CUMMING- Sexually Frustrated and Tired- HELP

Alright I have never started a thread before and am actually really nervous to do this. However, since I can't get on the chat room I thought I would browse the forums and decided to post one... anyways

I am utterly and completely SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED... I am going to give a little background history first and then I will ask my question, the history is needed so you can understand the context of my question

First off let me express within the vanilla lifestyle I am by no means lacking sexual experience.. I have been around the block more the once perhaps 30 times or so.. I have had multiple partner sex, all sorts of sexual positions, vaginal, anal, oral sex.. I have constant fantasies about BDSM sex, I know I enjoy pain to agree and definently humiliation.. I tend to get myself into bad vanilla sexual situations to try to fulfill these needs of mine... Where i live it is difficult to find people within the lifestyle and i am going to attend a munch but its 2 hrs from where i live if you can see my predicament with that.. anyways i have not had a actual caring relationship in about 2-3 yrs.. i basically just have casual sex, to the point it has become an addiciton..

The point of all this is as much sex as i have had and as many different types i have NEVER been able to cum from another person.. i have only had a PG 13 experience with women but i do have bisexual curiosities as well... i can come from myself in about a minute.. my question is ...

Has anyone else had this problem? Do u think it may be a physical problem, emotionally, not fulfilling my BDSM needs.. i am desperate i would just like some real sexual gratification, instead of just jumping from guy to guy to try to fulfill it?

Im not sure if we have the same problem Lucky, but i always have to make myself cum too. I have never cum from actual penetration (something i have been told isn't actually as odd a you might think) and although i can be on the absolute edge of release nothing makes me cum but my own hand - and even then in my own time - not on demand (which i hate so much as i would so love to do that for my master). I have a theory about not being able to cum when im with my master - i think it may be a certain amount of guilt, as my husband doesnt know about him and it makes me feel guilty everytime i meet him - i cant even cum for my master at all!!! Not even one time! He says its ok - but i find it humiliating as i want to please him more than anything! I even make myself cum for my husband - who really enjoys watching me and after 20yrs of marriage is used to my inability to be brought off by a cock inside me. We had a threesome with a friend of his years ago and at the time i was curious if he would be able to make me cum - but fantastic as it was to feel two cocks inside me i still didnt - so, lucky, i have no answer for you, just a bit of reassurance that i dont think there is any underlying reason for our problem, just that some women are built differently - my orgasms - when i give them to myself are sometimes earth shattering to the extreme and my husband says that to watch that is my gift to him (but it doesnt always make me feel better about myself) but after this long ive gotten used to it!! Sorry Lucky, what started as a quick reply turned into an epic, but i hope it has helped in some way. xxx

There are two significantly different issues; not being to orgasm from penetration and not being able to orgasm at all from any sexual contact with people other than yourself. The former could simply just be an issue of sensitivity, wiring, or not having found your personal spots yet. The latter is a psychological issue.

For the former I advise hunting for information on common sensitive areas, talk about how clear you are on feedback, kegel exercises, and spend some quality time with a dildo or your fingers to see if you can find your personal hot spots. Keep in mind that your spots are likely to be surprisingly shallow (within the first few inches).

For the latter your best bet is probably going to be to go through the associative learning process so you learn to connect certain kinds of contact (or some other trigger) with orgasm. This won't be an overnight process, however with someone with some idea of what they are doing and regular frequent sessions, it probably won't take too long. This can also yield success on the former issue, though it will probably take a lot more effort to get the same result.

It's a difficult one... the fact that you can make yourself cum, means there is no physiological issue. It also means that no partner has found the key to you yet; and the first key is going to be in your brain. I have had the same problem with most of my partners (but not all, proving that it can sometimes work). I firmly believe the key is that each of you should be open and willing to give pleasure to the other and to receive pleasure from the other: breaking down of the inhibitions. BDSM is a great world for that, slowly but surely, as confidence grows. It's a question of letting yourself go: abandon. It's also a question of your partner persevering and being observant: learning how you tick, what actually turns you on. And being patient.

I have cum on command, to my utter surprise. Not what I'd call a good orgasm, but it has happened. I have found myself cumming just on remembering my dom's voice telling me to cum - pavlovian training at it's most powerful! But mostly, I find it very hard to cum via someone else, and certainly cumming through vaginal penetration is difficult. That is a frequent issue.

