Pain and its place in BDSM

[Bald_J_and_F]

We (my wife Jean and I, Friede; same-sex marriage is legal here) are, as some may know from other posts of us, a submissive lesbian couple. This may sound strange, but we had been a couple for 5 years already when we discovered the lifestyle and found out we are both submissive. So the only way out was to serve together, since switching did not seem to work well with us (no-one wanted to be on top).
From other posts we read we get the feeling we have a rather strange approach towards pain. For us pain is ok in one of the three following scenarios (or a combination of them):
1. Pain as punishment for misbehavior.
2. Pain in combination with sexual stimulation, like being hit while being in a 69.
3. Pain as inevitable by-product of humiliation (Example given: Having bells attached to nipples and clit is certainly painful, but the main point of it is the humiliation, especially when one has to appear in public like that, with bells perhaps unseen but well heard).
But to afflict pain just for the heck of it (example given: the dominant person just feels in the mood to apply 50 whip lashes to his or her sub and does so) not only gives us nothing, we even think dominants who behave like this are dangerous and not reliable. Yes, we know there are submissives who really crave pain, and perhaps for them this kind of dominant is exactly right, but we would rather stay away from them; they seem to lack self-control to us.
Don't get us wrong: We can take a lot of pain, and late Mistress certainly knew how to afflict it, but there was always a reason for it. It was never applied just for the heck of it; the application always followed one of the three scenarios we listed.
Somehow we get the feeling we are quite unique in this approach and that most people don't care if there is a reason for the pain being dealt out, as long as it IS being dealt out. Are we really such weirdos, or are there others who feel like we do?
Yours
Jean and Friede

[oneslave4me]

We're mostly into pain as an enhancer to pleasure. Pain for the heck of it never did it for either one of us. We actually don't like spanking at all, but other forms of discomfort are quite welcome.

Different strokes for different folks(in more ways than one, hee hee).

[Ruby]

Jean and Friede,

You are not alone.

For me, a little pain during play can add spice to the moment, like adding a little pepper to a meal.

Lots of pain and I don't like it, don't want it, and there better be a very, very, good reason for it.

BDSM is many things to many people, not all of us practice hard S/M.

For those that do, many times pain is a reward, not a punishment. If your pet/slave/sub is an M, punishment would be to remove the pain.

"Hit me, beat me, whip me," said M.
"No," said S. :-[

Ruby

[sayuri]

For me it depends on the moment.

I do get kicks of being used as a pain toy. In that kind of scenario I need to feel the Dom's arousal for my pain and humiliation, otherwise it won't work.

Punishments are not exactly arousing for me but keep me in the right state of mind. Usually I want pain to be added to sexual stimulation to get the "best result". It's pretty sensitive mental area, too much too soon will kill the mood .

Sometimes I don't even know when stimulation turns from pleasure to pain, and for me this kind of pain is absolutely the best. A Dom I know described it pretty well while whipping me: "this is just a way to caress you, pet."

[Movito]

What I've learned during my short (some months) BDSM life is that while we all meet under the big roof of BDSM, tastes are quite differen. Some get a kick from pain itself (I do), some only take it as a byproduct, and some hate it and want only to be humilated or even only dominated.

[master_kyrk1]

lets look at it in another way. When people say look at the person they are a pain slut do they mena if they stub there toe they have an orgasm? That is a pain slut give them pain of any kind and they respond to it.

my wife can handle a good deal of pain in the course of a scene, but there has to be a warm up first. Caressing light smacks strokes form the flogger. all with the intnet to get the nerve endings warmed up and the endorphins flowing. At that point it can be built upon till she may reach a point where she can achieve or border an orgasm.

She is not getting it for the sake of pure pain. it is a way for me to add to her pleasure in anoher formto push her into new areas of sexuality. Is this effective for everyone of course not. is there a reason for the pain yes mutual pleasure. If i told ehr bitch bend over and get 50 strokes she probably would but would be in tears for it especially if no reason. However if i say time to play and warm her up she can take easily 50 hard stroeks and that will push her into a new place.

The lines between pain and pleasure or close. have you ever had an orgasm so powerful that it has casued physical pain or discomofrt. or has a sensation that you ennjoyed so much you had to ahve it stop becasue it hurt. Just becasue you can handle certain things as pleasure at one momnet in time does not eman it will be the same at a different moment.

