Problems with Love

[Kelli]

This isn't really bdsm related, but I guess it could be. Since May of last year, when I was sick for 2 weeks, my sexual appetite has EXTREMELY dropped. I am hardly ever horny anymore, and not as hungry for sex or bdsm as I used to be. Before I got sick, I wanted sex, sexual activities, bdsm several times a day. It's really affecting my fiance and my's life. Sex was a huge part before, and now, I feelt like I'm letting him down. We don't really mess around (mostly cuz I can't get into it), and I know it's frustrating him (me too). Anyone have any ideas or suggestions? I would really appreciate it.

[ProjectEuropa]

This isn't really bdsm related, but I guess it could be. Since May of last year, when I was sick for 2 weeks, my sexual appetite has EXTREMELY dropped. I am hardly ever horny anymore, and not as hungry for sex or bdsm as I used to be. Before I got sick, I wanted sex, sexual activities, bdsm several times a day. It's really affecting my fiance and my's life. Sex was a huge part before, and now, I feelt like I'm letting him down. We don't really mess around (mostly cuz I can't get into it), and I know it's frustrating him (me too). Anyone have any ideas or suggestions? I would really appreciate it.

Forget about sex for awhile. If you don't want sex, the more you think that not wanting sex is a problem the more it will become a problem. It seems you are saying its a problem because you feel guilty about satisfying your fiance, not that you are missing it. It seems you need to take a mental holiday from yourself and do something else you are passionate about. Its pointless having sex with your fiance if you are just fulfilling his needs and not your own. My guess that way you will start to resent him. He's going to have to understand how you feel and take the pressure off you to perform.

[Kelli]

Oh he doesn't pressure me. He just tries to get me in the mood, and he isn't exactly successful. That's why I feel bad, b/c I know how bad he wants it, and before I wanted it more than him, and now it is such a change. He told me it's alright, and for me not to feel bad, but I really do. Thanks for your advice, although I don't know if I can exactly get it outta my mind....

[Curtis]

If you were a guy, I'd suggest a complete physical, because a SUDDEN change in libido that can't be traced to stress usually has a physical cause, but I don't think that's as applicable to women. Of course, you don't say what your illness was. If some virus is lingering in your system, that may still be a factor (or something like Guillain-Barre or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome).

On the other hand, women are at least as susceptible to stress as men. It may be time to check in with your local mental health service and see if that's a factor here. The good thing about community mental health is that their prices are adjusted based upon your ability to pay.

[Nightstriker]

My suggestion is kind of bland and simple but just cuddle. Nothing sexual just cuddle and enjoy the closeness.

Go rent a movie and watch it together. Curl up and read a book together or something but keep away from sex.

I can speak for myself I can say that there are bouts when I am so horny that I can't stand it. And then after that passes there are times when I just want to be close and feel loved.

[GaryWilcox]

Sublimate. Don't attempt sex if you're still uneasy or uninterested. Plan time and spend it touching as little as possible.

Talk. If there are things you're keepoing from each other, root those things out and trust each other.

[Kelli]

If you were a guy, I'd suggest a complete physical, because a SUDDEN change in libido that can't be traced to stress usually has a physical cause, but I don't think that's as applicable to women. Of course, you don't say what your illness was. If some virus is lingering in your system, that may still be a factor (or something like Guillain-Barre or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome).

On the other hand, women are at least as susceptible to stress as men. It may be time to check in with your local mental health service and see if that's a factor here. The good thing about community mental health is that their prices are adjusted based upon your ability to pay.

Mental health? Ummm I don't think I've lost my mind...

My suggestion is kind of bland and simple but just cuddle. Nothing sexual just cuddle and enjoy the closeness.

Go rent a movie and watch it together. Curl up and read a book together or something but keep away from sex.

I can speak for myself I can say that there are bouts when I am so horny that I can't stand it. And then after that passes there are times when I just want to be close and feel loved.

I agree with this, and am going to try it tonite. We both love movies, so any in mind that may help? Unfaithful is a favorite of ours, that usually arouses me.

Talk. If there are things you're keepoing from each other, root those things out and trust each other.

We did a little last night, and I'm sure that will continue. I haven't kept anything from him, and I really don't think he has kept things from me, but I'll ask him.

Thanks for the input, I'll give these things a try. As for me being sick, I just had a bad cold/cough for 2 weeks, fever some days, the usual.

[sweetplymate]

As for me being sick, I just had a bad cold/cough for 2 weeks, fever some days, the usual.

ooooo you might just still be sick. i have had a cough/fever :yuck: off and on for over a month now...some people in our office have had "the crud" for even longer. one guy had it turn into pneumonia. no one seems to know what it is other than a really nasty lingering cold , but it has me very run down and also not interested in sex in the least. i hope that this ends up being all it is for you as well and that you (and I) are back up to speed soon!

[Ruby]

sweetplymate and Curtis both bring up a valid point.
It could be time for a physical or a visit to an OBGYN.

Here's a quick list of things to think about:

1. Your sleep schedule - has it changed?
2. Menstrual cycle? Is it on schedule? Are you using birth control pills?
Have you changed prescription recently? Changed other methods? IDU, etc.
3. Iron in your blood? As in are you enimic?
4. Did you change your vitamins, herbs, etc - add any, take any away?
5. Your stress level - Are you under pressure from work, family, etc.
Are you putting too much pressure on yourself?
6. Is your body temperature running hotter or colder than usual?
7. Going to sound weird - but are you getting enough sunlight
or exercise?
8. Have you gained or lost more than ten pounds in the last few months?
9. Do you give yourself enough transition time between work and "sex play"?
You know, like alone time in the bubble bath with your favorite naughty book/zine, etc?

Meanwhile, enjoy the movie and eliminate the guilt.
:cuddle:
Happy cuddling that leads to other fun things.

[yellowrose]

A change in libido for women is difficult to discover a cause. One reason is that doctors don't tend to take a woman's decrease in sexual drive as serious as a mans.

With the little information you have given there isn't any way to figure out what the problem could be related to. Alot depends on age, health conditions that you may have, any medications you may be taking, etc.

I read a recent study, one that did study women's libido, linking decreases in hormones (especially testosterone, yes we have it to *smiles*) to a decrease in sexual drive.

What you have given is a symptom of many things. My suggestion is to make an appointment with a doctor. If this doctor dismisses or doesn't seem concerned about your problem, find another.

[NiceMaster]

Just ignore it for a while. The more you think of it the worse it gets.
Let it come naturally !

That is what I think. It worked for one of my subs.

[BDSM_Tourguide]

A person cannot solve a problem by ignoring it. Nothing gets fixed by repressing feelings, or by internalizing emotion, or by worrying but not communicating that worry.

I have to say that, barring a medical reason, the best course of action is NOT to ignore what's happening to you. Find out WHY this is happening to you and find out what you need to do to fix it. Even if it means talking to a professional, I'd say go for it.

But first, I would see a doctor. If your sex drive stopped suddenly after an illness, then your body chemistry may be out of whack and some simple medications might help. On the other hand, maybe it's not physical at all and you have an issue that needs to be worked through in your subconscious. Well, your subconscious isn't going to deal with whatever the issue is if you just tell your brain to not think about what the problem could be and how to do anything about it.

See a doctor. And then, if no medical reason is present, talk to someone. Start with your partner, your friends here, email someone you know and trust privately (me if you want to), or see a professional. But don't ignore it and expect it to go away. It won't.