Problems with Love

This isn't really bdsm related, but I guess it could be. Since May of last year, when I was sick for 2 weeks, my sexual appetite has EXTREMELY dropped. I am hardly ever horny anymore, and not as hungry for sex or bdsm as I used to be. Before I got sick, I wanted sex, sexual activities, bdsm several times a day. It's really affecting my fiance and my's life. Sex was a huge part before, and now, I feelt like I'm letting him down. We don't really mess around (mostly cuz I can't get into it), and I know it's frustrating him (me too). Anyone have any ideas or suggestions? I would really appreciate it.

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Originally Posted by Kelli

This isn't really bdsm related, but I guess it could be. Since May of last year, when I was sick for 2 weeks, my sexual appetite has EXTREMELY dropped. I am hardly ever horny anymore, and not as hungry for sex or bdsm as I used to be. Before I got sick, I wanted sex, sexual activities, bdsm several times a day. It's really affecting my fiance and my's life. Sex was a huge part before, and now, I feelt like I'm letting him down. We don't really mess around (mostly cuz I can't get into it), and I know it's frustrating him (me too). Anyone have any ideas or suggestions? I would really appreciate it.

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Forget about sex for awhile. If you don't want sex, the more you think that not wanting sex is a problem the more it will become a problem. It seems you are saying its a problem because you feel guilty about satisfying your fiance, not that you are missing it. It seems you need to take a mental holiday from yourself and do something else you are passionate about. Its pointless having sex with your fiance if you are just fulfilling his needs and not your own. My guess that way you will start to resent him. He's going to have to understand how you feel and take the pressure off you to perform.

Oh he doesn't pressure me. He just tries to get me in the mood, and he isn't exactly successful. That's why I feel bad, b/c I know how bad he wants it, and before I wanted it more than him, and now it is such a change. He told me it's alright, and for me not to feel bad, but I really do. Thanks for your advice, although I don't know if I can exactly get it outta my mind....

If you were a guy, I'd suggest a complete physical, because a SUDDEN change in libido that can't be traced to stress usually has a physical cause, but I don't think that's as applicable to women. Of course, you don't say what your illness was. If some virus is lingering in your system, that may still be a factor (or something like Guillain-Barre or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome).

On the other hand, women are at least as susceptible to stress as men. It may be time to check in with your local mental health service and see if that's a factor here. The good thing about community mental health is that their prices are adjusted based upon your ability to pay.

My suggestion is kind of bland and simple but just cuddle. Nothing sexual just cuddle and enjoy the closeness.

Go rent a movie and watch it together. Curl up and read a book together or something but keep away from sex.

I can speak for myself I can say that there are bouts when I am so horny that I can't stand it. And then after that passes there are times when I just want to be close and feel loved.

Sublimate. Don't attempt sex if you're still uneasy or uninterested. Plan time and spend it touching as little as possible.

Talk. If there are things you're keepoing from each other, root those things out and trust each other.

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Originally Posted by Curtis

If you were a guy, I'd suggest a complete physical, because a SUDDEN change in libido that can't be traced to stress usually has a physical cause, but I don't think that's as applicable to women. Of course, you don't say what your illness was. If some virus is lingering in your system, that may still be a factor (or something like Guillain-Barre or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome).

On the other hand, women are at least as susceptible to stress as men. It may be time to check in with your local mental health service and see if that's a factor here. The good thing about community mental health is that their prices are adjusted based upon your ability to pay.

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Mental health? Ummm I don't think I've lost my mind...

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Originally Posted by Nightstalker

My suggestion is kind of bland and simple but just cuddle. Nothing sexual just cuddle and enjoy the closeness.

Go rent a movie and watch it together. Curl up and read a book together or something but keep away from sex.

I can speak for myself I can say that there are bouts when I am so horny that I can't stand it. And then after that passes there are times when I just want to be close and feel loved.

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I agree with this, and am going to try it tonite. We both love movies, so any in mind that may help? Unfaithful is a favorite of ours, that usually arouses me.

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Originally Posted by GaryWilcox

Talk. If there are things you're keepoing from each other, root those things out and trust each other.

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We did a little last night, and I'm sure that will continue. I haven't kept anything from him, and I really don't think he has kept things from me, but I'll ask him.

Thanks for the input, I'll give these things a try. As for me being sick, I just had a bad cold/cough for 2 weeks, fever some days, the usual.

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Originally Posted by Kelli

As for me being sick, I just had a bad cold/cough for 2 weeks, fever some days, the usual.

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ooooo you might just still be sick. i have had a cough/fever :yuck: off and on for over a month now...some people in our office have had "the crud" for even longer. one guy had it turn into pneumonia. no one seems to know what it is other than a really nasty lingering cold :dunno: , but it has me very run down and also not interested in sex in the least. i hope that this ends up being all it is for you as well and that you (and I) are back up to speed soon!

sweetplymate and Curtis both bring up a valid point.
It could be time for a physical or a visit to an OBGYN.