One way is to make sure you please yourself. During penetration, your clitoris is not getting enough stimulation? Rub it. Make yourself cum, and your orgasm will be stronger through also being fucked at the same time. This is also a liberating experience: you start to learn to cum with another and through another.

When your partner is attempting to make you cum - tell them what pleases you. Tell them, left a bit, down a bit, don't stop, etc. Yes, this can seem difficult if you are with your dom: so talk about it, ask permission to guide them if necessary.

Listen to yourself. Be aware of your own inhibitions. Be aware of the little voice inside that starts saying 'oh no I can't' when you start moving towards orgasm through another's hands (or mouth or cock or whatever). Oh yes, you can. Even if it's different.

Use toys together. Does a rabbit make you bounce with joy? Get them to use the rabbit on you. And guide them.

There's a barrier to break: once you have cum once through someone else, you will realise you can. I'm not saying the floodgates will open, but it will become easier. And if not, do what love2please does with hubby, at least you get to cum and at least it's together!

One thing I'd like to say: I can never, ever give myself as good an orgasm as I can get (eventually) through a partner, when they get it just right... it totally blows my mind. And if it takes being tied to a door, whipped, breasts clamped and weighted, and being brought to the brink but not fulfilled for a few hours... THEN finally get to cum till you pass out... It's worth it.

But, I certainly don't cum as often as he thinks I do: yeah I fake 'em. Or rather... I make a lot of noise because it IS good - and because it helps me get past my barrier, helps me build up to it. Only sometimes he doesn't judge the noises right and thinks I am already cumming when I'm not, tells me to cum and then I can't but I don't want to disappoint... etc. So, hey - it doesn't work every time. So what? Sometimes I wait till he's gone and give myself a swifty! What I DON'T do is spend hours analysing and agonising over it. This leads only to more mental blocks.

Of course, your partner has to want to make you cum, has to truly get enjoyment from it. You are unlikely to meet that in casual relationships. In fact if you find it hard to cum through another, casual relationships are the least likely path to changing that. I'm not saying I'm against casual sex (I've done a lot of it myself, too) - I'm just saying, they are probably the least physically fulfilling.

Woah. Havn't been on this forum for a couple of years and my first post is an essay!

As stated above - vaginal orgasm is a lot more difficult than clitoral so you are more likely to cum from clitoral stimulation than penetration. Generally you may find that you need to have a clitoral orgasm before you can have a vaginal one.

Time and patience are the keys here. Your partners need to spend the time exploring you and taking the time to listen to your feedback about what feels good and what does not. It can be silly lying there saying 'left a bit, right a bit...' but it is an essential step and once they get it, you will find it a lot easier. You know where you are sensitive and where you are not. He does not. To paraphrase Geoff in Coupling - 'when you are gay you have a whole practise kit to play with. When a man is with a woman, its live and you have to be able to fly that baby solo on the first try' :)

You also need to relax - both of you. I read a piece of advice from a tantric guide which applies to all sex which is that you have to have the attitude that the outcome is not important. If you focus on an orgasm being the outcome then you will end up getting stressed by it and risk it not happening (and beleive me, you may not think you are stressed but in all liklihood you are). If you remove this outcome based focus and just have fun you may find that you get there a lot easier. Try an intimate massage - some oil, some candles and a lot of gentle stroking on the body and genitals.

Also, have you tried using vibes in play? What about different positions? Or other sex toys? Have fun with it and see what works and what doesn't - just forget about 'trying for an orgasm' because that is the easiest way not to have one and go for it.

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Originally Posted by moptop

But, I certainly don't cum as often as he thinks I do: yeah I fake 'em. Or rather... I make a lot of noise because it IS good - and because it helps me get past my barrier, helps me build up to it. Only sometimes he doesn't judge the noises right and thinks I am already cumming when I'm not, tells me to cum and then I can't but I don't want to disappoint... etc. So, hey - it doesn't work every time. So what? Sometimes I wait till he's gone and give myself a swifty! What I DON'T do is spend hours analysing and agonising over it. This leads only to more mental blocks.

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Thank you for some very good, honest advice in this post, moptop. Welcome back, btw.

