Any advice would be appreciated

Me and my wife /sub have been together going on five yrs. To say everything was perfect would be an understatement. We have always felt we were meant to be together. In June of this year we were ienjoying ourselves playing, I had felt bad all day not sick just an uneasy feeling. We finished kissed and went to bed, at three that night I awoke in severe pain, it felt like someone was crushing me, she called an ambulance and I went to the hospital that same night I had open heart surgery, triple bypass. I spent 5 days in hospital then came home, started physical therapy, everything was going great{no playing Drs orders} just as I started back normally, no more pysical therapy, I had another heart attack this time had to have a valve replaced. Here is the problem all is okay now. The drs have said it was defects I had all my life nothing I did caused it or could have prevented it. The problem is my wife/sub
can't bring herself to be bound again, We still play but no bondage of any kind, she says that she can't as what happened made her realize she could lose me.
Her fear is valid , I know that when I talk to her about it ,it upsets her, I was just wondering if anyone has an knowledge to help me through this .

Help you through what? I am going to assume getting her comfortable with bondage again. It's been two life threatening incidents in six months. That's a lot. You say "everything is fine" and she thinks "We thought everything was fine before, and look what happened".

You say her fear is valid (and I agree), so you need to do something to directly address that and give her some time. Have you offered anything in the way of safety measures for you? Say, always having a fully charged cell phone in the immediate vicinity, or something akin to lifealert? Take steps to insure your safety so that she doesn't have to worry about having to watch you croak because she was unable to do anything (dinars to dollars, that's what is going through her mind) and I bet she'll be a lot more open to bondage again.

Bondage in most healthy relationships id say is more in the mind than the physics. Ofthen when im tied up og i tie up a sub, getting loose if left unwatched would be pretty easy.
Not allways so but the point is, that really you dont have to use real handcuffs real padlocks and so on.
Theres plenty of slipknots and safety cuffs out there thatll allow for a feeling of restraint but not actually render your wife helpless. Pretty much a mechanical safeword really.

Now it will take some study getting this to work and ill gladly review any solutions you come up with and possibly do a bit of experimenting at home.
This safety bondage issue is most likely relavent to alot of new submissives and dom's training them.

It may be worth looking into emergency release systems to put her at her ease. It may not feel 'like bondage' to you if she can escape at any time but you can see it as a physical equivilent to a safeword - she can only use it when it is an emergency.

Check self bondage sites for hints on how a sub who is tied in certain ways can get out quickly. Make sure there is a sharp knife where she can reach it to cut ropes in an emergency. Use velcro fastening bondage cuffs that she can pull out of easily. Get a pair of 'quick release hand cuffs'.

Another thing that may put her at her ease is if you go to a doctor and have regular checks on your heart (which you may be having already). Tell him that you are engaging in hard physical activity (which BDSM is, most of the time) and want a check to make sure you are ok for it. You can also look at health, fitness and diet in general - get him to suggest a regime which is suitable for you to maintain a healthy enough body to minimise the risks in the future.

The main concern is that, once the heart starts going wrong, it is more likely to keep going wrong. You can manage it with diet, exercise and drugs to minimise the risk but you cannot eliminate the risk altogether. Frankly, any of us, at any time, can have a heart attack no matter what your fitness or age but you are now in a high risk category and her fears are not unjustified.

Being a professional firefighter all my life, I never feared death, I actually found firefighting boring, so I joined a national Heavy tactical rescue team. I knew death could come at anytime. Guess this is my problem not hers, just feel that when my time to go{die}, my time. Don't want to sit around thinking about dying,

Yes I have bought self release gear, velcro and such, also magicians handcuffs. There is no changing her mind she wont even talk about it, so communication doesn't work. Went to see a therapist{counselor}, He said I was in denial,showed me something called Maslows hierarcy of needs, and the stages of acceptance. Told him that I wasn't going to die, but I was not going to sit there waiting for it.

My little one came from a poor broken ,family She stated in the session that she was finally happy, not having to worry,until this happened. Now all she does is worry.

I go to cardiac rehab three times a week, I have had dietary, and healthy living classes. I dont smoke, or drink, my weight is proportunial to height.

I have made sure my little one will never have to worry about money. Its hard when you feel your little one reach out and run her fingers down the scar that runs from neck all the way down your chest, in the middle of the night, crying when she thinks I'm asleep.

