Safewording unnecessarily

There's something thats been bugging me all day -- but first off, my situation. I'm in an online D/s relationship (with the emphasis of relationship over D/s) with my Master who's as new but as interested in it as I am. Our D/s relationship began in a rather weird way, as we met in a completely non-BDSM-related environment, and the D/s dynamics built up gradually.

It was hard going, but remarkably satisfying, especially recently as I learnt not to top from the bottom, to truly obey and submit, and not to misbehave to get what I want. Along those lines, he began implementing serious punishments as 'motivation'. For mouthing off and disobedience, I was made to go 4 days teasing myself but unable to attain release. This was -really- hard on me, being new to real submission as I am, and also considering the fact that I generally masturbate once a day, if not more. Also, he had already made me go for equally long stretches without satisfaction twice shortly before that, meaning I had only been allowed 3 or 4 orgasms in the space of about 2 weeks.

The end of 4 days finally having arrived today, I couldn't help but beg him profusely for permission to orgasm, but was told to be patient. Some time later, I asked again. As I probably actually deserved, he told me that I'd not get it for another day. I complained, and got a few more days added on, with the order to be silent. I freaked out and begged him to reconsider, which got me (no prizes for guessing) another few additional days, with the order to be silent AGAIN.

Then (and I am not proud of it), I 'safeworded' -- we don't have one, but it is mutually understood that when I go completely out of subbie mode and say seriously that I don't want to continue, that everything stops right there. And then he explained what he was doing -- a mindfuck. He'd actually intended to allow me to orgasm just before he logged off that night, if I had shown that I was willing to obey regardless of how hard it was for me. In that case, it was the mental submission that he probably wanted.

I was totally disappointed in myself, seeing as I'd ruined the entire thing. He didn't make me feel bad about it, but I just did. Why was I so weak as to give up and safeword just when I was made to do something that I disliked and felt that I couldn't take? I'd done things that I disliked before, but this one just kinda pushed me over the edge to the point where I conveniently safeworded in order to avoid doing it.

I do intend to talk to him about it later on, but I'd really appreciate input from fellow submissives as well. How do I avoid this from happening again? I really want to give up my control, to have to submit to whatever he wants regardless of whether I like it or not. But being able to just call a halt to it at the crucial moment where your mind is being fucked with is just... so tempting. How do I/we overcome that? How did you? Breaking off contact if I safeword too much simply isn't an option -- as I stated, the relationship supercedes the D/s.

Off the top of my head, I'd guess you're having troubles truly submitting. How long have you been in this relationship? Do you think that you're still working on building your trust in him enough to be able to better submit? Do you have any other concerns about the relationship, something that might be lurking in your subconscious?

I don't think it's unusual to feel bad about safewording; I always do. Even though I try not to do it, because I trust my husband more than I can possibly say, it can be very easy to become overwhelmed and feel that panic start to set in. In the end, I feel like I've let him down by not trusting him as I should.

Whenever I have used my safeword I had ended up feeling like that. Challenging myself as to whether I had actually just wimped out. It is very hard to say, and it is right that now, after the event you do discuss it with your dom. You both need to learn from the experience. But remember, at the point at which you used it, you felt as if you had been 'pushed over the edge' and you could not take any more then. Hind sight is a wonderful thing, which we do not have.

Don't be too harsh on yourself, you are in the process of discovering how far you can take your submission. There are no right answers to that question, other than what is right for you; but as far as your dom wants to take you is the wrong answer!

You are right you should not fall into the habit of using your safeword as an easy option, but when I was struggling with just this issue, I was told that if play never took me up to the point of me having to use my safeword it had never filled all my submissive space.

