Pushing Hard Limits

[tessa]

This thread is such a learning mine field. I love it!

"hard limit," you are saying, "Don't go there EVER. I don't like this at all. If you do this, I will be traumatized, and the relationship will end effective immediately."

This is my definition of "hard limit", for Dom/me or sub. But I also put my perspective of "knowing myself" into that definition. Which is why what Sir Russell says here-

Anyone that has taken my hard limit questionaire hopefully learned something about themselves. I have found that subs set a lot of hard limits that are areas that they secretly want to go.

made so much sense to me. Ten years ago, all limits would have been "hard limits" for me. Now I only have two, set in stone, hard limits. It's definitely a learning process for sure.

So I think that a Dom trying to really learn his sub/slave actual limits has to at least brush each one, except of course those that are also his hard limits.

Love that "brush each one" image there. Excellently stated. And I have a question, if I may. Questions actually, again, if I may. How often is the hard limit questionaire to be re-visited? What if one of the sub's previous hard limits changes to not a limit, yet it still remains a hard limit for the Dom/me? What then- brush it or avoid it? Same question in reverse. What about if it was hard limits'ville for the Dom/me but is no longer? Curious...

Pardon as my want-to-learn is showing.

Now would I deliberately push a sub/slave to break a hard limit- no never- but would I test each one softly and subtle, damn right I will.

That's 'cause you're a smart, smart man.

Oh if she has a hard limit with a hard reason that it is a limit then no I would not go there at all.

Again, smart. And I love having this insight into the Dominant mind. It sure does help so much with the learning process. Thank you.

There are maybe's and then there are no's. Pushing the maybe's can be hot.

~nods in big-time agreement~

Pushing the no's is disrespectful.

And potentially damamging, which is why I had to ask the "pushing" question initially. I like how you think, Euryleia.

I think it is experience. I treat an experienced sub who tells me her hard limits differently than I do an inexperienced one. this is because I have found, like Sir Russell, that the limits that she expresses are more about what she thinks than what she knows.

A grand thing for a Dom/me to know.

I think any need a dom might feel to push hard limits is mostly from a sub invoking the "hard" label when it isn't really warranted.

Exactly! Well said!

If a sub tells me she was anally raped with a knife at her throat, forced to bite down on an apple to stop her from screaming, then I would quickly know that her "hard limit" on being taken anally, use of knives in played or gagged is a hard limit, then I would never push on any of them. The opposite of this would be anal is a hard limit because it is wrong. That one I have to push a little to see how real it is.

These examples you give are most helpful in this defining process I'm in. Many thanks again.

And you aren't a "bad Dom", Sir Russell, and you know it. We are all different and operate under different theories. Having a set basis of respect for all that is D/s is what's important. That and a sense of true care and concern. You have all that (and much more, I'm sure).

These posts have helped clarify so much for me. Thanks to everyone for taking the time to put your thoughts here.

tessa