Here's a quick list of things to think about:

1. Your sleep schedule - has it changed?
2. Menstrual cycle? Is it on schedule? Are you using birth control pills?
Have you changed prescription recently? Changed other methods? IDU, etc.
3. Iron in your blood? As in are you enimic?
4. Did you change your vitamins, herbs, etc - add any, take any away?
5. Your stress level - Are you under pressure from work, family, etc.
Are you putting too much pressure on yourself?
6. Is your body temperature running hotter or colder than usual?
7. Going to sound weird - but are you getting enough sunlight
or exercise?
8. Have you gained or lost more than ten pounds in the last few months?
9. Do you give yourself enough transition time between work and "sex play"?
You know, like alone time in the bubble bath with your favorite naughty book/zine, etc?

Meanwhile, enjoy the movie and eliminate the guilt.
:cuddle:
Happy cuddling that leads to other fun things.

A change in libido for women is difficult to discover a cause. One reason is that doctors don't tend to take a woman's decrease in sexual drive as serious as a mans.

With the little information you have given there isn't any way to figure out what the problem could be related to. Alot depends on age, health conditions that you may have, any medications you may be taking, etc.

I read a recent study, one that did study women's libido, linking decreases in hormones (especially testosterone, yes we have it to *smiles*) to a decrease in sexual drive.

What you have given is a symptom of many things. My suggestion is to make an appointment with a doctor. If this doctor dismisses or doesn't seem concerned about your problem, find another.

Just ignore it for a while. The more you think of it the worse it gets.
Let it come naturally !

That is what I think. It worked for one of my subs.

A person cannot solve a problem by ignoring it. Nothing gets fixed by repressing feelings, or by internalizing emotion, or by worrying but not communicating that worry.

I have to say that, barring a medical reason, the best course of action is NOT to ignore what's happening to you. Find out WHY this is happening to you and find out what you need to do to fix it. Even if it means talking to a professional, I'd say go for it.

But first, I would see a doctor. If your sex drive stopped suddenly after an illness, then your body chemistry may be out of whack and some simple medications might help. On the other hand, maybe it's not physical at all and you have an issue that needs to be worked through in your subconscious. Well, your subconscious isn't going to deal with whatever the issue is if you just tell your brain to not think about what the problem could be and how to do anything about it.

See a doctor. And then, if no medical reason is present, talk to someone. Start with your partner, your friends here, email someone you know and trust privately (me if you want to), or see a professional. But don't ignore it and expect it to go away. It won't.

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Originally Posted by sweetplymate

ooooo you might just still be sick. i have had a cough/fever :yuck: off and on for over a month now...some people in our office have had "the crud" for even longer. one guy had it turn into pneumonia. no one seems to know what it is other than a really nasty lingering cold :dunno: , but it has me very run down and also not interested in sex in the least. i hope that this ends up being all it is for you as well and that you (and I) are back up to speed soon!

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I was sick in May 2004, so I doubt I am still sick :)

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Originally Posted by Ruby

1. Your sleep schedule - has it changed?
2. Menstrual cycle? Is it on schedule? Are you using birth control pills?
Have you changed prescription recently? Changed other methods? IDU, etc.
3. Iron in your blood? As in are you enimic?
4. Did you change your vitamins, herbs, etc - add any, take any away?
5. Your stress level - Are you under pressure from work, family, etc.
Are you putting too much pressure on yourself?
6. Is your body temperature running hotter or colder than usual?
7. Going to sound weird - but are you getting enough sunlight
or exercise?
8. Have you gained or lost more than ten pounds in the last few months?
9. Do you give yourself enough transition time between work and "sex play"?
You know, like alone time in the bubble bath with your favorite naughty book/zine, etc?

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1. Some, but not much (sleep in an hour later, go to sleep around the same time, or a little earlier).
2. On schedule, in Dec I changed from the pill to the nuva ring. However since my problems with sex started back in May I'm doubting this is effecting it.
3. Haven't given blood in a while, so I'm not sure.
4. No, same Multivitamin
5. Some about 2 weeks ago (gone now, job interviews), but otherwise no.
6. I haven't noticed a change.
7. Yes I love the sun and I run everyday.
8. Nope. Gained maybe 3, then lost the 3.
9. I have a bath at least once a week, I love them! So I'd say yes.

NiceMaster, I'm agreeing with TG in I don't think ignoring it is especially good for me...

TG, I've been trying to figure it out, one main reason I posted here, to get some outside info. I've also been discussing it with my fiance. We're gonna try some stuff this weekend. He is extremely supportive, and said to take my time, that he doens't mind using "lefty" 'til we get things straightened out. I will see a dr, the only problem is I'm on a temp insurance until mine kicks in Sept 1st for work, so I don't have a lot of coverage and might not be able to afford it just yet.

There are a few illnesses that can linger for years and have substantial effects on your hormonal levels.

