Online relationships 101

[smartass kitten]

O/l can be wonderful, but I find that it takes an enormous amount of trust on both sides. Sometimes it's misplaced as well.

You establish rules, get to know eachother, and for me it's no question that I wollow the rules, and tell my partner if I mess up in any way. (of course, I'm never ever a brat or smartass, noooo, that would be the easy way to get into trouble).

When my o/l relationship blew up, I found myself thinking that this type of thing could never work online, because you can't look eachother in the eyes, and it's such an easy medium to create a persona.

Now I've spent some time reading threads, and I see many are involved in an o/l relationship. So I was compelled to try again, and I am.
While I want to submit, I find it hard to do so, and now I'm not even sure if I can anymore.
Nothing seems tangible, if that's the correct english I'm using.

How do you do it?

This thread seemed like the right place for this pointles ramble. Didn't feel like it warranted it's own thread

[e.b.]

O/l can be wonderful, but I find that it takes an enormous amount of trust on both sides. ...

So I was compelled to try again, and I am.
While I want to submit, I find it hard to do so, and now I'm not even sure if I can anymore.
Nothing seems tangible, if that's the correct english I'm using.

How do you do it?

This thread seemed like the right place for this pointles ramble. Didn't feel like it warranted it's own thread

Wolverine,

Your post is far from "pointless". You're completely justified to feel the way you do right now. Regardless of online or off, D/s or vanilla, it's hard to allow yourself to be vulnerable and trust a new partner so soon after being hurt. Since trust is such an essential part of being able to submit, it makes sense that doing so right now is difficult for you. My Master and I have had our ups and downs lately and I'm finding myself feeling the same way (wanting to submit but not being sure I even can anymore). Sorry I can't offer more helpful suggestions but please know you're not alone in feeling the way you do. All I've found so far is that it takes lots of discussion, time, patience, and compassion from both partners to work through the issues that make trust difficult. As they resolve, hopefully the trust and submission will feel more natural and less forced again. Take care and good luck,

eb

[smartass kitten]

Thank you e.b.

It's just that I don't feel it would be right to ask a Dom(me) to try and work past the mess someone else left behind (ie me).

@*(^#$*@&$^(
Sorry.

[Pandora's Box]

Wolverine, you're both right and wrong.

Everyone has baggage. In one way or another. It's just part of life.

You will need to do your part to heal yourself. No one else can do that for your. However, when you have taken yourself as far as you can go and you feel ready again... that is when the other person can help you grow and learn even more.

At least those are my brief, and admittedly sleepy, thoughts on the subject.

Good luck.

[smartass kitten]

True.
And in all honesty I've learned a great deal from the whole thing.
Over the past few years Ive gotten to know a lot of people all over the world online, and not once was my intuition wrong. I even went to the US and Canada to meet some of them last year.

Yet the first time -ever- I act on this particular subject, my intuition was wrong.
Not once did I sense the betrayal.

I'm smart, I know I should go back to trusting my instincts.

But to me it doesn't seem fair to ask anyone to bear (?) my insecurities.
I'm not that type of person.

I know I'm saying it all kinds of wrong, because I can't even describe how I feel in my own language, let alone in english.
(and believe me, I'm awake )

[e.b.]

Thank you e.b.

It's just that I don't feel it would be right to ask a Dom(me) to try and work past the mess someone else left behind (ie me).

@*(^#$*@&$^(
Sorry.

Wolverine,

Pandora already addressed some of your concerns quite well. She's right that you are the only one that can really do the work of processing and moving through a bad experience. However, no one should have to do it all by themselves either. I don't know how you feel about professional therapy but it might be helpful for you, especially considering that you don't feel comfortable asking a significant other to work on it with you at this point. Besides, it's probably healthier to have a professional help as they are trained to do so and can be more objective.

Also, you are not a "mess", you're a person who deserves to be happy just like any of the rest of us. Once you get to a point where you feel more whole, then it's reasonable to expect your Dom(me) or partner to help too. That's what friends do. Granted, it's not their place to solve it for you, but they can offer support and someone to talk to as you work through things.

You're obviously already starting to work towards healing by posting here. You just have to try to stay confident and committed to growing from your past instead of letting it drown your spirit. Oh, and don't worry about your English, it's excellent...far better than I could do with my non-primary language.

eb

[smartass kitten]

You're obviously already starting to work towards healing by posting here. You just have to try to stay confident and committed to growing from your past instead of letting it drown your spirit. Oh, and don't worry about your English, it's excellent...far better than I could do with my non-primary language.

eb

Thanks
I'm in ST for a reason
Which is also why I now feel like I do, heh!

