Very nice so far, good plot and a hot scene!

Edited: Jane's TA.doc

Consistent problems I saw:

Lewis'...no double S
Asian/English/British...caps

You use the description "half-Asian" constantly...vary your adjectives a bit to prevent seeming repetitive and to more completely describe her.

You also use the same sentence pattern over and over..."fragment, sentence." First off, remember to add a comma after that...this is one of the rare works I've had to add lots in rather than take them out! Secondly, vary your structure a bit or again, it can become a bit repetitive. Also, break down your sentences -- there are a ton that seem to keep going and going!

All in all, though, really good stuff -- I hope you'll continue it further!