My wife and i had an opportunity toi play the other night with out kids being around for the first time in over 2 years. The first session went poorly things she normally liked were not sending her into her normal subspace she could not relax and get focused. Even though everything was relatively mild she couould not mentally get hwerself to where she need to be to progress. Later that night we did another scene. Where she was waxed beaten and knife played with has a couple small nicks annd a few brusies to show for it. This scene was far more intense in every sense. yet she orgasmed in it or came very very close she says she did not eveyone else says she did. Then becasue she enjoyed it so much and had a achieved a happy spot she fell asleep.....,..

the lines between pleasure and pain are easily blurred but part of benig able to enjoy that edge and walking it. is finidng a dominant that is willing to exp[lore you and your need and is willing to hhelp you navigate it. takes trust on all sides. trust on the part of the dominant to konw when is enough and to bacvk off. Trust with the submissive to be willing to say somehting is not write here physically or mentally we need to make an adjustment. Soon as i knew my wife had been on a bad trip the scene stopped. Several people came to our aid. with warm blankeyt cuddling and juice to amke her feel safe and secure and to konw that everything was ok.

reading back am not sure how much this answers the orignal question. however i think it gives a different slant on it. in short what you enjoys is what is right for you and if people wish to be narrow minded and jusge you based on that. That is their won damn fault. Who konws bby doing so they may miss out on what could be a very kinky relationship.

[Kaori-san]

I agree with you greatly Jean and Friede.

Pain should be used as punishment for me, not as something that is just given out randomly. I can take a lot of pain, but it is not something I would do for a Dom if they just suddenly took out a paddle and began a beating for no reason.

Fine, if I have been badly behaved then by all means punish me, however if I have done nothing wrong I would end up not a very happy sub if a Dom 'punished' me.

Like Ruby said though, pain can be pleasurable too, adding a bit of spice, let say being slapped during sex etc. A bit of light pain is fun and fine for me then.

Also, I think lets say having nipple clamps on then being sexually stimulated is ok too, but not just outright pain because a Dom feels like giving out pain for no real reason. A good spanking gets me wet, but it would lose /all/ fun if it was given often and become dull. However as a punishment it means you can not only enjoy it a little, but you are also getting pain.

[Ruby]

Looking at the last few posts, its easy to see that the old saying is true, "different strokes for different folks".

Heck, I love a good spanking, there's no reason for me to be punished to enjoy it. However, I don't like or enjoy a hard spanking. That's just me.

"What you enjoy is right for you," said master_kyrk1.

Agreed. So while I may enjoy a nice spanking and want to use it as part of play, Kaori-san may only want a spanking during a punishment.

"But to afflict pain just for the heck of it..." said Bald_J_and_F.

I think that "afflicting pain just for the heck of it" isn't about mutual pleasure. It's more about being selfish.

---
Side note -- Advice not requested

"This scene was far more intense in every sense. yet she orgasmed in it or came very very close she says she did not eveyone else says she did. Then becasue she enjoyed it so much and had a achieved a happy spot she fell asleep..."

Side with your woman. If she says she didn't, then she didn't. She's the only one who really knows for sure.

[Bald_J_and_F]

I think that "afflicting pain just for the heck of it" isn't about mutual pleasure. It's more about being selfish.

That's what we wanted to express.

[Ruby]

That's what we wanted to express.

Thanks. I liked your warning about those types of dom/mes. Dangerous? Very. Unreliable? Perhaps a much more polite word than I would use.

[quagmirething]

I too would worry about some one who hurts another just for the "heck" of it. On the other hand I've never consented to be "punished" either, although there have been cases where they just assumed I had.

A lot of this seems to come down the distinction between S&M and D&S. My thing is being hurt for the sexual pleasure of another, submission follows on from that. So it works best for me when there aren't any outside issues, such as "punishment" as some sort of motivation. Mutual pleasure doesn't work that well either. As a switch I feel I have an understanding of a sadists desire to "be a tyrant in the bedroom" (as deSade put it), so sensual pain might be a fun why to spend time with a person but it's not addressing my core sexuality.