Just a rant

[jaeangel]

See what I mean? Case in point. Spike agrees with me on the man thing too!

Don't you, Spike?
*grins and slaps him on the back*

[spike]

See what I mean? Case in point. Spike agrees with me on the man thing too!

But I can't articulate it.

Spike

[jaeangel]

Come on, Spikey wikey, if you weally weally twy...
Sorry, couldn't resist. My bad. You can spank me for being bad!

[spike]

You can spank me for being bad!

Let's not give flicka the wrong idea. This is her thread and it is a serious matter. I think we've said our pieces on the thread so let's take this frivolity elsewhere.

Spike

[chromedome11]

jaeangel,

My congratulations on your answer. Straight from the heart, relevant (and painful) personal experiences, no judging, just valuable advice.

You've done your good deed for the day. May your reward be the best spanking you've ever had.

[duktig flicka]

You guys are so nice to me. And so wise, too. Thank you. I'm still trying to think what to do. I'm just scared of doing the wrong thing and messing everything up. Plus I hate talking about relationshipy feely thingies. Um, am I bad to respond to this? After you guys were all so kind, I don't want to make you feel like you have to keep up this conversation and be my therapist, so I'm going to respond to the points rather than the individual people who made them.

I don't want this to be about my needs. If I approached it that way, it would defeat the purpose. The very reason I'm upset is because I can't seem to fulfill his needs. It's really hard to let him know that without making the discussion about my own silly feelings of inadequacy. Part of the reason I'm upset is because I've been hinting to him that I want more play, so I'm scared my complaining has put him off. Maybe he doesn't want to do it anymore because I'm not doing it right. I shouldn't complain. My only worry should be about what he wants.

I don't want him to read my mind, and I don't want him to know how I feel because then he'll start trying to please me, which is the reverse of what I want.

I am playing a more dominant role in other areas, and I'm very happy with that, but I need something to balance that or I go nuts, feel guilty and generally get the idea that I'm not wanted.

On the whole, though, you guys are right. I should talk to him about it. I'm just not sure exactly how, and I'm not sure if I can.

Curtis, you had a really good idea. I might try it if I can get over the anxiety that he'll respond negatively. By the way, it's biopsych. That means I can tell you what chemicals are floating around in your brain, but I'm nowhere near as well-versed in the soft science perspective as I should be. And stupid stuff interrupted my life, so I'm not in grad school yet.

And I am horrible, horrible, HORRIBLE with derailing the thread, but I have to say this thing about women being better at interpreting emotions because of connections is a myth, sadly sensationlized by a media that loves to publish pseudoscience if it will up their readership. It is true that women have higher cell density in connective areas of the frontal lobe as a statistical average, but we have not been able to find any affect it would have on behavior - and not for lack of trying. If we do find it gives women some kind of advantage, it will most likely be in judgement, planning or memory. The only way I could see it having to do with emotion is that it could lead to anxiety. On top of all that, brains are adaptive. The brain will create new connections if stimulated appropriately.

Last, but definitely not least, jaeangel, I just want to say I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I think you're very brave.

[jaeangel]

"You guys are so nice to me. And so wise, too. Thank you."
You're welcome.
"I'm still trying to think what to do. I'm just scared of doing the wrong thing and messing everything up. Plus I hate talking about relationshipy feely thingies. Um, am I bad to respond to this?"
No.
"After you guys were all so kind, I don't want to make you feel like you have to keep up this conversation and be my therapist,We're not trying to be therapeutic (or at least I'm not). I'm sorry if i sounded like I was lecturing earlier, or being too flippant. I'm doing this because I want to try and help a submissive Sister who isn't feeling so good right now. so I'm going to respond to the points rather than the individual people who made them.
"I don't want this to be about my needs. If I approached it that way, it would defeat the purpose. The very reason I'm upset is because I can't seem to fulfill his needs. It's really hard to let him know that without making the discussion about my own silly feelings of inadequacy. Part of the reason I'm upset is because I've been hinting to him that I want more play, so I'm scared my complaining has put him off. Maybe he doesn't want to do it anymore because I'm not doing it right. I shouldn't complain. My only worry should be about what he wants."
A D/s relationship is still a relationship. And a relationship is made of two people, each of whom has an equal emotional share and responsibility to make it 'work'. Engaging him in a discussion about "What do I need to do to make YOU happy, dear?" isn't about your needs. It's about his, and what he wants from you. And feelings of inadequacy aren't 'silly'. If they go on long enough they have a detrimental effect on your psyche, your sense of self worth and self-esteem. And that can in turn lead to physical problems, depression, and if it gets that bad, suicide. My mother made me feel worthless throughout my childhood. When i recieved an art scholarship to the local creative arts school, my self esteem was so low that I threw out the paperwork because I thought they made a mistake and I couldn't possibly be that good! And you have no idea just how much I regret doing that now. I even flirted a little with cutting. Not serious, but I did. And I'm not proud to admit it now. But being a submissive doesn't necessarily mean you should only worry about what he wants. It should be about what you both want and/or need.

