What can I do with my Sub wife??

Im a 27 yr old Male whose wife has recently told me she is a sexual submissive. I want to please her and help her live out her fantasies but am not sure how (I don't have a good imagination). I have read some of the stories but nothing in there seems suitable. I need your help. I decided the best thing to do would be to write a few examples of things that turn her on then maybe some one woill be able to help me. I have asked her to tell me but she says half the fun is not knowing.

We were in the middle of foreplay and realised we had no condoms she was naked I was fully dressed also she doesn't drive she asked me to go to the chemist (about a 2 minute drive 10 minute walk) normally I would but I told her to get dressed on go herself and be quick about it.... I braced my self for a load of abuse instead she started getting ready to go when I told her she wasn't quick enough she apolgised... when she came back even though it was 15 minutes later she was dripping wet she told me the chemist was packed and it was really embarassing this seemed to turn her on more. I've told her (outside of the bedroom) that it was her job from now on to make sure we always have a good supply of condoms, she accepted this... I was stunned as she is normally a very argumentative person.

She loves being spanked with my hand or a paddle brush although she says she doesn't actually like pain her arse is red raw when I've finished and she begs me to do it harder.

She loves me making her beg for sex.

She loves me doing her with a dildo and hinted she would like it if I did her with other "household" things but I don't know what.

Although when we have "normal" sex she can't stand the taste of cum she licked my dick clean the other day.

She has fantasies about me humilating her in public places ie making her suck me off in a club, making her flash etc we have a family so this is out of the question but something along these lines would be good...

She loves me calling her names and telling her shes a crap fuck and is shit a giving head etc.

She also has fantasies about me shagging other women in front of her and making her do things with them and other men.

We have a very strong relationship and I would never do anything to jepodize it... Please some suggestions.

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Originally Posted by gs77

Im a 27 yr old Male whose wife has recently told me she is a sexual submissive. I want to please her and help her live out her fantasies but am not sure how (I don't have a good imagination). I have read some of the stories but nothing in there seems suitable. I need your help. I decided the best thing to do would be to write a few examples of things that turn her on then maybe some one woill be able to help me. I have asked her to tell me but she says half the fun is not knowing.

We were in the middle of foreplay and realised we had no condoms she was naked I was fully dressed also she doesn't drive she asked me to go to the chemist (about a 2 minute drive 10 minute walk) normally I would but I told her to get dressed on go herself and be quick about it.... I braced my self for a load of abuse instead she started getting ready to go when I told her she wasn't quick enough she apolgised... when she came back even though it was 15 minutes later she was dripping wet she told me the chemist was packed and it was really embarassing this seemed to turn her on more. I've told her (outside of the bedroom) that it was her job from now on to make sure we always have a good supply of condoms, she accepted this... I was stunned as she is normally a very argumentative person.

She loves being spanked with my hand or a paddle brush although she says she doesn't actually like pain her arse is red raw when I've finished and she begs me to do it harder.

She loves me making her beg for sex.

She loves me doing her with a dildo and hinted she would like it if I did her with other "household" things but I don't know what.

Although when we have "normal" sex she can't stand the taste of cum she licked my dick clean the other day.

She has fantasies about me humilating her in public places ie making her suck me off in a club, making her flash etc we have a family so this is out of the question but something along these lines would be good...

She loves me calling her names and telling her shes a crap fuck and is shit a giving head etc.

She also has fantasies about me shagging other women in front of her and making her do things with them and other men.

We have a very strong relationship and I would never do anything to jepodize it... Please some suggestions.

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Two ideas and one important suggestion:

You could work a lot of these favorites of hers into a naughty schoolgirl roleplay fantasy. Look naughty schoolgirl up on the web. Sounds like she'd like roleplay -- can you stay in character? Another version she might like is to be "kidnapped" in public (careful not to get caught!) and raped.

The other idea is to take her to a sex toy shop at night (to be safe). Either have her pick out what she likes and "force" her to both buy it while you watch and then use it on the way home or somewhere along the way.

The suggestion is to take it very very slow. Safety is imperative. Much better to have the two of you wanting more afterward than have regrets polluting the life. Enjoy.

her_Joe

gs77,

Welcome to the forums and feel free to ask questions anytime. Her_Joe is right on about taking is slow and protecting your relationship.

One of the biggest tasks ahead of you is separating the fantasy of what turns her and you on from how far you two are willing to go in reality.

