Originally Posted by
Switch Positive
It was currently her favorite song on the jukebox; never liked country music before she had to work with that album on the box...the clipty clop of the rythm pulsed gently from the green neon machine, the way Luke walked the guitar carried it as she sang along softly and washed glasses.
Give something like this a try: The neon green jukebox pulsed out the clippity-clop rhythm of her new favorite song; she had never liked country music before. She sang along softly, washing glasses, as Luke walked the guitar.
Lost in a moment of music, her hands missing in the soapy water, backlit by the brighter lights shining on the big mirror and the shelf of bottles behind her, notes from the guitar sliding along with the words, her eyes half on the little dining room.
Try starting this sentence or sentences with her absently watching the dining room. Once you get the main subject and verb in you can modify anyway you wish since your main thought has been covered. [/B]
The waiter could take care of the few tables they had at three in the morning. She had recently attended to the scattering of customers at the bar; (should be a colon here. Semicolon separates two independent clauses)the snuggly couple at the end, close together on their seats with fresh golden pints; the boys just off work in their waiter's black and whites competeing for the two tourist girl's attention with amber shots of Jameson and black frothy pints of Guinness...(end the sentence here)she half heard the happy chatter of her customers. (change to a semicolon) Everyone was content. (change this period to a dash)Everyone but her. As she worked, her mind was elsewhere.
He stood at the smoky entrance in the open door and watched her washing glasses (delete, we already know she is washing glasses) for a moment before walking in.
In her free minutes, the minutes she washed glasses and lost complete focus on entertaining her little crowd, she allowed herself to think of Andrew. They had thoroughly enjoyed their last date. As always, they parted without further plans. As always she wondered when she would see him again. (the phrase "as always" twice in as many sentences. Words and phrases need their own territory just like animals do. If you use the same words too close together, the work will take on a sing-song sort of flow. This will make people focus on the rhythm rather than the ideas. Days had passed. She lost her self in the memory of his eyes; (should be a comma here, since what follows is a dependent clause rather than in independent clause)her hands moving mechanically through the hot sudsy water. She wondered when he would kiss her. They had parted reluctantly, only hugging, after each date. She relished it as she sand (just an eensy typo -- "sang" a favorite verse of that sad song...Begin a new sentence here)he sat at the bar unnoticed and could hear her soft singing...
Sitting quietly, he was glad that he had prepared his room for her. There was little doubt that she would say yes... (period here,
Singing until she saw him, (delete -- this takes away from the emotional impact of the sentence) she looked up from the last glass at the beginning of the second chorus and caught him watching her in the hazy light. He was right there, sitting, watching her as she sang.(change to "He was sitting there, watching her sing." Increases emotional impact. The shorter sentence indicates her abrupt departure from her dreamy state) She caught her self (one word, not two), almost gasping in delight as she looked up from the sink; her voice siezed midword. She sightlessly dipped the pint glass for a final rinse and was washed over with warmthend this sentence here and delete for him. Start your next sentence with "Her eyes. . . " for him as her eyes settled the face she most wanted to see, she drew her hand from the water.
He looked at (change to "into") her hazel green eyes wordlessly.
Blushing, as if he had heard her thoughts, she swallowed her smile, (delete the comma and replace it with "in" a vain attempt to look unsurprised. She could not lose his eyes.
That got her a playful frown; still, his eyes were smiling.(move "still" to between "were" and "smiling"
"You forgot my drink already?"
She smiled, said nothing, spun away; a ballerina in tight jeans and a black tank, lit in diaphanous cloud of light behind the bar, other people's cigarettes choking the clarity, she snagged a tall glass from the top shelf with one hand, the bottle of Goose with the other, turned back to the bar, put them down simultaneously, dipped down and grabbed the grapefruit juice from the cooler closing the door with her foot as she put the juice down next to the vodka, she looked him in the eye and he smiled as she blindly reached and filled the glass with ice, four count of vodka, then pink juice and threw it into the shaker and poured it back into the glass in a fluid rush without spilling a drop. (this needs to be at least 2 or 3 sentences instead of one.
