all the qualities needed in order to be successful. But what I don't have is a man to share it with.

Don't get me wrong. I could charm a man into wanting me. But that's not what I want. Throughout life I've always been in control of everything and, as many Dom/me's know, being in control takes work. I want to be able to relax. I want someone else to take responsibility over what I do and how I behave rather than the other way around. I want someone else to give me orders and tell me what to do and how to behave and what I'm doing wrong. But I don't trust anyone else BUT myself to take on such a task. throughout the 4 years I've been online learning about this lifestyle, I haven't met one man who was willing to do this for me without expecting something in return. Usually that something is sex. A lot of subs don't mind this arrangement because the subs want sex, too. And there is nothing wrong with that. But this isn't about sex with me. This is about being comfortable letting somebody else take the reins. Only then can I stop trying so hard and knock down a few defensive walls I've entrapped myself in. And maybe, just maybe, I might just let someone special in my life. But there is so much negative reinforcement out there.

About 2 minutes after signing up here, I got a message from someone asking me to be their online sub. That I must have a good body and that I must have good feet. What kind of mess is that? And I get this all the time, everywhere I go (I'm sure you do, too). And it just makes me want to build my walls higher and stronger. Because it's men like that who are going to hurt me. Everything in that message was physical. Not "I want a sub with a sweet personality and a sense of humor." But "I want a sub with a good body and cute feet." My body is nice in real life because I exercise everyday. But what if something happened and I gained weight? A man like that would leave me in a heart beat. And then I'd grow even more bitter and unforgiving. (sigh) I just wish there was a way for me not to be so nervous/scared while around around men.

But in short, I simply want to give up control and become submissive for a change. You know, have someone else take responsibility for a change. Any advice about this would help.

well for starters , feel free to take your time sis, relax, dont rush off to be someones "subbie" especially online, at least not until you know the person far better at any rate

its the ones that rush that make the mistakes most often that lead to the horror stories
i know i learned the hard way myself

thier is hope though, our sites own administrators met on this forum and are a beacon of hope for others that meet over the internet and love bdsm

fear of submission is a very common issue with many submissives, i even get it still sometimes depending on the details of what i am told is planned etc on occasion,

some things to remember escpecially being realativly new:TRUST is earned over a long period of time, ACTIONS will speak louder than words, real Dominants have lots of PATIENCE and will take thier time if they are serious and really want to get to know you, DISIPLINE especially self disipline is paramount to growing in your submission, and last but not least COMUNICATION is key in every relationship, especially our kind

as for lame pick up lines, we have a wonderful thread in the forums where a link is posted to a very interesting article written by and for new submissives, its a hoot and so right on target at the same time , i shall look for the thread and post a link here too,

hang in there sis
hugs and kissessdenuseri

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Originally Posted by bambina

I want to be able to relax. I want someone else to take responsibility over what I do and how I behave rather than the other way around. I want someone else to give me orders and tell me what to do and how to behave and what I'm doing wrong. But I don't trust anyone else BUT myself to take on such a task.

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I sooo know what you are talking about. I don't know if I can offer you any good advice, but often it helps to know that you are not the only one and if you need an ear and someone to talk to, I am here for you. How it worked out for me, I met a Dom who didn't so much as ask as He simply took over control (actually I am in the process of writing a blog about how that came to be, lol), but I still struggled for the longest time (I still do) to relax, to obey and submit and feel safe to admit that I need Him.

Patience is a good advice; though from experience I know that doesn't sit well with an overachiever, lol.

This place helps too, so read up!

Its possible to meet good Doms, but only you know what that means for you.

Dont rush it, but eventually you are going to have to take a risk and trust someone.

Take it one step at the time, at the pace you are comfortable, don't be too hard on yourself because you are not able to throw yourself into TPE with the first guy who claims to be a Dom. Trust takes time to build, a person who cares about you will understand that, Dom or not.


Welcome to the library,
:wave:
Adriana

Everyone has had a bad relationship. Regardless of whom you are. Submitting scares more submissives then you think. So your not alone.

I can only speak from my own Dominante nature. but.......

I do not wish a submissive that would not be diserning in her choosing of a Dominante. I want to know that she is my slave/submissive becouse I earned the right. I will DAMNED sure expect her to earn the right to be mine.

One last piece of wisdom. There are not many things worth having that are easy and there are not many easy things that are worth having.

http://www.submissivewomenspeak.net/waste.htm

as promised here is the link from the "Something worth reading" thread, its reccomended for all submissives and yes even the dominants to give a read

Oh denu this is funny. Thank you! :)

your more than wellcum boo, i laughed so hard when i first read it i allmost broke cr, gigggles

Lol and it IS funny. But infuriating at times. To think that some men actually think that way. It's unbelievable and insulting. But I know I shouldn't judge all men in this lifestyle based on what those idiots did. I do wish there was an example of what a GOOD reply would have been.