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and I will learn as much as I can from it.
Moving on is easy, letting go is not.

I can't be that bad a mess, no Seeing as a certain someone already claimed me

[Chuckdom19]

The warmth of the shared support is great, and sincere caring is hard to find.
My applause.

Perhaps here would be the place for me to unload as well. I noticed the (seemingly) large number of people looking for O/L relationships, and as a newbie here, posted a listing looking for a fem sub myself, maybe someone who is inexperienced as I am, and willing to take things slowly.

I got one answer. Responded to her, nothing back.

I am willing to accept that opening up may have been the wrong thing to do in starting the thread. Maybe even in my response.

Would anyone like to give me a hint what I said or did that was wrong?
Thanks in advance.

[Curtis]

As mentioned in another thread, what you did wrong was being a guy. Some half or so of the guys who place personals get no female responders. On the other hand, one guy who wrote one sentence got six responses in thread, and who knows how many more by PM and e-mail. You just never know.

[Krimson3]

[QUOTE=smartass kitten]Thank you e.b.

It's just that I don't feel it would be right to ask a Dom(me) to try and work past the mess someone else left behind (ie me).

[QUOTE]
Actually that is not true if the Dom/Master is experienced in r/t and has a good understanding of psychology and behavior modification. It does take time to overcome past damage of abuse, but that abuse can be turned into a strength.

Don't underestimate yourself as a person.

[His_pita]

I am in my first real D/s relationship. It just happens to be online, but it is the most intense relationship I have had online or in real life. I have been interested in BDSM for a while, played at it in real life and online.

But not until meeting my Sir have I ever known what it truly means to submit to someone and more importantly to truly want to.

I could go on and on about all the amazing things I have learned and how great my Dom is. I will try to control myself.

Once we realized we wanted to explore the D/s relationship together, he gave me another name: pita. He also had me only type in third person. This worked well in the beginning to set our roles but it became limiting and he allowed me to go back to first person. Although I often slip back into it, especially when he is being all Dom like. I love that!

We have had one discipline session over the phone that was the most intense thing I have ever done. It bonded me to him and made me His sub. We also had our first punishment session that taught us a lesson and made us closer. He broke the punishment with a very wonderful phone call.

Online is difficult but possible. It does take a lot of trust and communication. We talk more then anything else learning each other the best we can. We do hope to be together someday soon. We want the total package and that means we have to be together to fully get all of what D/s can mean.


About the subject of silence as a punishment. For the first time since my Dom and I met he is out of town for three days. I hate it! We can’t talk to each other or be online. He had once said to me silence would be a good punishment. I would rather do anything else. Not talking to him or even getting a mail, which I’m used to receiving throughout the day is torture. This weekend is dragging and I miss him so much!

[Nikita]

Pita,

I hope you don't mind I've used your last post to revive this thread as I think it is very relevant. There are quite a few things you discuss here that will be helpful for some others to think about and discuss.

I am in my first real D/s relationship. It just happens to be online, but it is the most intense relationship I have had online or in real life. I have been interested in BDSM for a while, played at it in real life and online.

But not until meeting my Sir have I ever known what it truly means to submit to someone and more importantly to truly want to.

I could go on and on about all the amazing things I have learned and how great my Dom is. I will try to control myself.

Once we realized we wanted to explore the D/s relationship together, he gave me another name: pita. He also had me only type in third person. This worked well in the beginning to set our roles but it became limiting and he allowed me to go back to first person. Although I often slip back into it, especially when he is being all Dom like. I love that!

We have had one discipline session over the phone that was the most intense thing I have ever done. It bonded me to him and made me His sub. We also had our first punishment session that taught us a lesson and made us closer. He broke the punishment with a very wonderful phone call.

Online is difficult but possible. It does take a lot of trust and communication. We talk more then anything else learning each other the best we can. We do hope to be together someday soon. We want the total package and that means we have to be together to fully get all of what D/s can mean.


About the subject of silence as a punishment. For the first time since my Dom and I met he is out of town for three days. I hate it! We can’t talk to each other or be online. He had once said to me silence would be a good punishment. I would rather do anything else. Not talking to him or even getting a mail, which I’m used to receiving throughout the day is torture. This weekend is dragging and I miss him so much!