But I loved this bit - waiting till 'he's' gone and doing the business yourself shall henceforth in my mind be known as 'giving yourself a swifty'.

lucky, *shakes head* i had the SAME problem. Im probably younger then you, im 24, and all means i am not lacking sexual expierence either. Like i said i had the same problem, actually my first thread on the library (under another name) was about this same thing. Everyone told me 'oh you need to relax' it wasnt about relaxing! I was SOOO comfortable/ relaxed with my exgirlfriend and boyfriends it wasnt even funny, but i still couldnt cum from sex or from them going down on me, or fingering me. Id get REALLY REALLLLLLY close but nothing..

I would masturbate for HOURS i mean HOURS with different toys, positions, porn, thoughts, cybering and NOTHING would work. Nothing. Then you get the mass amount of peole CLAIMING they can make you cum, lol like a god damn free for all.

I even went to my GYN and asked if something was wrong with me. She said nope.

I finally came just though, not through sex though. i dont know whats different about this relationship, im no more comfortable with them then i was with anyone else. I guess it just happeens when it happenes.

since i have been in your shoes, all the advice you are gunna get MAY help you, but it didnt help me. I just waited it out, didnt think about it to much when it was happening, and just let it happen.

So good luck! :)


ps. i STILL cannot cum from sex, alone. There has to be other stimluation going on. Im not gunna push the 'cum with sex' issue bc maybe itll never happen for me, idk. either way, i lived without it for 10 years now i think i wait longer lol

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Originally Posted by Pearlgem

Thank you for some very good, honest advice in this post, moptop. Welcome back, btw.

But I loved this bit - waiting till 'he's' gone and doing the business yourself shall henceforth in my mind be known as 'giving yourself a swifty'.

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official terminology adoption: agreed...
...and very funny

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Originally Posted by shayna

ps. i STILL cannot cum from sex, alone. There has to be other stimluation going on. Im not gunna push the 'cum with sex' issue bc maybe itll never happen for me, idk. either way, i lived without it for 10 years now i think i wait longer lol

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I don't think there are many women (outside porn and erotica) who can easily cum just from vaginal penetration. You usually need something extra. Some women may be lucky enough to get there this way but most I have been with and talked to say they need both clitoral and vaginal stimulation and usually a lot of both. Hence the need for patience.

Also, something which many hetero women are not aware of (from what I have found) is that all women are different in the same way that all men are different (and many hetero men are not aware of this but women are) in terms of what turns them on. This means that sometimes something which worked on an ex may not work on someone else and, in some cases, may even have the opposite effect. To give an extreme example, some women get turned on when you pinch or bite their nipples hard during sex while others scream and punch you in the face :)

Yes, both the above have happened to me... :)

THANK YOU ALL... it has been very helpful... i will try to be more patient.. but i also know part of my problem is even when they are willing to i feel guilty and fake it b/c they will try sooo hard and long... not to mention a HUGE turn on and part of why i still have sex sooo much is to please my partner... i can definently cum myself but only in one particular way.. with all my weight on my hand and not even any fingers inserted inside me.. complete clitorial stimulation.. there seems to be no other position that has worked for me.. i have tried many others... as for toys i myself have used a few vibrators (not a rabbit though) and like guys when they go down on me i am stuck at the edge but cant go over... it is more torcher then enjoyment which would be fun if i was tormented for a long while but eventually was permitted to cum hehe... anyways the guys i have been with considering they have all been vanilla tend to be scared of using toys.. seeing them as intimidating to their own sexual power.. i have mentioned it a couple of times to them and i always seem to get that weird look like are u fucking kidding me.. excuse the language.. oh pss shayna i am 22 lol... i also dont care how i cum vaginally, clitorially, anally (heard that was possible?).. however i just would like to experience it once.. but i do know patience is probably a big problem for me as well ... once again thank you all.. i really appreciate the advice and if you have anymore please feel free to share it with me :)

hmmmm, sounds like a challange, lol well hard to say it could be for many reasons or you just have not found the right guy/girl i am just glad i am a man we dotn tend to have these issues......well i did for awhile i was on a drug.....cymbalta...yes yes an anti depressant.and well it made it very difficult for me to cum by myself or from sex....took well a long time either way....which well the partner at the time loved until she had to suck me off that would take an hour and me helping so to speak watching porn every trick in the book....so in short dont really know what adviose to give you

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Originally Posted by lucky#13

THANK YOU ALL... it has been very helpful... i will try to be more patient.. but i also know part of my problem is even when they are willing to i feel guilty and fake it b/c they will try sooo hard and long...