Well I can assure you you're not the only one here who's scared. I mean: being dominant I'm not the one completely giving over control to another person who might do god knows what and it still scares the shit out of me!

I'm not trying to make you any more nervous than you are already though, my point is just that I'm pretty sure that I guess I'd be more nervous for a newbie like you and myself if we were NOT scared. As people have already pointed out there are good reasons to be careful when you're a submissive and I if I was one I'm pretty sure I'd find any new dom who was not nervous about the kind of responsibility he or she'd be taking quite terrifying!

In my opinion courage is not about not being scared but about facing the things you're really scared of . Bungee-jumping or skydiving is not nearly as courageous if you're not afraid of heights as it if you are, subbing as well is so much more courageous if one is not comfortable loosing control.

So I guess what I'm saying is that instead of worrying about your (quite rational, at least in part) fear about submitting to someone else, you should focus on the fact that what you're doing is quite courageous, especially for you.

That said I agree that you should listen to all the good advice from everyone here about not throwing yourself on your knees for just anybody.

Thanks 'I'. :)

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Originally Posted by bambina

About 2 minutes after signing up here, I got a message from someone asking me to be their online sub.

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Welcome to the internet - A wonderful place where inhibitions are lost because no one can reach out and slap us for misbehaving and acting like fools. On the upside there is plenty of information and some good people.

You’ll find a good concentration of both here, stranger.
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I’m sure you’ll get a lot of interest here being young and innocent. I just hope you’re not scarred away by those who would live up to your expectations and take advantage of you.

If you’ve any interest in speaking to someone within your general age group and basic experience level, I’m always up for a conversation.

Either way, welcome to the community!

I'm sure you'll like it.

-Vic

You sound a lot like me 2 1/2 years ago, and here I am in a M/s relationship. Yes, you read that correctly, not D/s but M/s. That's a huge leap, I know. The thing is, fear will paralyze you if you let it. Let's just say that I was more afraid of becoming an old crazy cat lady than getting hurt in a relationship. LOL

How'd you get over it?

I researched the lifestyle for a year before placing a personal ad on another site. My ad was very specific about what I was looking for. After that, I sorted through literally hundreds of emails before choosing someone who I thought fit the bill. That relationship lasted for a year, and ending it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I learned a lot about myself, though. I updated my profile accordingly. My new Daddy and I are progressing more quickly than I could've ever imagined, but it's mainly because we both know what we want and aren't afraid to commit. There comes a point when you just have to go for what you want or risk spending your life wondering what could've been if you'd only been brave enough to try it. I don't want to live my life alone, unfulfilled, and full of regrets. I have enough of those....

Sounds like common sense kicked in. UGH why is this so hard for me?!!

Hello bambina,

I can assure you, from a Dominant side of things, that there are Dominants out in the web and in real life that would look to take control of a woman and not desire sex. I know for a fact, because I am one of them, that there are Dominants who like to be in control even if I don't always stay in control in My real life Master/slave relationship. There is a dance that happens within a Master/slave relationship, and that dance is a big joy for a lot of Dominants.

On the internet there are a lot of posers who come around looking to pray on women such as yourself, that want to loose control, but don't know what kind of man they want to loose control to. I am not writing this for any other reason then to say that you should indeed take it slow out here on the internet. You should be careful when reading emails, you shouldn't give out things like IM information easily, and you should listen to your instincts even if they aren't great everyone has a build in BS meter, listen to it.

From your post here, you seem like you have a good head on your shoulders, and it seems like there are quite a few subs here reaching out to you. That is a VERY good thing, the "subbie network" is a powerful tool which you should be taking advantage of. Asking questions and taking your time with things is probably the best advice that can be offered at this time. If you need/want any assistance with things, you can message or email me, and I will do my best to answer questions you might have.

Take care and Be Well,

Jaymin

Thank you Jaymin. I don't ask individuals questions, though. I post my questions in the forum so that I can get a wide range of opinions and responses. I'd rather ask 200 people 1 question than 1 person 200 questions. But I hear you man and I won't be afraid to ask for assistance here when I need it.

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Originally Posted by bambina

Thank you Jaymin. I don't ask individuals questions, though. I post my questions in the forum so that I can get a wide range of opinions and responses. I'd rather ask 200 people 1 question than 1 person 200 questions. But I hear you man and I won't be afraid to ask for assistance here when I need it.

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Good bambina, I'm glad you won't be afraid to ask questions. I understand what you mean and I'd be glad to help in anyway that I can. I look forward to talking to you here. :)

A little fear is good for you. Makes the first time all the more piquant.

But yes, take your time. Be sure you find someone who you like as a person as well as a dominant.

And don't let the overly forward wannabe's spoil your curiosity. (Hell, even I get propositioned now and again... even more so before I "capitalized" my nickname.)