Stalked - or just being oversensitive?

Hi there

Sorry about the length of this - I wanted to explain properly.

I hope you guys can give me some advice and guidance. I live across the road from a council estate in the UK and there is a tower block from where you can see into the house I am staying in. A few days ago a man accosted me on my way to work (I walk to the station) and asked me if I was single and wanted to go out for a drink. I don't do these situations well - I know I should have just told him to get lost. But I mumbled something about not being single. He said he had been watching me and always saw me on my own.

I was a bit freaked about it, but thought it would be ok. This morning he was waiting again and insisted on walking all the way to the station with me. He told me is name and a bit about himself and I (stupidly) told him mine. It seemed rude and churlish not to. I refused to give him a phone number. He keeps saying he just wants to go out for a drink and he is a widower and wants to make friends and likes the way I look.

Anyway, I am a little freaked out. On the one hand, I know people meet in all sorts of places and maybe he is just a nice guy who is asking me out for a drink. On the other hand, what if he is not such a nice person. I don't like the fact that he is watching me. It makes me feel creeped out. I am scared to tell him to get lost, because I still have to get home at night and I have to walk past there.

Am I being silly and oversensitive, or am I being typically submissive, not wanting to hurt someone's feelings by telling them where to get off, or am I in danger. I don't know what to think.

Hope you can give me some clarity
Thanks

Hard to say whether it is a stalking situation or the guy is just totally inept socially, but I completely understand why the situation is creeping you out. Personally, I too do not particularly enjoy being rude to people but sometimes it is called for and this seems to be one of those times. For whatever reason your instincts seem to be telling you there is something not right about this situation and instincts I think should always be given attention. He obviously has made you feel quite uncomfortable and no one has the right to do that.

Sorry you are having to deal with this very unpleasant situation and I don't think you are being silly or overly sensitive at all. Good luck and hopefully he can just take no for an answer and go on his way. But if not, you should seek help from the local authorities.

If he accosts you again, I'd recommend telling him clearly that you aren't interested in having a drink with him now or ever. If it makes it easier, just say you are seeing someone or whatever. If he continues to persist after that, then it would probably be wise to contact the police.

well, my first thought is that if you get a bad vibe from this guy, there is most likely a reason- not saying he is stalking you, but that you can certianly tell him to piss off. if he continues to pester you, or makes a scene when you tell him you arent interested, well, he has given you his name. call the cops and tell them.

I'm a firm believer in going with your gut instinct. If he makes you uncomfortable you need to very clearly tell him that you're not interested. You don't need to be rude or anything, just firm and clear.

I often find it hard to say things that I think will hurt someone's feelings but your safety comes first.

Protect yourself!

Safety first.

Definetly involve the authorities if the guy doesnt back off.

Thank you so much for all the responses. I guess trusting my instincts is what I need to learn to do! And tell someone to back off regardless of whether I think it will hurt their feelings. I guess I am really out of practice, I don't get approached anywhere much these days - getting older is no fun :). I was wondering if it is just that I am not used to getting approached, but I think I should trust my instincts on this.

Thanks again.

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Originally Posted by PassiveFlower

I hope you guys can give me some advice and guidance. I live across the road from a council estate in the UK and there is a tower block from where you can see into the house I am staying in.

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How is this relevant to the rest of the explanation? Do you think someone is spying on you from there?

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A few days ago a man accosted me on my way to work (I walk to the station) and asked me if I was single and wanted to go out for a drink. I don't do these situations well - I know I should have just told him to get lost. But I mumbled something about not being single. He said he had been watching me and always saw me on my own.

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Accosted carries strongly negative connotations. Did he simply approach you, or was he actually impeding your path or something like that?

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I was a bit freaked about it, but thought it would be ok. This morning he was waiting again and insisted on walking all the way to the station with me. He told me is name and a bit about himself and I (stupidly) told him mine. It seemed rude and churlish not to. I refused to give him a phone number. He keeps saying he just wants to go out for a drink and he is a widower and wants to make friends and likes the way I look.

