Thanks Jim and Phantasy Seeker, ya'll are sweet boys.

We had a few breakthroughs. One is that I should NOT treat brian as I'd want to be treated. To quote Tom of Sweden in the could you do what your sub does "No, that would hurt", I wouldn't WANT the things I do to brian. And the golden rule is out the window.

When I switch it's not deep at all, brian is always very loving and it's all things I enjoy, not anything that requires a leap of faith.

So I can't lure him in with the ways he can lure me. I can't think "o, well, he has to work, I won't distract him" because when I'm working, I don't want to be bothered. He craves the knowledge that he's still mine.

Which I sort of knew, but when it's something new or exciting or on my edge, I revert to what I would want. When i'm nervous and wanting something very much, the more afraid I am of being rejected and the less sure I become.

We'll get there. I appreciate everyone's words. The best is knowing the rough patches are normal, like lily said. As long as we can keep from killing each other...

E