First, lots of hugs to you, that's a scary and puzzling situation to be in.

Second, ask yourself ONE simple question.....is this the kind of atmosphere in which you want to raise your daughter???

You mentioned that you feared his temper before you attempted a BDSM-style relationship. To me that speaks volumes. BDSM isn't about *that* kind of fear. Get out or get him out, and find someone who deserves your obedience and love, not someone who scares you into it.