Thanks for all the advice you have given, just needed to let it out

That's valuable context. Most people don't have that relaxed a view about death, especially when it comes to people they care about. How long has it been since the last incident? If it's only been a month or two, then this is still very fresh for her. She probably needs more time in that case.

Is this the first time someone she cared about had a brush with death? She could still be in a bit of emotional shock from it. You may not be focused on it, but she still is. You've got a stark reminder of your mortality stenciled on your chest. That's something that will take some time to get past. While she is getting past it, don't push too hard or she'll just close up more.

In short, you have to be able to get into her head and see things the way she does in order to know what the next steps are. It sounds like she needs assurance, so your advised course of action is to find out how to provide that. That's going to be a lot harder as she is unwilling to talk about it. How are your soft skills? Can you get her to expound on what she is worried about? Does she have any close friends or family that she confides to? (not suggesting you pump them for information, just wondering about her emotional support structure).

Don't start taking the blame for it. It's a problem for both of you, as neither of you are happy as things are. At the same time, it's not anyone's fault either. The two of you just have different coping processes, and they aren't compatible in this case.

Start with a karada. You can manhandle her, move her around, lots of control, yet her arms and hands are free, she can get up and walk around, you can tether her but she can unleash herself in an emergency...

She just needs to see you play and playing for a while, without coming to harm, before she will feel at ease being helpless should something befall you. That will happen sooner if you and she play up to, but not including, her total helplessness. Then, a year from now or so, you can incorporate bindings using quick release snaps and other escape mechanisms. Eventually you'll get her back where you want her.

Quick release mechanism. Commonly available from tack shops. Good for pony play too. ;)

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/at...2&d=1261176342

There is a technique called "Bound by Master's Will". One simply commands one's sub to hold a position until released. It has much of the enjoyment of bondage (if not more so, to some) with none of the danger of immobilising her when you need her the most. This should eliminate the "Gerald's Game" scenario.

He said I was in denial,showed me something called Maslows hierarcy of needs, and the stages of acceptance.

Remember that your wife has to go through the same stages of acceptance, and though she may have not suffered that same physical harm as you, she did come close to death (losing you and her life as she knows it). She surely suffered quite a bit more emotional trauma than you. You got all those nice drugs and great round the clock care, not to mention all the hormones that your body releases in case of serious injury (with or without bleeding). She got to stand there and watch her world fall apart, under bright lights and surrounded by people who were talking through her, only pausing long enough to tell her how serious this was, and did she want to see a priest?

She needs time to re-establish her relationship with you, and, especially paramount to a D/s BD relationship, she needs to be able to trust you. She realizes that NOTHING cognitive can guarantee her safety- so finding an alternate way for her to accept her desired role is going to be hard. (doable, but not easy by any means.)

hope that helps, somehow

Thank you all for your advice again.

Tonight something happened that made me realize just how scared , frightened of losing me.
My family {brother ,and mother }called and said they would have to cancel coming down this holiday. I have not seen them since I became ill as doctors dont advise traveling.She broke down in tears after they called and said don't they realize this may be your last Christmas. She had never expressed that fear to me, as she didnt want to worry me.I realized at that moment the depth of her love. I showed her your posts here and we discussed our future together, calmly without her holding back. Tears flowed but she finally let me in,

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Originally Posted by fetishdj

It may be worth looking into emergency release systems to put her at her ease. It may not feel 'like bondage' to you if she can escape at any time but you can see it as a physical equivilent to a safeword - she can only use it when it is an emergency.

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Good thinking. You might consider rope bondage using a half-bow knot. It's pretty easy to tie. Basically, you start it in a halfknot, over and under like you start a square, the loop one of the ends over and finish it like a square -- under, then over. This leaves a loop one one side. If you pull the rope leading to the loop, the whole knot collapses. So you can untie it with only one hand. Otherwise, it's as solid and fast as a square knot. I found a diagram here. The only thing I'd add to this would be tying a knot in the running end or "ripcord" so she can't accidentally pull out the loop the wrong way -- then you'd have an actual square knot.

Just make sure she can reach her "ripcord" and she'll be able to get out of pretty much anything, assuming it's not extremely elaborate.

