Second Assignment for Switch Positive

This may be a bit of a challenge, if it is too much feel free to let me know. But i think it will play to your strength for internal dialogue



Your characters: A man and a woman
Conflict: They have a fender-bender in a parking lot. One drives a brand new Jag, the other a 10 year old Honda Civic (you decide who drives which).
The twist: They both feel a deep, undeniable attraction to the other.

Take me through their interaction of exchanging information, while at the same time work through both internal dialogues of dealing with the attraction to someone they are in an adversarial situation with and to someone who is of a different socioeconomic level.

Happy writing.

I have to look serious; look at this man, he's a hottie. Little old maybe. Won't hurt to make a joke, he only tapped my car, he looks so worried. Poor thing, rich folks are always so afraid of being sued. I'd be worried too, if I was driving a car like that.

"Hope you have insurance, looks pretty serious." Her face was mocking a stern frown as she gestured at her unblemished bumper.

His expression did not change. His breathing was a little fast, but he had not seen her and tried to stop short, hit her from behind gently as he pulled into the parking lot. God, she is stunning. Fuck, this is not her fault, she has every right to my insurance, but it looks like nothing...her car, it's already scratched up, must be ten years old...fuck, girl is going to try to take me to the cleaners.

"Of course I have insurance, this thing is only a week old."

"You should take it back, get them to show you how to hit the brakes." She was beaming the full force of her smile on him. He looks like a man with too much on his mind, maybe he just needs to be teased and distracted...

He smiled back, the light from her face infecting and annihilating his grumpy mood. Oh, she was kidding, what a cute smile. Today might not endd up as bad as it started. "I'll get my paperwork. Be right back."

"Don't jump in that racecar and drive off"

He could feel the blush rising as he glanced to see if she was still smiling. She was, this made him blush more. She's picking on me.

He blushed. I like.

She waited calmly leaning in her old jeans against the back of her blue Honda, she made no move to get her papers. He sat in the jag and reached into the glove box, he smelled the leather interior of the car and did not take his eyes off of her as she leaned on the backside of her blue car, her arms folded, pretending not to notice.

He came back with a pen and a little case containing his car's pedigree, and his personal info. She watched him as he used her trunk as a desk, dutifully writing neatly in block letters on a piece of note paper. He has nice handwriting. Nice hands. I wonder what he does for a living. I wonder how big his cock is.

He tried to hand her the carefully written page. She waved it away.

"Nothing's hurt, my car is fine. We don't have to worry about all that, do we?"

He felt sad, he wanted to give her his number, he had written it next to the insurance numbers. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure."

He stood lost; he looked at her for a second too long. She watched his eyes with a knowing smile on her face, she could see his thoughts racing. Should I?... She doesn't want anything from me, not my insurance, she want's to wave the whole thing off...how often do I meet a woman who isn't after my money...

"Can I have your number?"

She looked him deep in the eye this time, "Why?"

"You are not average. Most people would take a guy like me and a tap on the bumper and turn it into a check. There is something different about you. Please, give me your number."

She smiled and took the pen from him.

"I would be happy to."

i have seen this, and i will get to it first thing Monday morning.

from a quick scan, i like what you did.

rose

Excellent use of dialogue and characterization. Good subtext and description. i thought you could knock this one out of the park. Precious few nits to pick, too. This is really a good scene and i could see even further development of the relationship. Lots of good potential. Keep this up and i will have to kick you upstairs to level II before i even get a chance to get to know you.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Switch Positive

I have to look serious; look at this man, he's a hottie. Little old maybe. Won't hurt to make a joke, he only tapped my car, he looks so worried. Poor thing, rich folks are always so afraid of being sued. I'd be worried too, if I was driving a car like that.

"Hope you have insurance, looks pretty serious." Her face was mocking a stern frown as she gestured at her unblemished bumper.

His expression did not change. His breathing was a little fast, but he had not seen her and tried to stop short, hit her from behind gently as he pulled into the parking lot. God, she is stunning. Fuck, this is not her fault, she has every right to my insurance, but it looks like nothing...her car, it's already scratched up, must be ten years old...fuck, girl is going to try to take me to the cleaners.

"Of course I have insurance, this thing is only a week old."

"You should take it back, get them to show you how to hit the brakes." She was beaming the full force of her smile on him. He looks like a man with too much on his mind, maybe he just needs to be teased and distracted...

He smiled back, the light from her face infecting and annihilating his grumpy mood. Oh, she was kidding, what a cute smile. Today might not endd (just a typo) up as bad as it started. "I'll get my paperwork. Be right back."

"Don't jump in that racecar and drive off"

He could feel the blush rising as he glanced to see if she was still smiling. She was, this made him blush more. She's picking on me.

He blushed. I like.

She waited calmly leaning in her old jeans against the back of her blue Honda, she made no move to get her papers. He sat in the jag(probably shoudl be capitalized) and reached into the glove box, he smelled the leather interior of the car and did not take his eyes off of her as she leaned on the backside of her blue car, her arms folded, pretending not to notice.

He came back with a pen and a little case containing his car's pedigree, and his personal info. She watched him as he used her trunk as a desk, dutifully writing neatly in block letters on a piece of note paper. He has nice handwriting. Nice hands. I wonder what he does for a living. I wonder how big his cock is.

He tried to hand her the carefully written page. She waved it away.

"Nothing's hurt, my car is fine. We don't have to worry about all that, do we?"

He felt sad, he wanted to give her his number, he had written it next to the insurance numbers. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure."