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Yes... this is an easy trap to fall into and many women do it. The trouble is that by doing this you do set the bar low. This means that your partners will think that it will always be that easy to get you to cum and so will stop trying after that length of time even if you don't fake it that time in a 'but it worked last time!' sort of way.

My advice would be to let them get on with it and not worry about it. Chances are your anxiety about not cumming is what is impeding you and the longer you worry the less likely you are to cum. Its difficult to do so (I know this because I had to do the same thing) but you need to forget about the orgasm completely - lose yourself in the moment and stop intellectualising the process in a 'oh, if I don't cum soon he's going to get bored' sort of way.

Best way is to become a Domme. You'll then have hundreds of kinky, submissive men begging to let them spend hours servicing you for as long as needed. Some of them will even pay for the privelege and won't expect recipricol orgasms in return :)

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not to mention a HUGE turn on and part of why i still have sex sooo much is to please my partner... i can definently cum myself but only in one particular way.. with all my weight on my hand and not even any fingers inserted inside me.. complete clitorial stimulation.. there seems to be no other position that has worked for me..

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Tell your partners what has worked when you are alone and guide them into how to do it. Experiment and play with it until he gets it right.

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i have tried many others... as for toys i myself have used a few vibrators (not a rabbit though) and like guys when they go down on me i am stuck at the edge but cant go over... it is more torcher then enjoyment which would be fun if i was tormented for a long while but eventually was permitted to cum hehe... anyways the guys i have been with considering they have all been vanilla tend to be scared of using toys.. seeing them as intimidating to their own sexual power.. i have mentioned it a couple of times to them and i always seem to get that weird look like are u fucking kidding me.. excuse the language..

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I understand this fear of sexual inadequecy from your partners (all men feel it, at least initially). You need to find some way to boost their fragile male ego and reassure them that it is not their inadequecy that is causing this problem. [*slightly joking*] maybe you could make it a competition 'oh, no man has ever made me cum. Perhaps you are man enough to do it?' :)

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Originally Posted by fetishdj

...To give an extreme example, some women get turned on when you pinch or bite their nipples hard during sex while others scream and punch you in the face :)

Yes, both the above have happened to me... :)

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LMAO!
mmmm nipple biting...

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Originally Posted by lucky#13

...The point of all this is as much sex as i have had and as many different types i have NEVER been able to cum from another person.. i have only had a PG 13 experience with women but i do have bisexual curiosities as well... i can come from myself in about a minute.. my question is ...

Has anyone else had this problem? Do u think it may be a physical problem, emotionally, not fulfilling my BDSM needs.. i am desperate i would just like some real sexual gratification, instead of just jumping from guy to guy to try to fulfill it?

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just wanted to add my little bit - there are times when i find it very difficult to cum - but sometimes it's easy and powerful... can't work out why the inconsistency. but when i'm working the magic myself, if anything is going to work, the "all the weight on my hand" position works - same as you, lucky.

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Originally Posted by lucky#13

i can definently cum myself but only in one particular way.. with all my weight on my hand and not even any fingers inserted inside me.. complete clitorial stimulation..

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It is the same with me. Dildos don´t do anything for me. If I want to come on my own, I like to say it takes 98 % head movie (my own imagination) and 2 % handiwork. *lol*

I would not worry so much. I think the "solution" is taking the pressure out of it (if you think you absolutely HAVE to come right now, it will NEVER happen), and trying to find the right guy - that is, a guy you are comfortable with. If you are at all like me, one-night-stands will do nothing for you.

While I was much younger, I got regularly accused of being "frigid" because, well, it all bored me. I used to think something was seriously wrong with me. I also faked orgasms often to spare the guy who worked his arse off the frustration (and me the accusation of being frigid) because I did not come during intercourse.

It turned out what I need is something else. I do not need lots of pain or beatings, but I absolutely need a strong element of dominance AND trust. I belong to the girls who get off on giving a blow-job without touching myself. *lol*
If that element is not present, it simply does nothing for me.
The romantic candle-light dinner, slow music, and long foreplay sort of thing is the most reliable way to turn me off completely.