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ETA: I took a closer look at the army halfbow and see it's not the knot I'd remembered. Still, the one in the diagram looks easy to tie and should work just as well.In

Hmmmm - that looks more like a running clove hitch (aka a Chinese hitch). It releases very quickly when the 'rip cord' as you call it is pulled. It's a popular mooring knot, since it holds well and releases easily, even when the rope is soaking wet. And even nicer, you can make it as tight as you want, because it will still unravel with a light tug on the rip cord.

May I offer up my 2cents as well here? Recently my Dom had a major health scare and I was very worried I would lose Him. So I can understand what your sub is going through. Nothing is worse than thinking you might not have that one person who you have come to depend on for your safety, love, support, and so much that is hard to put into words.

From my experience it is not only the fear that you may get sick while she is bound and helpless to assist you. But, also that she may have a hard time getting into a scene....letting go and allowing you control. I was so watchful every moment with my Dom that I couldn't be fully present and enjoy. His illness required a break from playing, and the first time we tried bondage again after I was physically uncomfortable, not just in the ropes, but within my skin and in my mind. It's hard to describe the fear...I trust Him completely, but I was so scared that I might drop my guard and then something terrible would happen. We stopped that night and spent a long time talking.

All I have found that works is time and slowly rebuilding my faith that I can let go and nothing bad will happen. We had playtime without any bondage, then used Master's will techniques where I was bound by his command alone, and only recently broke out the cuffs and ropes again. The first time I allowed myself to hit subspace again was a major moment, and then seeing that nothing bad happened while I was out of it reinforced everything He had been saying about being fine.

I also wonder if the way your downplay the significance of death, and don't fear it as you say, is contributing to her increased worry. Almost as if she can't trust that when you say nothing is wrong, you are indeed 100%. I needed my Dom to stop trying to be superman for me, and admit to me when He didn't feel well, even if it was "I'm really tired tonight, I think I'm going to go to bed early." Hearing him take care of his physical well being, and not try to hide it if he was doing so great one, allowed me to trust that He was taking care of himself.

Another suggestion: maybe she find a support group for people who have dealt with serious illness in their loved ones. I went to a few meetings, learned how to deal with my fears, heard from people who had gone through similar situations and how they got back to normal. It probably isn't just in the bedroom that she is afraid....so learning how to accept those fears and work past them might help in all areas of your life.

Ok sorry that rambled a bit....much more than 2 cents.... it was selfishly good for me to able to put my own experiences out there. Good luck to both of you. With time and oodles of communication I'm sure everything will work out well. Also, if she ever wants to talk to me she is welcome to message me anytime. Sometimes just voicing your fears to someone else is helpful.

Midnyte- that is wonderful, and I hope you go to have some great "make-up sex" after words.

Another detail I wanted to mention. acceptance vs denial is a false dichotomy. It is not one or the other. Denial is something that a person must go through to reach acceptance. Some people dwell longer in different parts of the process, to reach a point of spiritual (not necessarily religious or faithful) acceptance. I hope you can see yourself and your partner as individuals who are moving along.

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Originally Posted by kurious25

I also wonder if the way your downplay the significance of death, and don't fear it as you say, is contributing to her increased worry. Almost as if she can't trust that when you say nothing is wrong, you are indeed 100%. I needed my Dom to stop trying to be superman for me, and admit to me when He didn't feel well, even if it was "I'm really tired tonight, I think I'm going to go to bed early." Hearing him take care of his physical well being, and not try to hide it if he was doing so great one, allowed me to trust that He was taking care of himself.

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Great point. Very insightful.

I know something about having an ill spouse, and I agree completely with Kurious25 that she might be having trouble letting go at all, she is probably so vigilant with you. Before you move back to bondage, I would see if she can even get into, say, the momentary release of a hard kiss with her hair pulled back, or whatever have been quick and temporary submissive triggers for her. How is she during sex? I'll bet she's terrified. I think you need to go slow, slow, slow, and keep talking about how you both feel. I hope you don't try to talk her out of her feelings - I'm scared I'll lose you/no don't be silly I'm fine now. She IS scared she'll lose you, no matter how you feel about it, and you need to give her slow and easy ways back into the submission.

In terms of the bondage, yes, I think mental bondage and then symbolic bondage like a body harness, and then something that she can get out of easily.