He stood lost; he looked at her for a second too long. She watched his eyes with a knowing smile on her face, she could see his thoughts racing. Should I?... She doesn't want anything from me, not my insurance, she want's to wave the whole thing off...how often do I meet a woman who isn't after my money...

"Can I have your number?"

She looked him deep in the eye this time, "Why?"

"You are not average. Most people would take a guy like me and a tap on the bumper and turn it into a check. There is something different about you. Please, give me your number."

She smiled and took the pen from him.

"I would be happy to."

---

Thank you for the lovely compliments and I thought I picked all the nits, I saw those two just after I posted...perhaps an exercise that does not draw on my strengths, like inner dialogue; but rather something...else. I am not sure what my weaknesses are, I am sure I have them.

Perhaps you could give me some more and see if it is not beginner's luck that I am knocking them out of the park...if you want to get to know me better, ask me to write some more! Or maybe I will get restless and post a story...I am getting over my shyness.

Do you mind if I ask where you teach, if indeed you teach in real time as well...I got the impression you are a teacher...

Thanks for your time.

Julia

i work with young writers. i consider myself more of a mentor than a teacher, though. i am not sure that writing can really be "taught" in the usual sense of the word. But young talent can be encouraged and nurtured.

Another good story, I like the imagery again.

This was really a top-notch effort. The manner in which this tale was presented brought forth a vision of everything: the action, the emotion and disposition.

Now for my complaints...

She was, this made him blush more.

This should have been made into two sentences and maybe expanded on a bit. Just a touch would have increased the feel of the moment drastically.

She waited calmly leaning in her old jeans against the back of her blue Honda, she made no move to get her papers.

This was awkward and you have too many "she's" involved. Try it like this and it'll flow better: "She waited calmly leaning in her old jeans against the back of her blue Honda, making no move to get her papers."

He sat in the jag and reached into the glove box,

Get rid of "jag" and replaced it with "Jaguar". Narration is generally not the proper place for slang.

He came back with a pen and a little case containing his car's pedigree, and his personal info.

Good use of words, here: "the car's pedigree". I really liked that.

He felt sad, he wanted to give her his number, he had written it next to the insurance numbers. "Are you sure?"

Again, too much use of a pronoun. get rid of the second "he".

He felt sad, he wanted to give her his number, having written it next to the insurance numbers. "Are you sure?"

You might have even wished to expand the sentence, giving a little more to how much he wanted her to have his number. It would have provided a little more to the moment.

He stood lost; he looked at her for a second too long.

This moment calls for a bit of a more poetic manner. Also, I would have eliminated the semi-colon and gone with something more like this: He stood lost, his gaze resting on her a moment too long.

She watched his eyes with a knowing smile on her face, she could see his thoughts racing.

Again, you overused the pronoun "she". I would have eliminated "she could see his thoughts racing" and replaced with with "knowing his thoughts were racing."

She looked him deep in the eye this time, "Why?"

It would have aided this moment greatly had you offered a description of his eyes or what she saw dwelling within.

"You are not average. Most people would take a guy like me and a tap on the bumper and turn it into a check. There is something different about you. Please, give me your number."

This is the only part of the entire story that bothered me. It didn't seem to be in tune with the rest of the story or what he was really feeling. Sure, he was glad she wasn't interested in cleaning him out, but that isn't why he wanted to call her. I wanted something more out of this and was let down a bit.

All nit-picking aside, I really enjoyed this little tale and I can see you've a solid knack for presenting a proper mood.

H Dean,

Thank you so much for all of your constructive complaints! I wish I had read this before submitting my last assignment, which i just did five minutes ago. My pronoun over use was something I was not aware of, but now that you have pointed it out...ooof.

Thank you again and from now on I will watch this bad habit of mine.

Julia

That's why we do this stuff. It's fun and annoying all at once.

You could always go back and give your latest a new edit - delete the old one and go from there. Hell, i should give my older stories a new edit and delete 'em too.

Intersting idea, deleting and editing, editing (or in my case, long stretches of rewriting)...seems part of the point here though is to bare my maistakes to the crowd and bear it, learn from it, get better at it...

Therefore, in this context, I prefer not to delete.

I would really love to know what you think of my non bdsm project that I am currently working on, if you have the time and the inclination to read something not centered on sex?

I could do that. I can't guarantee a time frame, though. So, feel free to send me your non-bdsm stuff. Just know that I will be quite frank in my critisisms. I don't believe in holding back to spare feelings; I feel that doing so would be a diservice to the author.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by H Dean

I could do that. I can't guarantee a time frame, though. So, feel free to send me your non-bdsm stuff. Just know that I will be quite frank in my critisisms. I don't believe in holding back to spare feelings; I feel that doing so would be a diservice to the author.

---

This is precisely why I would like to send it. People I know like my writing, but few of them are writers themselves. I will not be offended if you shred it or don't like it. I am writing my other project for myself more than anyone else.

All respect for your time frame; there is no rush. Any attentions, brutal or otherwise, you bestow on me with regards to my work is greatly appreciated. I am not afraid of criticism; pour salt straight into my open wounds, please. I know it is good for me. I do not take my mistakes personally and only want to improve my work. I savor and learn from forthright critique.

At the same time, it is a bit embarrasing to make so many mistakes, this does kinda feel awkward, to have my flaws exposed. I willingly endure this so that I can progress, make fewer, or different mistakes.

I would be hurt if you spared my feelings.

I redid the barscene as per your and Dragon's muse's advice and feel it came across much better.

Thanks again. I will send you something different eventually.

Julia