I'd agree with firefly here. While I can feel and love the passion and heartfelt nature of the words, it does need a little fine tuning. I think particularly the metre (or rhythm, if you prefer) is pretty much all over the place which makes it hard to follow. If you can make that a little more consistant, that'll help with making it more easy to set out. I love the beginning especially, though, that's a great foundation to it, and sets the tone nicely.

Overall, I still love it, and I would even not knowing what was behind it.