Hope that helps a little

cariad

I have to say from a Dom point of view ---That I have never felt let down by my subs use of a safeword----but my Idea in our relationship is for us both to enjoy what is happening to the fullest ----when it comes to the point that she uses our safe word ---all things stop ---no questions about it---

I know she trusts me but I am the one who insisted on the use of a safe word and since then we have a great relationship--It is more an understanding than anything beteen us ---there are times when what we do gets intense---and while I precieve she is enjoying something ---it may be getting just too intense for her---rather than turn something we are enjoying into something that she has stopped enjoying ---I personally would rather just stop at that point---

I would say talk it over with your Dom---you may be suprised that they really do not feel let down by your use of a safe word ---and it will make your experiences all the more satisfing----

the use of the safe word also helps your Dom set your limitations---so they know when to let up or stop the next time before you get to that point of having to use the safe word without that knowledge ---it is hard to know when to stop or let up ---

Putting in a thought, even though you didn't ask for a dom's point of view,


I commend that you used the safeword rather than silently disobeying.

The mighty Oz has spoken... /salute with respect, as always.

I agree with everything that has been said. It is a learning curve for both of you. My sub used her safeword for the first time recently during a phone session. She is a masochist, and she strives to please me. I felt it important to push her to that point prior to her being here with me fulltime, because my real presence makes her want to submit even more. I wanted her to 'say' the word, so that it registered that it's hers to use whenever she needs, for whatever reason. Everything stopped instantly when I heard it, and then we talked about it. Both of us have comfort that it happened, because I trust that she will use it when needed, and she knows that I treat it with the proper respect. And yes, during the 'pushing', it was safe, sane, and consensual and was done with an activity that wouldnt actually hurt her, since i wasnt visually present to gauge the affects. Her nipples are still a little sore ;)

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Originally Posted by phantasy_seeker

I do intend to talk to him about it later on, but I'd really appreciate input from fellow submissives as well. How do I avoid this from happening again? I really want to give up my control, to have to submit to whatever he wants regardless of whether I like it or not. But being able to just call a halt to it at the crucial moment where your mind is being fucked with is just... so tempting. How do I/we overcome that? How did you? Breaking off contact if I safeword too much simply isn't an option -- as I stated, the relationship supercedes the D/s.

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Instead of beating yourself up mentally, you might want to congratulate yourself on using your safeword.

CD - cum depraviation - is not for everyone. It might end up being a hard limit for you. If you normally relieve yourself at least once a day, it helps you sleep better at night, makes you friendly to be around, etc. then are forced for days to withold that pleasure, well.... you might not be a whole lot of fun to be around.

* winks and smiles *

You have to ask yourself if the control of your dom is more fun than getting to orgasm. Because in a ssc relationship, fun is an important part of the recipe for success.

Do you enjoy mind fucks?
That's a whole other topic for you and your dom to discuss.

About safewords:

If you want to slow down, but not stop, you might want to add more safe words. The old green, yellow and red work wonders.

With yellow being - "slow down, caution, I'm really having problems with this, etc."

If you had called a "yellow", and said, "whoa", I'm really having problems with this, I need to discuss it, would you have felt better than calling the whole thing off?

If yes, then that may be one strategy for the future.

Take care, give yourself lots of hugs and aftercare and hopefully your dom is, too.

Be prepared to experience a bit of "sub drop" and remember as other's have mentioned, hindsight is always 20/20.

I congratulate you on using your safe word.

Everyone has given good replies, but I can't help but want to add my two cents.

One thing I've had to come to terms with is that submission isn't always going to be a non-stop party. It's not always gonna be fun. CD isn't necessarily fun right then, but the orgasm after is (imho) fantastic. My Master has had me keep myself aroused without letting me cum for a couple weeks in the past and, while not a barrel of laughs, I eventually appreciate it 1. because I have the most intense orgasms after and 2. because it teaches me self-restraint since he hasn't always been on the phone to tell me to stop when I'm getting too close.

Submitting when you don't want to submit should (again my opinion) be what brings the ultimate satisfaction to you and your Dom. In domestic situations, you might not want to do those three loads of laundry or sweep and mop the floor, but you do it because it's what he wants and you desire to please him.