No straw. The way he liked it. (delete -- adds nothing to the story or scene)
He thanked her. Dim smoke stained (hyphenate these two words)light from the little bulb on the track (delete this and the flow will be better)over the bar shined down on him like a halo. The rough blue-grey cinderblock wall behind him managed to catch some of the blue of his eyes; for the moment it looked more blue than grey. Cold blue eyes sent a tiny shiver up her spine. (Too many "blues" and "eyes" in this passage. consult a thesarus) Taking a small taste of her drink, he held her with those cool blues. (it is difficult to tell who is drinking here, rephrase somehow.) She waited.
Before she could think of anything clever to say, "I have no plans. (should be a comma here)" fell out of her mouth.
Hours had been spent thinking about this (Passive voice, move it to active with "He had spent hours thinking about this", and his heart was rushing secretly as he answered with silence. In order (delete, unnecessary) to maintian his cool composure, without a word (delete), before she could reconsider, he took his drink and hoisted the grey backpack and walked beautifully away from her. She watched his old faded jeans as he crossed the red paint on the concrete floor (change to red-painted concrete floor)to the table in the far corner of the dining room, turning quickly away as he chose his seat.
It was all she could do not to grab the hot spark, hold herself by the crotch knees buckling, and sink down to the floor behind the chrome keg cooler onto the black rubber matt behind the bar in the fetal position while his back was turned.
He took out his computer and placed it on the dingy brown table, seated himself on the chrome and red vinyl padded chair so that he could look up and watch her working, he was trying to forget there (delete, this confuses the sentence). Not staring too much, he had his own work to do (delete) and proceeded to get lost in his typing.
Ana attempted to dismiss him from her mind. She moved lightly between her customers carrying glasses, full and empty, back and forth, through the smell of Marlboro's mixed with beer, pizza, and summer drink-sweat. Glancing occasionally at his drink, she watched the slow progression of it's disappearence. She tried not to glance up above the bar at the icy glass over the face of the old clock in the iron frame as (replace with a semicolon)the hands did not seem to move... use a period here)
Ana's relief showed up fifteen minutes early, good old Christopher of the graveyard crew, he was never late for his torturous four am shift. She was happy to see him. She wanted the night to end so it could begin; yet she was nervous about the man with the blue eyes watching her from the corner table.
He made her feel fifteen.
She glanced at him past the other customers... (semicolon here)his look told her time was almost up.
She chased down all of the running tabs; avoiding talking to him about something as mundane as his drink price, she paid for Andrew (move this to immediately after the semicolon). She took the money from her shift and dumped it in a green zippered pouch. She crammed her tips into her black leather purse uncounted (move to right before "tips". Christopher came behind the bar and looked around.
"What'll it be, pretty lady?" Chris was a charmer. She smiled and asked for a Stoli Madras, (semicolon here)he made her a tall one. She could feel Andrew's hot eyes at her back, (semicolon here)she wanted him to come sit with her,(period here.) she could almost see in the mirror behind the bar... (semicolon here)she did not look, practicing patience. Patience, in turn, was straining at the leash, a dog in heat. She was trying so hard not to turn around or squirm in her seat she did not see him until he was next to her.
"No one can sneak up on me like you. change to comma" she smiled as he pulled up the next barstool.
"That is what you said." Her face was pink as a schoolgirl caught with no panties. He loved the combination of her cocky attitude and the guilty-innocent flush of her skin.
His eyebrow raised slightly. "That is what I'll do."
She felt a little more confident and her inner flirt toook charge.
"What else will you do.?"
"I will whisper that in your ear. Later." She could feel the heat coming off of him as he leaned in close and spoke inches from her ear, end sentence here.silently moaning in delight, as (delete) the hot tingle ran up her spine; she could feel the passion inside burning to a fever. Patience agonized over the fact that she drank faster than Andrew as he ordered another from Chris. Patience took her side again. She was the one who wanted to stay for one in the first place.
There were candles in glass jars all over the room. The dim flickering danced shadows of roses and baby's breath on the walls. There were flowers all over the room and the radiant smell of soft petals hit her nose (delete) and erased all memory of the smoky bar, her daily existance (existence). Everything in the room was white, white candles, walls, carpet, his bed was made with white sheets and pillows. All the color was in the blooms, dozens of white vases of red roses.
He ran his hand up the back of her neck gently and his fingers twisted in her hair as he got a grip at the base of her scalp. She inhaled sharply as he pulled her head back and kissed her neck roughly on the jugular.
"Now, I am taking you to my bed."
She smiled at him as he held her gaze with his eyes, still holding her hair in his hand. There was no arguement. He took her by the hand. She followed him through the door
