Quote Originally Posted by alexandra_p27
Since I am german and only learned this Oxford-Stuff in School, I would likely do better, not to reply
But I took a short look at "Holy Sex Slavers" which is rated 4.


My critics go to another point:
You write in short paragraphs and because you do, you should find
one major problem at once.
Nearly every paragraph starts with "x does that" "x thinks that" "x said that"
This style makes it very problematic to keep attention to the plot.
It is somehow nerving.
To make it clear: the problem is not the paragraphs themselves but
the relative leck of stylistic elements used.

But: critique in literature is not meant to eliminate literature as it could
be derived from critizism in science.
I think many things have to be only mentioned.
Just try to make the range of stylistic means a bit broader and it will be
much easier and more enjoyful to read the story.

As I said before: I shouldn't criticise you, because my "active" english
is very poor, but I have done some german writing and only wanted to help
alexandra_p27, I think you make a lot of very valid points. For someone whose native language is not English you did a very good critique of the story ""Holy Sex Slavers". I too looked through this story and came to some of the same conclusions as you. Many of the "paragraphs" are only one sentence in length. Paragraphs of one or two sentences are not paragraphs. The author needs to try and sustain his main thoughts through the whole paragraph. Also, I think the style is very juvenile. Ok, before everyone jumps on this let me explain. It reads as if he is saying this whole story. The sentences begin "He did", "She said", etc...as alexandra_p27 pointed out. Also, the story seems to move haltingly along. As if the author thought of another idea and then just inserted it here. Also, (and this is my opinion) I think the context is rather boring. The sex scenes are written as a juvenile writer would write about sex. Little intrique, lots of fuck, "ooh" "ahhhh", "thrusting" etc.... If this is the way you enjoy writing, great, but I would not be a reader of this type of literature.

So, what does the writer wish to do. You have two choices: Keep writing the way you do because it makes you feel good (and stop reading reviews). Or, if you want to improve or try new styles, then get some assistance from a professional source.

I think most people here are just trying to offer suggestions to assist you in improving. But honestly, you would need to really work with a prfoessional writer to make sustainable improvements, if you wish to.


Good luck.



SirW