You mentioned that you couldn't help, but beg to be allowed release, even when he added days..... I encountered a phrase a while back that really helped me. "How can we expect another to control us if we can't first control ourselves." Sometimes, hon, we need to just bite our tongue and say "yes, Master" even if we don't necessarily agree. I've said just that to my Master. "Just so you're aware, on occasion when I say 'yes, Master' I may be submitting to you, but I don't always agree with you." And that's fine. It's not always going to be where you're both wanting the same things, but...that's when you understand that, because he is the Dom, his way goes.

Okay, this turned out much longer than I intended. *grins* I really hope this works out for you. Take comfort in the fact that he did heed your "safeword" even if somewhat misused. :)

*hugs*

My 3 cents worth.

Don't want to re-hash over what has already been said. All great and valid points from obviously very experienced technicians in their respective fields :)

You might want to consider filling out a BDSM check list, if your Dom is getting you to do things you do not want to do, then this has to be known to both of you. The checklist is a sure fire way of decreasing the communication breakdown. Especially if are required to do tasks over a long distance relationship.

I'm sure you didn't use your safeword lightly...and even if it might seem that way looking back with the knowledge you have now (that he was only messing with your mind) - at that point you felt things were overwhelming. To me, that's what counts - not what makes sense now.

I think you did the right thing in letting your dom know about how you felt and raising the stop sign...please don't feel bad about it and talk, talk, talk with your dom! *hugs* :)

Thank you so much all for your replies! :)

Maddie: I do have trouble submitting at times, but due mostly to my headstrong and bratty nature, not because of lack of trust. He's never done anything that made my trust in him waver. We've known each other for over half a year, but the true D/s and training started maybe over a month ago.

Oz: Yes, dom PoVs are always welcome as well! *laughs* Disobeying sneakily is something I'd never do, it ruins the whole point of not only the D/s, but the relationship as well.

The thing is, as angelfreak said, I don't need nor even want the actual process or activity to be fun all the time. We aren't in just a 'scening' BDSM relationship (although I see nothing wrong with that type). I would not call it 24/7 if that was even possible online -- the D/s is not always shown and we do plenty of non-BDSM things together, but it is always lurking behind the surface. What'd be the point of punishment then if I could disobey and then safeword if I did not like it? I need something to deter me, or some way to deter myself. That's what I need to know: how do other submissives keep themselves from taking advantage of this 'control', and truly give it all up?

It seems to me that you made a mistake, didn't trust him & don't want that to happen again.

Well it also seems that you're only human.

Maybe you can just forgive yourself & relax?:wave:


Tojo

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What'd be the point of punishment then if I could disobey and then safeword if I did not like it? I need something to deter me, or some way to deter myself. That's what I need to know: how do other submissives keep themselves from taking advantage of this 'control', and truly give it all up?

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Safewording as I understand it, is something that saves you from mental or physical overload. You need to let your dom know if you think things are going too far.

The thing is, though...that sometimes 'too far' IN the situation seems a lot different from what seems bearable looking back later. If it seems like you can't cope - that's where it has to end, period. Maybe, after talking about it later on, your limits and stamina will change for the next session - but that's a new situation; it shouldn't make you feel bad about safewording out of the last one.

A different thing altoghether - to me - is, when you honestly look at yourself and find that you've been toying with your dom. And I don't mean that from the 'looking back' kind of view. I mean retracing your steps in that situation and encountering thoughts of 'how far is he willing to go' or 'can I push/tease him into something else'. That would be something I'd adress if I came across it.

Somehow, from what you shared with us in your initial post, I don't think that was the case there, though. It might have been teasing initially, but when he took you up on it, it went too far for you, right? Then hell yeah, good choice to safeword out!

What deters me from abusing an option to stop play? I fear his disappointment when he finds out I'm manipulating. And yeah, he would, lol. I obviously can't lie that well...or not for very long. ;) Oh...and I like being a sub - topping is just not my thing...not even from the bottom, lol.

Hi again phantasy_seeker,

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Originally Posted by phantasy_seeker

What'd be the point of punishment then if I could disobey and then safeword if I did not like it?