Anyway, I am a little freaked out. On the one hand, I know people meet in all sorts of places and maybe he is just a nice guy who is asking me out for a drink. On the other hand, what if he is not such a nice person. I don't like the fact that he is watching me. It makes me feel creeped out. I am scared to tell him to get lost, because I still have to get home at night and I have to walk past there.

Am I being silly and oversensitive, or am I being typically submissive, not wanting to hurt someone's feelings by telling them where to get off, or am I in danger. I don't know what to think.

Hope you can give me some clarity
Thanks

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Here is what I think is probably the situation; The guy probably works, lives, or frequents somewhere in sight of where he approached you, so he's been seeing you walk to work. So lonely guy sees cute girl going by on a regular basis, decides to try to ask cute girl out. He lies about just wanting to be friends, as that's the standard 'please don't lose interest just because I want to get into your pants at a later date' line. Cute girl gave half-hearted rebuff, so he decides to try again. Guy makes progress on second attempt, so he'll try a third time (what does he have to lose?). Now flip the situation around for a second. Say you are lonely girl. How do approach a guy that you see walking by frequently to express interest? Would it differ substantially from what he did?

Reading what you wrote, I get the strong impression that you are one of a sizable chunk of women who have imaginative paranoia. They feel very vulnerable and exposed and let their imagination run away with their fears. As such, they tend to perceive situations and risks to be much more dire and ominous than they really are. They constantly worry about bad scenarios, regardless of how unlikely the scenario is. Real life examples: She wouldn't walk with me through 20ft of low grass because she was afraid there might be a snake (personally, I would be more worried about stepping in dog shit). She freaked out that I walked the 15ft from my car to her apartment while carrying $500 in my pocket, saying I could have gotten mugged (it's not a bad neighborhood).

If you want to get him to stop, I'll echo what the prior posters said: Be firm and explicit in your lack of interest. Don't leave any room for doubt. If he still persists at that point, then you may have something to be worried about (or he may just be a lout).

Carpe Coma, the guy lives in the towerblock across the road. He specifically mentioned that he lives on the 13th floor and that he has been watching me. It was the comment about being watched that freaked me out, more than anything. He watches when I leave in the morning and waits for me to walk past. He is not just running into me as a neighbour might. I hope I am not being paranoid, and that is what I was worried about, hence the plea for advice.

While I do agree that being told by a stranger that he was watching me would freak me out a bit, I do have a couple of questions for you. First off: Have you covered all your windows and insured people (including him) can’t see into your home? If people could see in, consider his comment a good safety tip for you.

Second question for you: Removing how he approached you, is he someone who you would have wanted to be approached by? I would not want to suggest disregarding any internal alarm bells within you. In fact if you truly have them, certainly heed them and be direct with the man (as others above have suggested) and tell him you do not wish further contact. But do ask yourself if you have alarm bells or if you are simply jittery. If you are simply jittery, and not in fact hearing the internal alarms regarding him, then perhaps consider setting a few boundaries where you can feel comfortable and you can get to know him. This might be a good test for him too, as you can then watch to see if he respects your clearly-stated boundary. If he violates this, he violates your trust.

By definition, sexual harrassment in a legal context may be considered any sexual advance or action which makes the recipient feel uncomfortable. It is not the action that is important it is the feeling it generates. So I would say that this is stalking simply because you feel that it is. Especially if you have told him no on several occasions and he persists like this. Find out where your nearest local police station is and either ring their number (not 999, their local office number) or pop in to talk to someone. Tell them the story, tell them how it makes you feel, ask them what actions you and they can legally take. It may be that the police can do nothing but at least your concerns will be recorded and they may do something like ensure there is an officer somewhere nearby at the times when he does this so they can catch him at it (ok, maybe not with the current public services budget but hey, we live in hope...)

oh come on- just cause he is persistent doesnt mean he has a shrine to her in his closet- let's be reasonable.

How can a woman not feel vulnerable or exposed? The fact is there are bad men out there who want to harm women. I, along with every other woman, have had to be aware of that our entire lives.

While I do not live in fear and go about my daily activities in a normal manner I also have to be more careful. And while I am fit and fairly strong (for a woman) I do not for a moment delude myself into believing I couldn't be overpowered by most males.

