New here and seeking advice

[Lil One]

First, let me say you're very fortunate to have found a partner who is so caring and thoughtful. This is a thing to nurture and grow. I'm glad for you.

To talk to him about what you need, why not try it one of two ways. When you both feel mellow, make a game out of making a list of all the things you'd like to try, and you'd like done to yourself. This might awaken him that he's not entirely living up to what you need. Otherwise, change the method a little; be a Domme who wants to (insert need here), and keep him gagged while he punishes you, while still having the safeword clearly understood. (My partner and I tried this, and it was fun.)

Try it and see. I hope you can work it all out together.

Thanks TaintedJohn and chksng19. I knew posting my question here would get me some sane and balanced advice. This website never fails to impress me. I agree with both of you that I need to talk to him about this.

chksng19, I really liked your idea making a game out of it......We actually have done just that....."you tell me your favorite fantasy and I'll tell you mine." I think his problem is that he lacks confidence to actually "take charge." It's so against his normal demeanor, but truthfully I think it would be great for him to express that side of himself.

One follow-up question - Does anyone have a "success" story of two subs making a BDSM relationship work? Is it possible? If so, what types of things need to be discussed and negotiated? Any feedback would be appreciated.

Thanks to all of you for such a great site!

[Chuckdom19]

Thanks TaintedJohn and chksng19. I knew posting my question here would get me some sane and balanced advice.
(snip)
One follow-up question - Does anyone have a "success" story of two subs making a BDSM relationship work? Is it possible? If so, what types of things need to be discussed and negotiated? Any feedback would be appreciated.

Thanks to all of you for such a great site!

Advice hereabouts is free, and sometimes worth what you pay for it
, but you are most welcome. Success shared increases human happiness as a whole.

My partner and I are both kind of switches. I like being sub, so does she. I like pleasing her by being Dom now and again, she likes to do the reverse. We have to discuss limits, safewords, etc, etc, until we're comfortable with the whole thing.

I think the most important thing is to be sensitive to the needs of your partner. If she likes it but I don't, I'll do it because her orgasms turn me on (don't know why, just the way I'm wired, I guess). If I want to try something she's hinky about, we'll work together on it.

(For instance, when my lady was in college, she was raped anally. During her first marriage, her abuser, ah, I mean first husband tried to do it several times; she damn near tore his nuts off. When I proposed it, she was terrified. Flashbacks like crazy. I looked at myself, and asked, if it were me, how would I want it done? Gently and gradually.

Without pushing it, I started playing with the back hole when she came. This allowed her to connect one with the other. Over the period of a couple months, we gentled it along. Before long, it worked. Now she loves it!)

That's what's necessary. And that's what works. Patience, caring, patience, and respect. The rest will come with time. Yes, we're vanilla-based; but we're growing and changing. You can too!

[Lil One]

Thanks chksng19. I actually had a very similar experience as your s/o. I was never a fan of anal. In hindsight (no pun intended), my only experience with it was clumsy half-drunk guys, little to no lube, and no warm-up whatsoever. When I met my guy 3 years ago, he said that anal was one of his favorite things. I cringed. He encouraged me to try. He went VERY slowly, used lots and lots of lube, used his fingers to help loosen me up, and never pushed until I was ready. WOW!!! What a difference! Now it's MY favorite thing. We often joke that he turned me into an anal addict!!

On the flipside, he also enjoys anal play. At first I went along with it because I knew he enjoyed it, and I enjoyed seeing him satisfied. But over time, that too has become a big turn-on for me. I really enjoy using a dildo on him (and have been fantasizing about getting a strap-on). I also love having my fingers (or more ) in there. Talk about intimacy!!!

Another question (since they're free ) - Do you (or any switches out there) find that playing one role vs the other brings out "untapped" parts of your character? For example, are you mild-mannered, but find that playing the dominant allows you to express a side of yourself that gets repressed? (Maybe I'm asking an unclear question.......)

[Chuckdom19]

[QUOTE=Lil One]Thanks chksng19. I actually had a very similar experience as your s/o. I was never a fan of anal. In hindsight (no pun intended), my only experience with it was clumsy half-drunk guys, little to no lube, and no warm-up whatsoever. When I met my guy 3 years ago, he said that anal was one of his favorite things. I cringed. He encouraged me to try. He went VERY slowly, used lots and lots of lube, used his fingers to help loosen me up, and never pushed until I was ready. WOW!!! What a difference! Now it's MY favorite thing. We often joke that he turned me into an anal addict!!

On the flipside, he also enjoys anal play. At first I went along with it because I knew he enjoyed it, and I enjoyed seeing him satisfied. But over time, that too has become a big turn-on for me. I really enjoy using a dildo on him (and have been fantasizing about getting a strap-on). I also love having my fingers (or more ) in there. Talk about intimacy!!!

****Done that once or twice myself. (After a good long shower together, as an appetizer [pun intended])

Another question (since they're free ) - Do you (or any switches out there) find that playing one role vs the other brings out "untapped" parts of your character? For example, are you mild-mannered, but find that playing the dominant allows you to express a side of yourself that gets repressed?

****Funny you should ask. I became a switch out of curiosity; most of my leanings were sub until my partner needed a Dom and I was handy. So to speak. Brought out the strong feelings of THAT role for me, and for my partner. She enjoys her Domme times now as much as I do. And yes, I have always been mild-mannered. A gentle man, as I am described by my partner. I guess it has inhibited others from being interested in O/L play; I've tried unsuccessfully to find someone for such.

(Maybe I'm asking an unclear question.......)

****Nah. Clear as glass.