First steps onto the web.

I am new to this forum, in fact to the entire online BDSM community. I have been living behind closed doors and with some trepidation that I would be discovered, but since I know who I am I thought I would be a little less secretive. If someone finds out who doesn't like who I am, they can just go away because I will not miss them.

I am a Dom who is currently feeling out a potential sub. This is, as always, an interesting process. It has been especially difficult for me these past years because of my desire to hide who I am. This new sub is open about who she is, and this adds a degree of difficulty for me.

If anyone has any advice for me I would be interested in hearing it. I am not proud and know that everyone can contribute if we give them a chance. In other words, any subs out thee are welcome to chime in also.

:wel:

This is a great online community where you can just be yourself. whether you're a top, bottom, dom, sub, switch or undecided. Try reading through the Knowledge Base forum for advice and posting some questions there.

Welcome Rhabbi,

I am working on a post right at this very moment that addresses your concerns and ways that can help people be what they are without having to feel they are in hiding.

It may be another week before its ready to be posted as I am waiting to hook up with a friend who is going to model for some pictures which will show examples of what I am talking about in the post.

So hang in there, I think you may find it interesting reading if nothing else.

If you don't mind me asking what is it about your new subs openess (about who she is) that causes difficulty for you. Does she act out in public? Does she tell your friends she is in the lifestyle implying that you are also?

Hi & Welcome

I guess I was not as clear as possible in my posting earlier. It is simply that I am not yet sure how to intergrate the two phases of my life, and my potential sub "is no longer vanilla," as she puts it. She is open with her friends and family, and as a result they are wondering about me. I would want to her to be part of my vanilla life, but, at this point at least, not as open about calling me Master while with my friends. This is just something that I will have to work out somehow, the intergration is something that needs to be done because I do not want to be hidden anymore.

Hello Rhabbi. Time will provide your answers. Still your heart and mind and enjoy the progression and these forums.

Just saying 'welcome': welcome!
Hope you enjoy it here.
See you in chat sometime?

Thanx, I know this, but it is always nice to hear.

Welcome Rabbi, and good luck -- I know what you're feeling, I was beyond wierded out when I first learned my wife had told her sister "everything"...it's a hard step and does change some interactions, and hopefully your friend will understand that the decision of how much privacy to let out should be partly yours, as well.

Rhabbi,
I think this is one of the biggest struggles that most of us confront at sometime in our bdsm lives. As a Dom for 30+ years, I know I have struggled more than once with integrating a vanilla real life and a bdsm lifestyle. I appreciate your opening this question for discussion. I know that I will be thinking about your questions and how I have approached this conundrum on my life and when I have worked through it, I will post some reflections from my personal experience.

ANd welcome! . . . . glad to have you with us.

Hello and Welcome Rhabbi!

This site is a treasure trove of information and people are always willing to answer any questions you have. Best of luck in your life :)

Curi

:welcome:

welcome to the forums, Rhabbi. I hope you and your sub find a balance that works for both of you.

~elyse

Wecome Rhabbi,

Your post certainly makes me think too. As a sub who has only just discovered the lifestyle in the last year or so, I have only told one other person in my real life. It is a big step and has to be carefully thought out. I think too that you know the people you can tell, and those that are best left in the dark.

Good luck and I can see that the forums will provide a lot of support and fun for you.

Aussiegirl

Actually, this has become a mute point since the sub seems to have dropped off the radar screen. One of these days I will figure out why people do that. We were talking with no sign of problems, and tyhe next day she was not there.

it happens dont worry about it to much

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by **D**

it happens dont worry about it to much

---

I know, but it still hurts. Sometimes I think that subs forget that Doms can be hurt too.

Yes, Doms certainly can still hurt! I too think that sometimes we forget that, but I have learnt that any Dom who cares about their sub, can also be hurt by them.

I hope you find that her lack of communication is for a very good reason!

Best of luck.

Aussiegirl

There may very well be a good reason for her absence, but D is right, it's disappointing but sometimes it does happen.

It's ok to take things slow as you find your way. Enjoy the journey.

I am willing to accept that there is a good reson for her beimg gone, but for not answering emails or calls? At least to tell me why there is no more communication? There is no good reason for that degree of rudeness.

But I appreciate the encouragement from all of you, many thanks.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Rhabbi

I know, but it still hurts. Sometimes I think that subs forget that Doms can be hurt too.

---

I think it is part of every self respecting sub's prayer; 'protect me from Doms who are so insular or self involved that they cannot feel hurt'.

As for 'coming out', why do you feel the need to? I have been in a r/l relationship for some years. I am not ashamed of my submissive nature nor of my D/s relationship but I quite simply do not feel the need to discuss it with anyone. Some people recognise my deference to him, and I occasionally have my leg pulled out it and he receives the odd comment, but why flag up something which people are unlikely to be seriously interested in and are unlikely to understand. Life has enough problems without adding to them.

cariad

Rhabbi, I am going to move this thread to 'My BDSM life' since I think you have opened up an interesting discussion which should not be lost in the general business of the introduction/welcome forum.

cariad

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by cariad<U_E>

I think it is part of every self respecting sub's prayer; 'protect me from Doms who are so insular or self involved that they cannot feel hurt'.

I would hope so anyway. I do know that there are some subs that actually like to live like an abused spouse, but the respect that comes with this lifestyle should prevent that sort of thing.