This person told PassiveFlower that he has been watching her. While his intentions may be innocent, it's still enough to give one pause and I think she has reason to be a bit concerned. If anyone thinks she's being paranoid and we're feeding that paranoia, maybe some need to do a little research about women/girls who have been abducted in their perfectly safe neighborhoods going about perfectly normal activities.

Um, since when did it start to be okay to harrass someone by habitually stalking them on their way out the door? Sorry, but I find parts of this convo a little repulsive. Maybe it's just me, maybe I am ridiculously over-sensitive, who knows. But if I were you, PF, I would take fetishdj's advice: go on into the local police station, and ask for some resources on how to handle Mr. Creepy.

In the meantime. Some helpful hints:

1. Carry a method of self-defense with you, in your hand, when you walk out the door in the morning. I am not saying Mace or Pepper Spray or anything of that nature. But a key works--hold it so that if he gets too close or attacks you in any way physically, you stab him with it. Trust me, a key hurts, esp. aimed in the right spot.

2. I would look into some local classes at a self-defense place. I have a second-degree black belt, and I'll tell you what: I certainly feel safer walking by myself. I take EVERY precaution I can, but still, the urban universe is the urban universe. Arm yourself as much as possible with knowledge. I can take down an attacker in many different ways, and it's comforting to know that I have those skills & that knowledge: it doesn't need to look pretty, it just needs to be effective.

3. Let Mr. Sunshine know in no uncertain terms "NO." Sometimes I think we, as women, aren't necessarily clear in the way we communicate. So if you see Mr. Sunshine again, you simply look him in the eyes, say "No. Leave me alone. If you continue to harass me, I will contact the police."

4. If Mr. Sunshine continues, take a pic of him w/your camera phone. No joke. Stupid, no? You'd be surprised at what people can do with a picture... and how scared they are to have themselves on camera.


Look. You have EVERY right to walk out your door w/o feeling uncomfortable. It isn't about what Mr. Sunshine's subjective intent is. It's about what the objective result of his expressed commentary is doing to you. You don't have to put up with it, and there is no reason to do so. Take some affirmative action to end it.

I also want to comment on this idea of "paranoia": most people are not generally paranoid... they're ordinary, prudent, reasonable people. When a situation occurs that makes you shiver, or makes the hair stand up on the back of your neck, that's enough to set off the buzzers in your head. It isn't paranoia: it's the voice that you HAVE to listen to. Otherwise, you get yourself into REALLY bad situations. And, if it *is* paranoia that someone is experiencing, what could be the absolute worst thing that happens? They simply over-react a bit and are overly cautious? MUCH better than the alternative, no?? Just saying.

It's easy to look at a situation you aren't in & say, "that's insane." But when you are the one in the situation, it is anything but insane--it's very much reality.

Having a shrine is not illegal. That's a psychological issue. The actions that are illegal are those which directly impact the victim and the law deals with those in respect to the extent it affects the victim.

I am not expecting the police to be uber helpful (they have limited resources and legal guidelines of their own to work within) but sometimes the mere fact that you have talked to them can make you feel better and also gives you some ammunition to use. They also have personnel who deal with this sort of thing every day and so know how to deal with it.

This guy sounds like he is certainly suffering from social and/or psychological problems - maybe a form of autism, maybe grief due to the loss of his wife, maybe something else entirely. He may not even be aware that his actions are causing distress and he may not even intend any harm at all. However, it has you concerned and so it is a problem. I don't think this is going to be resolved without external help.

Sounds creepy to me...and he's obviously not reading your "I'm not interested, please leave me alone" signs and body language. Steer clear and ask for help from the authorities if you feel it's warranted.

I would give it one more try of telling him, very clearly, that you are not interested. You don't necessarily have to be mean or rude, just firm. "I'm sorry, but I am not interested in going out with you and I rather you not walk with me anymore." If it hurts his feelings, oh well, as long as it gets your point across. If after that, he still doesn't take the hint, then by all means, contact the police and see what your options are. I would also follow delia's advice, and skittish doe's about making sure your windows are covered so that no one else can look in on you.

