Maybe because I'm not a 24-7 lifestyler or into super-extreme pain play, I have to wonder about the implications surrounding play that is so extreme as to force the sub to use his or her safeword (particularly when the sub doesn't know that is the point). My first impression of this sort of deception (is that even the right word?) is that it is taking advantage of the sub's trust and dedication. It seems to me that subs want to try very hard for their masters, and will hold off on using the safeword as long as possible, even to the point of injury. If the trust that is necessary in a D/S relationsip is there, then the dom would be able to trust that his or her sub would use the safeword when necessary, and the sub would be able to trust that his or her dom would keep safety at the forefront, and always stop play when the sub needed a rest, and disappointment or failure would not play any part of that choice.

Is that the point? Does the master want to see how much pain, damage, or humiliation he or she can get away with? Whether or not the sub's hard limits are really that hard? I guess I don't understand why one would want to push the play to that level (note- I understand that everyone's upper limits are different. I'm referring to the idea of pushing play beyond what the established upper limit is, on purpose). My understanding was always that the purpose of a safeword is to stop play when the sub is uncomfortable or hurting, not as another mind-fuck toy to be used for the entertainment of the dom. To me, this seems to be a rather inconsiderate or untrustworthy thing for a dom to require/inflict upon his or her sub.

To that end, I also question the ethical implications of a sub being led to believe he or she is a let-down or failure for using the safeword. In my opinion, there is some undesirable undercurrent present in a relationship when the sub gets the notion that the dom would be let down if the sub had to stop the scene, even if the dom never came out and said that. As a switch, I have never felt guilty using a safeword, and neither has my fiance- we consider pain and safety a fact of the matter, not a personal achievement goal to overcome or be labelled a failure. I am curious as to the various opinions folks have of this situation; anyone care to share a different perspective with me?

-Phantome