I've recently updated the submissive activity checklist from Mistress Jade's thread to help a sub and dom clarify those desires. It's also been updated for switches and doms to fill out their own list.

For example, a gang bang may be a hot fantasy, and while your domming your wife, you can describe in naughty language what she would look like, how you'd let her be used and abused etc., you may not ever want to actually do that activity in real life.

Just going through this checklist with her can be a turn on.
You fill out one for you, she fills out one.
Compare notes and determine what will work best for you.

To your success and a long happy, healthy relationship,

Ruby

Most recent checklist can be found here:
http://www.vampirespet.com/ActivityChecklist.html
as of July 1, 2005

I really was helped out by some books on the topic. They spelled things out, weren't as confusing as some of the info you find on the 'net which can sometimes make you feel like you aren't a "real player" unless you walk around collared and in leather all day long, which is BS.

We have oodles, but some basic ones are "The New Bottoming Book", "The New Topping Book", "Screw the Roses, send me the thorns", "Senuous Magic", and one we don't have, but most of these books recommend is called something like "What to do when someone you love is kinky".

These talk about the basics, help you get a feel for things and explain the basics of different subs and tops(and us poor switchs :) ) because subs/tops get off on different things. For example, DH and I have no interest at all in spanking, but that's the first thing people think of when they think BDSM.

HTH and good luck. It's a lot of fun and helps you outside the bedroom as well.

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Originally Posted by Ruby

gs77,

Her_Joe is right on about taking is slow and protecting your relationship.

One of the biggest tasks ahead of you is separating the fantasy of what turns her and you on from how far you two are willing to go in reality.

For example, a gang bang may be a hot fantasy, and while your domming your wife, you can describe in naughty language what she would look like, how you'd let her be used and abused etc., you may not ever want to actually do that activity in real life.

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Ruby,

gs77's concern might be fairly common--I know it is one of my concerns that what is hot and turns me on in my fantasies might turn out to be destructive of my relationship with my wife/Domme if we ever did some of them in real life. Your suggestion of describing a problematic fantasy while playing is an excellent alternative to actually doing it in real life.

Steve

Hey, most importantly please don't put too much pressure on yourselves. This is a learning curve...take your time and grow together rather than thinking you need to be the perfect or the fully accomplished Dom right at the start. All Doms have to start somewhere and that's what you're doing.

And also remember that everyone makes mistakes...these don't have to mean damage to your relationship. Make sure you're both agreed that you'll be trying new things and that if at any time a certain activity or play needs to stop then that's what will happen. This is why we have safewords. Making a mistake or trying something that ends up not working is fine so long as you don't make the same mistake again or you know when to make a graceful retreat and try something else.

'After care' and debriefing also is pretty useful.

I wasn't clear from what you'd written...but talking things over with your partner/sub is also a good way to go. It might be she has some more ideas about the kinds of things she'd reall get off on...especially since she may have been thinking about this longer than you.

A few ideas though in case you've not considered them:

Rituals - have her practice particular sexual or submissive positions/stances and then instruct her to get into these positions when you're playing. You can touch or play while she holds the positions...kinda vulnerable yet submissive since she holds them and doesn't react or move away. Then later you can start to use these in a non-sexual setting to get her aroused and 'needy' any time you like. Eg. she is to greet you at the front door in one of your favourite positions...or must do a series of these before she can get into bed...or while you're watching TV...anytime you want to get her all hot and moist.

Bondage - with some long, soft rope and some practice you can probably come up with a passable harness to bind her tits and then feed around her crotch...to hide under her clothes and go in public with you like shops or restaurants. I also like to use a dog chain/choker as a cunt chain...held in place with a scarf or two tied around the waist. Helps to remind her of her submisison and also to set up some expectation of later play.

Body writing - she could be given instructions about a list of words and on certain occasions when going out or to work or whatever she is to choose one of those words and write it somewhere on her body - breast and cunt lips would be standard. The words I can leave to your imagination. Again, its a bit of preparation and expectation for later.

Earning her pleasures - Maybe its time to start a little more pain or discipline play. Instruct her she is to start earning her sexual pleasures. Oral sex performed on her might be offered...then she is told it will only happen after a set number of strokes of your belt on her bare ass. Of course you can combine the 'earning' with some touching and stimulation to help her get even more motivated to see through the pain. Of course this is meant to start with fairly gentle pain play.

And it doesn't have to be pain either necessarily. Maybe there's a few things she finds yucky or hard to do...peeing in front of you might be something in that area.

