Thanks Ladychipmunk,

I really like the overall idea for the story, though I feel it would be much better in a different tense. For example instead of "It has been a miserable week with midterms and cold wet weather getting in the way of her running schedule. Lisa is thrilled to have the tests behind her and is looking forward to being Captain of the cross country team in this her senior year", try

"It had been a miserable week with midterms and cold wet weather getting in the way of her running schedule. Thrilled to have the tests behind her, Lisa was looking forward to being Captain of the cross country team in this her senior year."

I am not going to change the tense in the story, but I hope you can see how it would add to the flow of the story. Apart from the tense, the only other changes really lie in sentence formations.

After you had read the suggested changes below, I would like you to take a few paragraphs and try re-writing them using the different tense I suggested above. It should only involve changing a few words per paragraph, but please let me know if you are not sure what needs to be changed.




The Test

“Here is the dossier for the last girl we are scheduled to collect this season.” Steve says and tosses the thick manila folder on the mahogany and leather conference table. Seated around the table are the three Masters that run the Company. “I’ve been watching her for the last 2 years and she seems to be ready. I propose that we put her to the final test.”

While the Masters pass the manila folder between each other and peruse the contents, Steve looks around the well appointed room. Kneeling besides each master’s chair is a beautiful, naked woman, each with their eyes appropriately down cast. Steve looks at the little redhead with pride. He personally trained her three years ago. She was his last trainee before he began his surveillance of the girl he hoped would be his next “student”. It took him only 8 months to train her well enough that one of the masters himself purchased her at the annual auctions.

The masters stood. The one in the middle pushed the manila folder to the center of the table. “We concur. Make the arrangements. Report back to us with the results.” The three men filed out, the women trailing at their heels, eyes downcast and their hands resting behind their backs in an “at ease” position.

“Little Red Corvette…..” She sings as her feet slap the shoulder of the deserted back road. Despite the cold dreary rain falling from the sky Lisa is taking her daily 5 mile run to stay in shape for the cross Country track team. I don't think this sentence works as well as it should- maybe try something like " Lisa hadn't let the cold, dreary rain deter her from doing her daily 5 mile run in order to stay in shape for the Cross Country team. It has been a miserable week with midterms and cold wet weather getting in the way of her running schedule. Lisa is thrilled to have the tests behind her and is looking forward to being Captain of the cross country team in this her senior year. She is not paying any attention to the sound of a van slowing down behind her. Suddenly she is yanked into a vehicle; a sack is pulled over her head and the van speeds away.

“Let me go!” Lisa screams through the sack. “What do you want with me?”

“Shut up.” a voice growls in her ear belonging to the arms pinning her limbs to he sides. This would be better as just, " a voice growls in her ear, as her limbs are pinned to her side. “Be quiet and we won’t have to hurt you.” The car stops suddenly and the man with the gravelly voice puts his forearm across her windpipe. “Be quiet and walk quietly with me and I won’t have to strangle you.”

Lisa ceases to struggle. Living is the better part of valor she decides. The man drags her into a building. The sack is removed from her head. Lisa looks around her. There are four captors and they are all wearing ski masks. Lisa looks around her and sees four captors, all wearing ski masks.“You may scream all you want. There is no one for miles around to hear you.” says one of the masked men as he approaches her.

She tries to run nut butis caught by a different man. They play with her as a cat plays with a mouse; toying with her as she struggles and screams until she collapses with exhaustion.

“No Nowthat you have that out of your system. You can listen to what you have to do to get out of here.".” that you have that out of your system, you can listen to what you have to do to get out of here."one of the gravelly voices utters to her left.

Another voice picks up the narrative. “You will strip; one piece of clothing at a time. As you remove your clothing you will carefully fold and neatly stack each piece on the table over there.” He gestures to a dusty old bar table. “Then, you will get on your knees and suck each of us off.”

Lisa having realizing that the only way she would get out of here is to cooperate. Slowly begins to unzip her wind breaker. This would work better as one sentence -Lisa, realizing that the only way she would get out of here is to cooperate, slowly begins to unzip her wind breaker. Neatly folding it as commanded, she gets down to her bra and panties and begins to hesitate.

“Those too.” One of the voices grinds out. “You are to be completely naked.”

Slowly Lisa sinks to her knees; tears of shame and humiliation sliding down her face as she stifles sobs deep in her chest, causing her ample breasts to heave and bounce.Slowly Lisa sinks to her knees; tears of shame and humiliation sliding down her face. As she stifles sobs deep in her chest, her ample breasts heave and bounce. She takes each of them deep into her mouth, gagging as they each shoot their wad down her throat.

“Now go stand on the bar, facing away from us. Bend over and insert your finger into your slit. Smile pretty for the camera.” A flash goes off.

The men with their tools hanging out all approach her. Suddenly arms are imprisoning her again. The sack is replaced on her head. Suddenly arms are imprisoning her again and the sack is replaced on her headShe feels the draft and the cold rain on her bare skin as she is drug dragged nude out of the building into the van. Sobbing quietly the entire ride she has no idea what is to happen to her now.

“You will tell no one what happened here today. If you do those pictures of you will suddenly appear all over the place and you will be revealed for the little slut you are. Understand.” She nods. “Good. We are going to let you out soon. Count to 300 before you begin to remove the sack.”

The van stops moving. She is shoved out of the vehicle naked as the day she was born. Landing on top of her is the pile of her clothes.

“One, two, three...” she counts sobbing in the bushes as the van races away from her.

Steve, up in a tree stand watches to see when she will remove the sack, dress and return home. Steve, up in a tree, watches to see when she will remove the sack, dress and return home.[/ I would like to see a stronger ending, maybe telling how Steve feels seeing her naked and crying.