Only with my hubby who is also my dom I experienced that it´s possible to come during pretty much any action. It was a long process, though. And I should add all sorts of things only started to happen because he never pressurized me, and never felt "hurt" or "insulted" when I did not come... I could speak about my issues with him, and he told me to stop worrying and just start to enjoy myself... and from the moment on I relaxed myself and knew nothing bad would happen if I would not come, I of course DID come. *lol*

As someone else said: If you can come on your own, there is nothing wrong with your physical functions.
And, again, I doubt you will find what you seek with a one-night-stand.

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Originally Posted by lucky#13

i also dont care how i cum vaginally, clitorially, anally (heard that was possible?)

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Hmm perhaps an all day "button" pushing session with the right person is in order? :)

Really though, why not just get the fingers into the action too? Just watch those fingernails on the downstroke!

Once again THANK YOU ALL SOOO MUCH.. i really do appreciate and enjoy the advice

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I understand this fear of sexual inadequecy from your partners (all men feel it, at least initially). You need to find some way to boost their fragile male ego and reassure them that it is not their inadequecy that is causing this problem. [*slightly joking*] maybe you could make it a competition 'oh, no man has ever made me cum. Perhaps you are man enough to do it?' :)

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ya i will try that.. lol men need to ball up and not be afraid to compete with something electric.. i will try the competition thing and relax.. and try to instruct them..i suppose mostly i just have to relax... i just get so worked up about it all

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It turned out what I need is something else. I do not need lots of pain or beatings, but I absolutely need a strong element of dominance AND trust. I belong to the girls who get off on giving a blow-job without touching myself. *lol*
If that element is not present, it simply does nothing for me.
The romantic candle-light dinner, slow music, and long foreplay sort of thing is the most reliable way to turn me off completely

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Yes i also think a lot to do with it is i have not effectively been completely turned on. Rarely is my need of domination ever fulfilled.. and a lot of the times i get the assholes that just sit there and expect me to do all the work.. and i am the same way i am pretty sure romantic candle-light dinner, slow music, fore play would make me want to vomit

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Only with my hubby who is also my dom I experienced that it´s possible to come during pretty much any action. It was a long process, though. And I should add all sorts of things only started to happen because he never pressurized me, and never felt "hurt" or "insulted" when I did not come... I could speak about my issues with him, and he told me to stop worrying and just start to enjoy myself... and from the moment on I relaxed myself and knew nothing bad would happen if I would not come, I of course DID come. *lol

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ya I know part of my problem is i need to find a regular partner i can feel comfortable enough with that i can work with him to help me cum.. sadly where i live unless i want boys with no teeth their are slim pickings jk LOL

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As someone else said: If you can come on your own, there is nothing wrong with your physical functions.

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LOL sometimes i wish their was.. a lil surgery .. bam i can cum from any guy haha

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Hmm perhaps an all day "button" pushing session with the right person is in order? :)

Really though, why not just get the fingers into the action too? Just watch those fingernails on the downstroke!

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well i have been double penetrated once the only problem i was black out drunk and dont remember it.. i had to be told the next morning.. i wonder if maybe all three areas were to be utilized at once if i would be able to cum

When I first began playing with toys and masturbating, I found there was a way I could get off by myself extremely quickly- it involved using some kind of buttplug or dildo in my ass while using a vibrator on my clit. I would usually cum in less than a minute. Taking this into the realm of sex with a partner- I found that the easiest way for me to cum with a guy is through anal sex with him rubbing my clit. Now, it's not the only way... but you can try taking it one step at a time. Easy parts first just to get over the anxiety. Next maybe just try lots of deep anal sex with no clit rubbing- I also finds this gets me off really easily too. From there then maybe progress to try to get off through vaginal sex, etc.

Sometimes just getting past the initial barrier of cumming with a partner can help the mental aspect. And yes... having the right mixture of dominance involved is key as well. You need mental seduction even more than physical.

Good luck, and don't give up!

I also come far easier and faster from anal sex.
*blushes and hides*

I thought I was the only one.

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Originally Posted by Arria

I also come far easier and faster from anal sex.
*blushes and hides*

I thought I was the only one.

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jeanne makes three.

I'm not blushing, dammit! :p

it has been a long time since i was here, but i am so glad i came back. i also have had this same issue and for the longest time i thought there was something seriously wrong with me. it is good to know that i am not alone, to be able to talk about this openly, is a huge sigh of relief. for me, i can cum alone..with toys the problem is just getting past my head ( i think too much). i have almost cried at times when i want to please my Master and then find that i cant ( or to me it seems that way). thank you...