As for 'coming out', why do you feel the need to? I have been in a r/l relationship for some years. I am not ashamed of my submissive nature nor of my D/s relationship but I quite simply do not feel the need to discuss it with anyone. Some people recognise my deference to him, and I occasionally have my leg pulled out it and he receives the odd comment, but why flag up something which people are unlikely to be seriously interested in and are unlikely to understand. Life has enough problems without adding to them.

cariad

---

Did I actually say coming out?

I actually agree with you there, the problem I see is the type of relationship I want. I do not want to have to hide my slave in the closet from my vanilla friends, even though they are religious. My faith is an integral part of my life.

Well assuming that you allow your slave publicly acceptable clothing and remove her chains for the occasion, why should she not function as any partner?

I would never use the word slave about myself, but I am most certainly He whom I choose to obey's sub. I also work out in the community, and support him at various social functions and help to hostess dinner parties. All of that happens within the vanilla world, with only a few appreciative eyebrows raised at the deference I show to him. If anyone has ever guessed there is more to it than that, they have never said so.

My faith is an integral part of my life too, and my lifestyle relationship has yet to conflict with it.

cariad

I do not know which of us is missing the point, probably me. It was just something for me to consider, and I often over think problems.

I have been particularly encouraged that this lifestyle does not have a formula. For example, in the Jewish celebration of Shabbat, there is timing, how, when, where. The family fits the life around the order of pre-determined celebration. bdsm is not like that.

It can include or not any number of choices to enjoy. A slave may be collared, but that collar doesn't have to be flamboyant. I'm sure vanilla friends don't really want to know what you do in the dungeon or bedroom. That's not usually discussed unless one is discussing health issues or babies. The exception being very very close friends or some family members. (that would be an interesting topic at the next family reunion)

Do we necessarily know or see how couples we assume to be vanilla show respect for each other or submission behind closed doors? But it is often plain to see that their is respect (even submission)while out in public without going into details. You can just "sense" it.

The lifestyle doesn't dictate the relationship. The relationship molds the lifestyle to fit itself. Hope I'm making sense.

I'm sorry if I'm over-explaining a position you've already worked through.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Mishka

I'm sorry if I'm over-explaining a position you've already worked through.

---

I seem to be missing something is accepted in the BDSM community. Although I have been a Dom forever, I never wanted to be part of the community until now. I think that is, in part, because I have now accepted myself for who I am.

Wondering if the penny is dropping here now. Rhabbi, are you saying that you wish to part of your local BDSM community?

cariad

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by cariad<U_E>

Wondering if the penny is dropping here now. Rhabbi, are you saying that you wish to part of your local BDSM community?

cariad

---

If you knew the local community here you would understand when I said no, but I would like to move somwhere where there is a local community I could at least be part of occasionally.

Okay...but if you are talking about a BDSM community, then you can be quite open about your slave being just that. If it is a Vanilla community, you just don't flaunt it and be full members of community, who as Mishka said, are like most members of the community and just don't talk about their bedroom/dungeon lives.

cariad

Hello everyone. :wave:
Since this was moved to this forum from the introduction I decided to put in some details about my journey.

I knew from an early age that I enjoyed domination, I obviously did not have the language to express it, but I had the desires and inclination from my childhood. I remember coming across an uncle’s stash when I was around ten. I would guess that these magazines were pretty typical of the scene back then (mid to late 60’s, early 70’s,) torture chambers, Nazi uniforms, etc. Actually, the mags could have been way older than that, I did not look for dates on them, and who knows how long he had those things lying around.

These excited me in a way that I had no idea about how to express. I did not ask anyone about these because I knew I was not supposed to see them, not because they made me feel guilty, but because I had to open a safe to find them. In other words, I did not want to explain how I got them. :cae7gler: (A word of advice to parents though, do not think anyplace is safe, if you do not want your kids to know something, do not bring it home.)

(As a child I was fascinated by locks and picking them, and could horrify you with how easy it is. If you want a demo check out this link on YouTube, complete with the How To. Spend some money on some good locks people. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bgxlY2rv8cE)

Anyway, that was it for a few years, though I did have the normal teen sex drives, my fantasies were usually about domination, usually through rape. This is still a major fetish for me, and nothing can get me started faster than a rape role play. (Actually, that skill with locks comes in handy here, adds a dose of realism to the scenario.)

Now I want to talk about a major bump I had in my journey. My first experiments in full time BDSM came with my wife. It was difficult to talk her into what I wanted, but I did eventually succeed. But then I went way beyond her limits, and pushed my own beyond what I thought they were. This is natural, I know, but still scary, especially for me. And I want to stress that I was inexperienced and had no idea how normal it is to make mistakes like this.

These mistakes eventually resulted in my divorce from my wife, a painful experience that I would not wish upon anyone, and one I have no intention of repeating. I still wanted to experience BDSM, but convinced my self that I could not be trusted as a Dom, so I went sub.

Actually I consider this good training for me because I was able to learn to read women more effectively. I saw the little cues that they give off to let a man know they are interested, or when they are scared. I remained a sub for a while, but soon realized that I preferred the control that comes from being on top. I did enjoy the serving and pleasuring, and actually carry this aspect over into my role as a Master, something that both I and my slave need to adjust to.

Anyway, I am now in search of a slave that I can spend the rest of my life with. I am a romantic, intelligent, compassionate, intellectual, who combines all these things to make the Master I am.

:bdsmsmile