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That's a good question. Were you truly being punished? Did the punishment end because you safe worded or did you both reset the situation and you still must pay for some "behavior" by submitting to a penalty from your dom?

Or is this about his will? He wanted you to experience something and you safeworded to avoid that experience?

When adults use the word "punished", we have to be clear about if there is truly some behavior that is being punished between the "oh, I'm naughty - punish me" game.

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I need something to deter me, or some way to deter myself. That's what I need to know: how do other submissives keep themselves from taking advantage of this 'control', and truly give it all up?

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You've asked two things here. Both good.

One how do you keep from taking advantage of this safeword 'control'? This is where your dom steps in to asks questions like:

Did you just safeword?
Did you mean to do so?
Are you trying to get my attention?
Do you really want me to stop?

If your dom forces you to stop and think about what you are doing, he can retain control of the situation and you can "give" control back to him.

How can you "truly give it all up"?

What exactly are you giving up?
The right to defend yourself?
The right to make decisions?
The right to stop?

Am looking forward to hearing about what you want to accomplish here.

Ruby

PS

Blunt Ruby time.

What'd be the point of punishment then if I could disobey and then safeword if I did not like it?

The point would be to keep yourself from being abused in a manner that you do not want to experience. And as an adult, why should you experience it?

The point would be to keep yourself physically and mentally safe.

I know too many subs who have experienced great physical pain, mental anguish, and who've ended up in the hospital, because there "dom" and I use the term loosely, decided they needed to be punished.

Be safe, know yourself and your needs.

A D/S relationship requires both partners to keep each other safe. The title of dom or sub does not a mind reader make.

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Originally Posted by phantasy_seeker

Why was I so weak as to give up and safeword just when I was made to do something that I disliked and felt that I couldn't take? I'd done things that I disliked before, but this one just kinda pushed me over the edge to the point where I conveniently safeworded in order to avoid doing it.

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IMHO
Possibly something caused you to drop you out of role, out of the zone, out of the matrix into the real world. In a role, certain things need to happen to keep the bubble going. This all happens in the mind. It's not a question of doing things you don't like, or having things done to you, that you don't like. For me that is part of the idea. But if the overall picture starts to fade and the important buttons are not being pushed, the moment can be lost and doing something you don't like becomes pointless.
Just a thought.

BDSM play can be very complex, :shithappe when something goes wrong don't worry about it, it happens to all of us, nothing to beat yourself up over. unless you're a masochist, then, er, I hate this paradox stuff.

We live, we learn, don't worry about it, go off and have more fun.

Dear phantasy....safewords are there for the use of the Dominant as well as the submissive....there will be times in all relationships when we may need to use them.....not just in scene either. Having a safeword that can be used at anytime is a healthy way of informing your partner that you may be feeling uncomfortable/ unwell or that what is happening must stop immediately.

It goes hand in hand with achieving a happy, healthy balance in our union with someone we care for and about.

Regards
Shredder1

Thank you all once again. It's been a while and we've both learnt much. He to slow down and not take the orgasm denial too far (yet? ....eek!), and me to just tell him how I feel, then shut up and trust that he will make the right choice -- to push me but not beyond what I can take. Thankfully, I've never felt the inclination to take advantage of the safeword thus far -- guess it was just paranoia and confusion on my part. :)

phantasy_seeker,

Thanks for the update.

It's always great to find out what is working and it sounds like you've come up with a great plan to let him lead.

Ruby

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Originally Posted by Tojo

It seems to me that you made a mistake, didn't trust him & don't want that to happen again.

Well it also seems that you're only human.

Maybe you can just forgive yourself & relax?:wave:

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I don't think it's fair to put the responsibility entirely on her like that. If she felt overwhelmed enough to use her safeword (and it's pretty clear that she doesn't take that usage lightly), then didn't her dom make a mistake by pushing her too far? Shouldn't a dom be trying not to exceed his sub's limits? If this was a failure of obedience on phantasy's part, then it was just as much a failure of judgement on her dom's part.

Which is how they seem to be thinking of it, judging from phantasy's last post, so I'm glad. :)