The point is to 'train' her not only to learn the 'value' of the pleasure you give her but to heighten her sesne of submission to you by gradually challenging some of her comfort limits.

Good luck with it - you've started on a very exciting and amazing journey...and doing it as a couple should only be rewarding.

If you'd like I'm happy to work through more ideas directly - jaro_99@hotmail.com

Jim

Humiliation photos:

Start a photo library (great for privacy, these digital cameras). Start with simple stuff - parade her in her costumes / appliances. Then work up to captions, like holding a placard or banner with "I am a fuck slut" up while in costume.

Once you have worked into a routine, photograph your progress. Keep an album of prints with a title on the spine. Get a remote control so you can take photos of yourself dominating her in your chosen manner (or maybe penetrating her, etc.)

Just an idea!

Another good book that I am reading as a refresher,or for beginners is THE LOVING DOMINANT by John Warren.

Congratulations! You two are going to have so much fun!

My boyfriend and I are fairly new to all this, too, and it looks like we will never end up being very hardcore with BDSM. Ditto to what everyone said about taking it slow, and great idea in describing really dirty/dangerous fantasies during sex rather than actually acting on them.

A fun way to do that while also learning what she likes would be to tie her up--you could use rope, household items like scarves or belts, or something from a toy shop--and "interrogate" her about her fantasies. Spank her until she confesses, or get her excited but hold back fucking her.

It's always interesting to see people who write, "My S.O. is submissive; I want to learn to be dominant so I can please him/her." Learning to be dominant is also very much about learning to receive pleasure, in fact, to demand it (within the boundaries of your relationship/play). Spend some time thinking about what you would really, truly like her to do to you, without worrying about whether she would enjoy it. For her, her discomfort is part of the fun!

Talk about stuff before and after you do it to make sure it's working for both of you. And be extra sensitive when you're playing--when people are subbing, they can become vulnerable in ways they've never known before, and may need extra cuddling, reasurrance, etc. afterward. You certainly don't want her thinking she really *is* a lousy fuck, especially when she's standing on her head with tassles hanging from her nipples to try to please you.

Good luck!

Hi,

This is my first post, but this thread is exactly the kind of problem I am facing, gs77 you are not alone.

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"My S.O. is submissive; I want to learn to be dominant so I can please him/her." -Blue_Monday

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That is exactly the question I have asked myself. I think me filling in a little background here may be useful, so I will digress to that briefly. I have been seeing my girlfriend for almost 6 months now, and living together for almost 3. We clicked with each other almost instantly, and I know that she is the only person for me (I'm sure there are a lot of people out there that can relate to this). The only area that we have a problem with, which we openly discuss, is sexually. When we first met, our sex lives were (as far as I was concerned) great. I have always been into kinky sex - light bondage, gags, blindfolds, toys - from both submissive and dominant roles, and I have a very high sexual appetite / desire. Though for me the 'kick' out of it all has always been the sex side of it, the pleasure derived from the physical contact, the teasing and playing sexually more than mental 'games' or control.

My girlfriend has had previous BDSM relationships, and is by preference submissive, though she is also better at dominating me, than I am her. She sees things in a totally different perspective than me, and this is where I feel that there is a problem. She will look at (for example) bondage porn and be aroused by the control, and interested in the sensation that the rapoe would cause, the way that it is tied etc, where as I will look at the more vanilla and stereotypical aspect and appreciate the fact that someone is half naked, and that they are unable to do anything about it. Ok, there is a control side to my appreciation, but I have never explored it a great deal deeper than the surface.

gs77, it sounds like you have a very healthy sex life, and I think that you will be able to slowly integrate Sub/Dom play into it very easily with your wife being of the mand set that she is. If you are like me, then the difficulty is being dominant enough to 'force' her into submissive play. Personally, my worry is that I can't control the situation properly and that it will be a turn-off, or dissuasive. I find light bondage very easy to apply, and the easiest way to increase your imagingation in that sense, it to ask yourself 'How can I tie her to that?'. Even things that may not seem initially obvios, like a sofa. If you were to have your wife kneel on the seat, facing the back, then bind her hands, run the rope under the sofa, and tie it to her ankles. She is restricted to some degree, but still able to move and squirm.

You sond from your post to be able to be pretty dominant, I think it is all about confidence. If you feel happy trying something, then you should try it. As other people have said, if something isn't working, then youcan look at why. Mistakes will happen, but that is all part of the learning curve.

Good luck to us both.