The need for praise

I thought about putting this in the submissive's couch but I figure it's more personal and might work better here.

I found a new Dom just over a month ago and of course, with a new Dom, it's a new 'play style' and a whole new set of 'rules and restrictions' for a submissive to get used to.

In being with this Dom I've actually realized exactly how much was missing from my last relationship in the bdsm front and how my ex's way of 'playing' just did not 'mesh' well with the way I like to submit. Sure, I eventually learned to submit to Him in a way that I thought He might want but it was always something I had to think about and not something that felt natural.

One of the biggest differences was praise. I remember my ex telling me, way back during one of our first scenes, something along the lines of "if I don't say anything, then I liked it"

Another was that whenever I mentioned that I liked that verbal mark of ownership that comes with putting the "My ___" title in front of all 'pet names' he'd say that it was redundant, that when He called me "pet" or "toy" the "My" was 'unsaid' but was assumed to be there.

Also I felt like I was always getting,being or in the process of being punished therefore making me feel like I wasn't ever living up to expectations.

Don't get me wrong, He wasn't a bad Dom, just not the type of Dom that fit well with me. These days I get called "A good girl" because I "work so hard to please her Master" and my pet names are "My obedient little fucktoy" and "My little girl" and I've realized how much I love being praised and helps me be a better submissive.

I hear ya. I realize that not all people need to be praised, but like you I need it. There is nothing better than having Master tell me " Good girl". Makes me mush and know that I am doing well.

Congrats on finding someone who meets all of your needs.

I'm about the same, it always gives me warm fuzzies whenever he uses "My ___." Hearing him say "good girl" always brightens up my day. It gives me a sense that what I'm doing is pleasing him, and pleasing him always makes me very happy and also makes me want to work harder for him.

gotta say the same here, it would be empty for me not to be told i am pleasing Him

LOL... He'll never make manager if he doesn't learn that lesson.

Praise and a verbal pat on the back is more valuable to moral and well-being than a raise. (The raise is expected... the praise fulfilling.)

Even though that's "obvious" it's undervalued by managers and dominants alike.

Now, if my girl does a really superior job, that "pat" on the back is more than verbal!!

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Originally Posted by Ozme52

LOL... He'll never make manager if he doesn't learn that lesson.

Praise and a verbal pat on the back is more valuable to moral and well-being than a raise. (The raise is expected... the praise fulfilling.)

Even though that's "obvious" it's undervalued by managers and dominants alike.

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LMAO, you should tell my manager that at my job!

Oh Oz, you always know exactly what to say XD

Yeah, it reminds me of how every failed relationship should be looked at as a learning experience... what I want, what I don't want, what I need and what I'm missing.

Praise is such a small thing that means quite a lot to me and I can totally relate. My last relationship was of the 'If I don't say anything I liked it' kind of thing and it's very frustrating. You never even know if you should do something again unless told not to specifically. Ambivalence isn't very conducive to a healthy relationship of any sort!

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Originally Posted by Ozme52

Now, if my girl does a really superior job, that "pat" on the back is more than verbal!!

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Yay for "more than verbal"!

I agree with everyone else - being told I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, being told "good girl", hearing the phrases "my girl, my slut", etc...it matters. A lot. It matters that he's pleased with me, and it matters that he cares for me enough to know that I would like to hear that.

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Originally Posted by curiouspet {Crovack}

I'm about the same, it always gives me warm fuzzies whenever he uses "My ___." Hearing him say "good girl" always brightens up my day. It gives me a sense that what I'm doing is pleasing him, and pleasing him always makes me very happy and also makes me want to work harder for him.

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i agree. warm fuzzies, to say the least! part of how my submission works is the more i knew i was pleasing my Dom and making Him proud, happy or excited (especially excited) the hotter it was for me and the harder i worked to get those positive reactions. If He would use a possessive pronoun before any name for me, it was beyond thrilling. i needed the reaction, the feedback to do my best for Him. If His reaction was not positive, i wanted to know that as well, not because i got off on it ( i didn't), but because i knew what not to do next time.
soft

OK just for giggles I'll play the devils advocate.Not knowing the specifics of your situation I'll use general broad strokes. Your Master or Dom may feel your degradation or negative feed back to move you away from seeking approval and back to serving. If I set you to task do I need remind you constantly of your duties? If you require praise for every task done well, are you not toping from the bottom? Do you do this for their pleasure or yours? Is it not your pleasure to please them? Can you not interpret their mood and body language enough to determine if they are pleased or displeased? Do you do this for the pain and suffering, if so would praise not lessen your achievement? One or more of these may apply to your situation or provide food for thought. Thanks for letting me play....Play safe and Be Well

During an extended family counseling session I told the counselor that I had never heard my in-laws ever use the term "I love you". In fact I had never heard "love" used at all. My father -in -law seemed insulted by that and replied "Of course she (my wife) knows we love her. We're her parents." The fact that their actions (physical and mental abuse, control and intimidation) spoke loud volumes to the contrary spoke to me VERY clearly. Tell the person you are close to EXACTLY what you mean. If it is derogatory, be diplomatic and kind. If it is congratulatory be effusive and laudatory. But to ignore or speak in quiet cypher speaks of apathy and unconcern. Hate is not the opposite of love. Apathy is.