I'd recommend, if your Dr hasn't done so already, that you have a blood test looking specifically for the Epstein/Bar virus. Its an indicator for mononucleosis which is frequently overlooked in adult women. My mother got it at 45(was still married, and still no idea how she contracted it either). It then led into CFS(Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) which literally lasted years and had a serious impact on her libido and energy levels in general.

Also check any medications you took to treat that particular illness-especially if you are still taking any. Many medications have a negative affect on libido. You may have to read alot of fine print to find ALL of the side effects, but its good to know what else your medication does.

Hope that helps.

You might still have something lingering around from when you were sick. Like a virus where the cold/flu in May was just a symptom, not the actual sickness. I have a bit of that going on at the moment. At some point I had a virus and now I have some sort of arthritis. I sympathise with the reduced interest in sex, if I drag myself through a day I call it a success :yuck:

If you're feeling off kilter it might be worth a trip to the docs, even if it is just to determine it's viral (or whatever) and it will go away. At least then you know there's an end in sight, and it'll be okay.

I've had 2 physicals, and one gyno apt, and they didn't find anything wrong with me. I even had blood work at my regular Dr. for my physical. I honestly don't think it's because I was sick 8 months ago. I mean if it lingered for over a month, maybe, but it didn't.

If you rule out the physical, then its down to the mental part of the equation.
You can take your lack of "sexual appetite" very seriously
or make a game out of it. A game is much more fun.

-- But I don't want to play, I don't feel like it.

Yes, that's the point. He wants to play with you.
So if you need help getting in the mood, then let him give you all the help you require.

You don't have to be horny to make love or have sex.
Just enjoy the moment, the touching, the feeling, and the sensations
of giving each other pleasure.

Being in the moment is an art form.
It's very hard to concentrate on one thing - sex with your partner -
when we've got a million things on our to do list that aren't getting done.

We all go through phases where something that used to be a big turn-on
isn't anymore. Give yourself permission to find out what your current thing is.

Well, we had sex last night. It was nice, but I was so sore afterwards, much more than I ever was. It felt like the inside of my pussy was coming out or gonna pop. Not to mention a little burning sensation. The act itself was great, and I enjoyed it a lot. Getting in the mood is what I think I have trouble with. Before if I even just looked at a sex toy I was dripping wet. Now even masturbating doesn't do it for me. Reading stories sometimes gets me in the mood, but then again the masturbating isn't as fullfilling. Could I have over stimulated myself before???

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Originally Posted by Kelli

Now even masturbating doesn't do it for me. Reading stories sometimes gets me in the mood, but then again the masturbating isn't as fullfilling. Could I have over stimulated myself before???

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Nothing's as fulfilling as someone else touching you just right... but that's why I suggest sublimation so much. Denying yourself relief can really build sexual energy. It's not as appealing as getting instant gratification, but you're building that energy towards a much bigger release, banking it.

Congrats on the playtime! Go you. Sorry about the unwanted pain.

The little burning sensation doesn't sound good. There's lots of causes, everything from a mild yeast infection to an allergic reaction to any gels/creams, to his seed being more acidic than your body remembers.

You mentioned earlier that you had been on the pill. For a lot of ladies, me included, that revved up my hormones like I was pregnant. For the first six months, I was horny all the time and easily excited. Then I built up a tolerance and kind of got back to being able to think about other things. LOL Now your using something else, which doesn't affect your hormones, but they could be playing games with you, as will a mild infection.

Could you have over stimulated yourself before? It depends on you and your body, perhaps you were at a place where you needed and wanted that stimulation.

Gary - what is sublimation?

Hi,

I, being a migraine sufferer, had to try many forms of birth control before I found one that worked for me. I was on the NuvaRing for awhile and found it did decrease my libido a bit. Although this is most likely not the source of your problem, it could be adding to it. Also, it is very possible that the vaginal discomfort you feel is due to the NuvaRing, as one of it's common side effects (as listed on the maufacturer's website at http://www.nuvaring.com/Consumer/pat...tons/index.asp) is vaginal irritaion. I would go to your gyno and talk to them about alternatives. I highly recommend the Mirena IUD if you are in a monogomous relationship and you are certain both you and your partner are disease free... it is a bit painful upon insertion but stays put for five years with little to no problems.

:)
Hope that helps, and good luck!

I take the ring out for sex. It can be taken out for up to 3 hours, so that's not the discomfort. It's more like he's too big (he's a nice size, but didn't have problems before). We are getting through it. I think if I make the moves first, it's easier to get wet and turned on. I gave him oral last nite, and he was in esctacy (yes it has been a few weeks). I really enjoyed that, so we are going to pull that into our sex lives more.

We have some stresses in our life, so I'm sure once they are gone things will be alright. I also think I have been dwelling and stressing on this issue too much, and that it will probably work out and be fine.

Thanks to everyone for your responses! Maybe my new erotic site will help in that too! (more info in the "general info" area)