I disagree with those who have said you're being paranoid. You're not. If you're uncomfortable, there's a reason. Just be safe, make sure you make yourself very clear, and take the necessary steps you need to to feel safe and comfortable again. Good luck.

This has nothing to do with submissiveness; it has everything to do with you are a woman who is being harassed and you don't feel safe. Who cares why? Not important. You need to make youself feel safe, you have every right to feel safe, and never, ever let anybody tell you that it is "wrong" or "overreacting" for you to do so. As a woman, you have to trust your instincts, because that is all we've got to protect us. You don't like him, you don't trust him, and you don't have to. If it was me, I would find a new way to get to work; or perhaps find a friend to walk with you. That would be my personal solution; and I am a very confident, self-assured, outspoken woman with no qualms about speaking my mind to anybody. And I would choose the most passive option available, because I don't want to find out who this guy is. I don't care. I just want to feel safe. And so should you.

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Originally Posted by Lisais mine

oh come on- just cause he is persistent doesnt mean he has a shrine to her in his closet- let's be reasonable.

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I'm sorry but I must very strongly disagree. If she doesn't feel safe, no one should discourage her from taking necessary steps to feel safe. This isn't paranoia; this is a reality that women face: we are seen as vulnerable to those who might hurt us. This man told her he's watching her. That's creepy. I would buy mace to keep in my purse.

Don't think mace is all that available here... but I personally think all women (and men) should take precautions as a matter of course. Carry a rape alarm at the very least (some places give them away for free). And yes, even confident women (and men) often feel the need to protect themselves by having a friend they trust walk with them or answer the phone etc.

I once had to act as a phone screening service for an office colleague who was caught up in a nasty court case over copyright issues. She was concerned that the other party (who had allegedly stolen her work - no idea if or how it was resolved so I still say allegedly despite it being more than 10 years ago :) ) would try to ring her to threaten her for taking this to court. So, my job was to ALWAYS pick up the phone and ask who was calling and get them to leave a number. If she knew who it was, she called them back. She was a very succcessful, professional, confident woman but she felt she needed protection in that instance (as I think I would too).

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Originally Posted by PassiveFlower

Carpe Coma, the guy lives in the towerblock across the road. He specifically mentioned that he lives on the 13th floor and that he has been watching me. It was the comment about being watched that freaked me out, more than anything.

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See, that is critical information which was left out of the original post. Now if I did see someone that I was interested in, would I watch them for a while? Probably. Not in any peeping tom sort of way, but for the free information. Would I mention that to the person? Never.

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He watches when I leave in the morning and waits for me to walk past. He is not just running into me as a neighbour might. I hope I am not being paranoid, and that is what I was worried about, hence the plea for advice.

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Here is where we reach a point of stupid social rules; if someone is perceived to have gone out of their way to meet someone they are automatically 'creepy'. However, we then turn around and bemoan how hard it is to find someone. So any meeting which isn't totally random is 'bad' which is so mind numbingly asinine that it defies further elucidation.

Is he socially competent? Doesn't seem like it. Is he dangerous? Probably not. Do you have to entertain him if you don't want to? No, just tell him "no" and buy curtains.

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Originally Posted by Carpe Coma

Is he socially competent? Doesn't seem like it. Is he dangerous? Probably not.

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Right, probably not. Except that her instincts are telling her probably yes, for whatever reason. Why should she take a chance at her safety just because he's probably safe? What a stupid chance to take for no reason.

Thank you all for weighing in on this. I really appreciate the advice and I am going to start walking with my key in my hand and try to get a rape alarm. Not just for this guy, but because I walk alone most of the time and it is a good idea.

An update: the morning after I wrote the initial post I waited an extra half hour before leaving the house, but I couldn't wait longer because I had a meeting at work. I was hoping to walk with my housemate, but couldn't wait. I got past the place where this guy usually waits and he wasn't there so I continued on - fast. I thought I had got past him, when he came running after me. I was very tense and tired and I am afraid I became quite rude. I kept saying "you are freaking me out" and "I don't like being followed". He asked for my phone number. I just totally lost my temper and shouted at him that I will not give him my phone number. I sincerely hope that he got the message, but in the meantime I have spoken to my boss and I now wait for my housemate, no matter how late he leaves. I will do that for a while, but I can't lock myself in the house indefinitely. My housemate visits his girlfriend on weekends, and I have to go shopping.

