attachment difficulties in submissives?

Hi everyone,

I'm feeling very conflicted right now, and wondered if other subs experienced this when they first set out on their journey?

In my life I am very independent and also very avoidant of intimate relationships. Part of me yearns to find a partner who is strong enough, mentally and emotionally to hold me in a safe place and for that person I would want to please. I feel so good when I am pleasing others.

But the other part of me can't imagine a life in which I am not able to grow, not able to make my own choices and where I need to be 100% dependent on another.

I have an attachment disorder and it feels like this makes it hard for me to fully embrace being a sub. Trust is paramount in a D/s relationship and I question, can someone who is so fearful of trusting still explore their submissivness?

I don't want to be seen as wasting anyone's time, and I freely admit I am unsure what I want, so I imagine this is not helpful to potential dominants.

Does being a sub mean you cannot still be a person with your own rights and choices, and is attachment just another resistance to overcome?

Any thoughts would be appreciated :-)

Thank you

A lot of what i'm going to tell you is very much my own opinion and not necissarily the way everyon in the lifestyle operates. Every person is different, so it makes sense that ever D/s relationship will be different, dependant upon the wants and needs of those involved. So now that i've got my disclaimer out of the way, here it goes.

Being a sub is all about having your own rights and choices. You choose to submit and you have the right to set any limits you feel necissary and to bring up any concerns you may have with your dominant. Being a sub is not about being a mindless drone that does whatever a Dom tells them to do. It's about trusting your Dom to know what is right for you and help you make decisions and guide you in all that you do.

Trust is a hugely important part, and i think some of your retisance is stemming from your trust issues. *just speculating here, i don't mean to offend* you may not be able to imagine what it is like to trust someone else so fully that you know they will be able to make the right decisions for you and guide you in becoming a better person and sub, so that may be why you feel as though you'd be losing your rights and ability to make choices while submitting.

i believe that being a submissive is the best way to grow as a person, not a hinderance to it. Through the guidance of your Dom you should be able to grow as a person, to do everything you've dreamed of. Your Dom should be there to help you through new obstacles, not hinder you from taking on new chances and opportunities.

All that being said, you can always tell your Dom that a certain part of your life is strictly under your power. Such as, career, where you live, etc, etc. In this instance you would make the decisions for yourself, rather than deferring to the wishes of your Dom.

And just one more disclaimer: This is written in the ideal of an understanding and reasonable Dom, not someone who is just out to totally take over and manipulate another's life. There are always risks when entering a relationship like this, however, you always and i stress, always have the right to say no.

^ Well said, karley.

Another point is that there are so many varieties in relationships. You'll find people who keep D/s just in their sexual lives, and others who live it every moment of every day. I'd think that most fall somewhere in between. The most important thing is that you take the time to find a Dom who complements your needs as a submissive.

<< agrees with the above 100%

and would like to add that submissive doesnt need to equal "dependent"

Karley's reply was spot on in so many ways. I'd just like to emphasise how important the needs and wants of the submissive are in a D/s relationship - I see them as so much more important than the Dom's needs and wants. Obviously both are still important and it's necessary to discuss these constantly, but at the end of the day if the sub isn't OK with doing something (on the one occasion or indefinitely) then it's the sub who "wins" and gets their way, the Dom cannot force anything on you that you do not want.

Hope these replies have helped, and as for "wasting" anyone's time so long as you're honest and upfront about what you're feeling (and your uncertainties) then you won't be wasting anyone's time. Besides which, nobody should instantly expect something from another anyway, expectations come over time :-)

Thank you so much for your replies :-) :-) It has eased my anxiety, and glad you all have such a genuine understanding of what D/s is, and what it isn't. Over time I hope to find the right Dom for me :)

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Originally Posted by denuseri

<< agrees with the above 100%

and would like to add that submissive doesnt need to equal "dependent"

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I agree. Being 'dependant' would mean that you could not run your own life, but why should that be the case? I think it is few doms micro manage their subs.

Good luck with finding a dom who can dominate you to give you that place of safety, and yet give you space to breathe :-)

I am not sure of the specifics of your attachment disorder, but as far as control of your life... the bedroom is the ONE place that I not only CAN be submissive, but NEED to be submissive. I have a very dominate personality which has served me very well in the military and surviving being a single parent and my time as dual military as well as being an Army wife for a second time. Soldiers that work with my husband and ex respect me the same way they respect other Soldiers and look to me for a softer version of leadership (they know I'll hold them to the Army standard and then some, but since I am not their leader, they feel safer approaching me instead of them sometimes). After dealing with the daily trials of Army wife, mother, ex-husband, school and Soldiers and other BS that I run into, it is a relief to be able to just submit and let someone else take control for a while. But as soon as we are done playing, I can turn around, look at Dom and tell him point blank abc, xyz, make it happen Soldier, this is where *I* am in charge!!

I know exactly what you mean Broganna. Since my divorce, I have succeeded in taking care of myself financially and emotionally. That makes me self-confident and independent. I like that feeling and don't wish to surrender it. I call myself a submissive because that's the way I am and wish to be in bed. There does seem to be an expectation in the fetish/bdsm community that a sub will have a dom/master. That's fine with me until I walk out of the bedroom/dungeon. However, I don't want to tie myself to a single person. I don't consider this an attachment disorder. Its a personal preference.

I'm not interested in stealing anyone else's dom; I just want to play with many unattached doms. Maybe I'll find one someday that pushes all my buttons and captures my soul. Until then, call me a slut..lol

Umm...in my case and due to my past problems, I like having the boundaries around me. I mean that most of the time it's really good but there have been times when it has been a bit of a struggle coping with boundaries especially at the start.

That said though, having two people helping to keep me on the 'straight and narrow' has been both reassuring and tricky as I have to deal with meeting their high standards. I think though, I'm a nicer person for it! Even if it does mean I get caned now and again.