I'm suspicious of everything. I've heard horror stories about relationships (BDSM or otherwise) and the last thing I want to do is add my own. I've always been cautious ever since I was young because I'm afraid to give up power to someone else. But, at the same time, I feel as though giving up some power might do me some good. And it might relieve my anxieties about not being in control. Trust me when I say that not being in control scares the hell out of me (am I allowed to say hell?). But staying in control is keeping me isolated from any type of romance. Men are intimidated by me in real life because I'm an 'every woman' (i.e great at everything). Perhaps I'm a little bit of a narcissist (no, I'm not afraid to say it). I can't say that I am perfect but I do take care of my body, I do do well in school (dean's list), I excel socially, I am a good leader, and I basically have all the qualities needed in order to be successful. But what I don't have is a man to share it with.

Don't get me wrong. I could charm a man into wanting me. But that's not what I want. Throughout life I've always been in control of everything and, as many Dom/me's know, being in control takes work. I want to be able to relax. I want someone else to take responsibility over what I do and how I behave rather than the other way around. I want someone else to give me orders and tell me what to do and how to behave and what I'm doing wrong. But I don't trust anyone else BUT myself to take on such a task. throughout the 4 years I've been online learning about this lifestyle, I haven't met one man who was willing to do this for me without expecting something in return. Usually that something is sex. A lot of subs don't mind this arrangement because the subs want sex, too. And there is nothing wrong with that. But this isn't about sex with me. This is about being comfortable letting somebody else take the reins. Only then can I stop trying so hard and knock down a few defensive walls I've entrapped myself in. And maybe, just maybe, I might just let someone special in my life. But there is so much negative reinforcement out there.

About 2 minutes after signing up here, I got a message from someone asking me to be their online sub. That I must have a good body and that I must have good feet. What kind of mess is that? And I get this all the time, everywhere I go (I'm sure you do, too). And it just makes me want to build my walls higher and stronger. Because it's men like that who are going to hurt me. Everything in that message was physical. Not "I want a sub with a sweet personality and a sense of humor." But "I want a sub with a good body and cute feet." My body is nice in real life because I exercise everyday. But what if something happened and I gained weight? A man like that would leave me in a heart beat. And then I'd grow even more bitter and unforgiving. (sigh) I just wish there was a way for me not to be so nervous/scared while around around men.

But in short, I simply want to give up control and become submissive for a change. You know, have someone else take responsibility for a change. Any advice about this would help.