I really hope this is over now. Thanks to all of you. It is sometimes hard to listen to your intuition, because social conditioning takes over. But I think this is a good time to learn to pay more attention to that inner voice.

Many thank you's :)

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Originally Posted by Carpe Coma

if someone is perceived to have gone out of their way to meet someone they are automatically 'creepy'. However, we then turn around and bemoan how hard it is to find someone. So any meeting which isn't totally random is 'bad' which is so mind numbingly asinine that it defies further elucidation.

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Going out of your way to meet someone is one thing. It's a COMPLETELY different thing all together to wait for someone every day as they walk by on their way to work, inform them that you've been "watching" them and try to force a conversation/phone number out of someone who is VERY obviously not interested.

I stand by my "creepy" comment. He is. The situation is. Period.

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Originally Posted by PassiveFlower

Thank you all for weighing in on this. I really appreciate the advice and I am going to start walking with my key in my hand and try to get a rape alarm. Not just for this guy, but because I walk alone most of the time and it is a good idea.

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Absolutely.

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An update: the morning after I wrote the initial post I waited an extra half hour before leaving the house, but I couldn't wait longer because I had a meeting at work. I was hoping to walk with my housemate, but couldn't wait. I got past the place where this guy usually waits and he wasn't there so I continued on - fast.

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See, you are afraid- and you should not have to live like that; this guy has crossed the line.

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I thought I had got past him, when he came running after me.

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This is officially harassment, chasing you.

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I was very tense and tired and I am afraid I became quite rude.

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Why are you afraid of being rude? This guy is invading your personal safety and you're worried about being rude? Good for you for speaking up for yourself!

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I kept saying "you are freaking me out" and "I don't like being followed". He asked for my phone number. I just totally lost my temper and shouted at him that I will not give him my phone number.

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That's exactly right. I'm proud of you!

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I sincerely hope that he got the message, but in the meantime I have spoken to my boss and I now wait for my housemate, no matter how late he leaves. I will do that for a while, but I can't lock myself in the house indefinitely.

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This is a fine temporary solution; but you should definitely contact the authorties and make a report. Even if they can't do anything, just having this on file may give you help in the future.

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My housemate visits his girlfriend on weekends, and I have to go shopping.

I really hope this is over now. Thanks to all of you. It is sometimes hard to listen to your intuition, because social conditioning takes over. But I think this is a good time to learn to pay more attention to that inner voice.

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And keep on listening to it, no matter what anybody tells you. Good for you.

Oh yeah. I definitely agree w/my previous statement: SUPER CREEP. Good call on getting the rape alarm. Till you can get one, you can also use a simple whistle. Sounds ridiculous, but it draws attention, and that's all it's purpose is: get people to turn & look... after that, Mr. Sunshine will leave because he won't want the attention.

NEVER stop listening to the voice in your head. Once you do, you will stop exercising common sense.

Thanks again to everyone for commenting. I have been walking to the station with my housemate for the past few days. I do end up being late, but I told my boss about the problem and he has been very understanding about it. Hopefully the guy won't try again, after the shouting match, but I will definitely keep everyone's advice in mind.

Thanks!

Good luck Flower.

I shall keep you in my prayers.

You always have to think of your safety first and women are in a more vunerable position we cannot afford to ignore our inner voice. Take care my thoughts are with you.

I personally think you've done exactly the right thing.

If your 'internal alarms' are sounding, you're absolutely right to abide by them. If the chap continues to follow you and annoy you, I would suggest getting the Police involved. On the basis of probabilities he is probably 'sad' rather than bad but it's time you got some external support. It's surprising what an informal visit from the Police can actually achieve.

I know it sounds silly, but if he continues to hassle you, please also make a note of when it happened as often the Police can then use that to challenge his behaviour. Most policemen and women will take your fears and concerns seriously.