"I don't want him to read my mind, and I don't want him to know how I feel because then he'll start trying to please me, which is the reverse of what I want."
But he should be trying to please you. Every time he spanks you or whatnot, he's pleasing you, and that makes you happy. (ok, that sounds nuts, but that's how D/s works.) And in return, you should be worrying about what you can do to make him happy, and if he doesn't seem happy with you, you need to ask him what you can do better to serve his needs. It's the whole trust/care/responsibilty thing. You both need to trust, care, and show responsibility for each other. And right now, if he can see you're anxious or worried about something and he's not tryng to figure out what the cause of that anxiety is, then he's not being a properly responsible Dom, and you need to bring that to his attention.

"I am playing a more dominant role in other areas, and I'm very happy with that, but I need something to balance that or I go nuts, feel guilty and generally get the idea that I'm not wanted."
I'm a submissive married to a vanilla man who has lived with his mother all his life. we lived with his parents until our first son came. The thing is, he expects me to do everything his mother did for him. I pay bills, decide what groceries to buy, which meals to prepare, hell, i even decide what he orders in a restaurant and what he buys in the store! He came up to me the other day when we were at the hobby shop (he has a model car hobby) and says "Pookie, which one should I get, the 69 or the 70 Chevelle?" I was like, "You decide." he says, "I can't decide! You pick!" That drives me absolutely completely batty. I'm a submissive by nature; I don't want to make the decisions on what bill we pay when, and how! I want him to do all that! But I do it because that's what he requires of me. i don't like it, but I do it. And i feel guilty about it too. I feel like I'm betraying my own submissive nature. But I've learned to live with it, even though it bugs me.

On the whole, though, you guys are right. I should talk to him about it. I'm just not sure exactly how, and I'm not sure if I can.
"Honey, what can I do better to make you happy?" and go on from there. And don't feel bad if he starts out giving you an absolutely blank look. Just keep going. I'm fairly sure he hasn't got the foggiest idea what he's doing wrong right now.
Curtis, you had a really good idea. I might try it if I can get over the anxiety that he'll respond negatively. By the way, it's biopsych. That means I can tell you what chemicals are floating around in your brain, but I'm nowhere near as well-versed in the soft science perspective as I should be. And stupid stuff interrupted my life, so I'm not in grad school yet.

And I am horrible, horrible, HORRIBLE with derailing the thread, but I have to say this thing about women being better at interpreting emotions because of connections is a myth, sadly sensationlized by a media that loves to publish pseudoscience if it will up their readership. It is true that women have higher cell density in connective areas of the frontal lobe as a statistical average, but we have not been able to find any affect it would have on behavior - and not for lack of trying. If we do find it gives women some kind of advantage, it will most likely be in judgement, planning or memory. The only way I could see it having to do with emotion is that it could lead to anxiety. On top of all that, brains are adaptive. The brain will create new connections if stimulated appropriately.
Oops. Well, I read that somewhere, and now I know it's one of those things you have to take with a grain of salt. My bad. But see "...if stimulated appropriately..." which means you have to 'stimulate' him 'appropriately'!

"Last, but definitely not least, jaeangel, I just want to say I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I think you're very brave."
No. I'm not. If I was truly brave I wouldn't have let my mother run my life after I turned 18. I wouldn't have taken her word that my drawings were trash and I would have accepted that scholarship and gone to that art school. My sister moved out as soon as she turned 18; I should have done the same. I'm a wuss at heart. And I admit that. Not happily. And I really don't like diggin up old memories, but if my story can help you, I'll do it. Gladly.
I hope some of this helped, Flicka. We're your friends here, we want to see you happy. Go ahead, rant, ask, whatever. If we can help, we will. *encouraging pat on the back, hugs Flicka*
Oh, completely an aside here, but...do you mind if i call you Flicka? I don't want to get too familar if you don't want it, but your full screename's sort of long...

[duktig flicka]

Damn you, jae, and your irrefutable, unquestionable and entirely pervasive being-rightness. I'm going to work on the letter. That whole thing was a ridiculously good idea.

And I did say you were brave, not that you were psychic, superhuman or knew everything. Who's being too hard on themselves now? You got through it, you survived, and now look at you harnessing the strength and the kindness to help others. I believe you learned an awful lot from your experiences - it's a horrible way to learn and if I could undo it I certainly would, but it's still worth noting how you emerged with such strength and wisdom.

Of course, you can certainly call me flicka. You can call me just about anything you like as long as it's not something terribly offensive. It's a teensy bit amusing in a cute sort of way to see people addressing me as just flicka since it literally means "girl."

*big warm hugs*