Quote Originally Posted by ladychipmunk View Post
Well it took me long enough with the interruption of turkey day and all but here is the re-write of one of my previous stories, as requested. I couldn't come up with an addition to the story but like what the change in tense did for it.

[COLOR="orange"]I entered the bar/restaurant.
Who would have ever thought I would see a forward slash in literature. Don't do that again. It's not just bad form it's crap.

He told me to meet him here. I wore my most business-like khaki colored trench coat as instructed, my hair high on my head in a French twist.
This doesnt really provide much. It sort of peters out.

The night breeze was quite cool on my neck. Generally, I wore my hair in a serviceable bun or ponytail, but this was his request.
Yeah, that it was his request was implied in the previous part I quoted. Another thing, you are working bland to a science here. Later in the story you give us the bit about the cold November air but you fail to set that here. Set your story up.

I could smell the musty sweet scent of old alcohol in the air of the room along with the smells of grilled steak and baked potatoes. It was a high class restaurant and bar not just your typical sports bar establishment. As in most bars the ball game was on but here the volume was turned down so all you could do was watch the game and read the dialogue as if you were deaf.
"As in most bars..." what the hell is this? Don't give me a definition of what a hgih class restaurant and bar is - describe the damned thing. Tell the damned story don't give me the "According to Hoyle" version. Write!

Around me were the sounds of people eating and laughing in the dining room area apart from the bar. I went to the bar and asked for the Grant party.
We know folks are talking and eating and laughing - now fill the air with it and make me hear it. Then, dont "went" to the bar, and "asked for the Grant party" and just leave it there. It hangs up on itself and dies the slow gurgling death of boredom.

“Are you wearing the proper attire?” the woman tending bar looked at me doubtfully.

“I dressed as he requested” I replied blushing as I remembered with some embarrassment what I wore or wasn’t wearing under the coat.
Asside from missing commas, your final description could have been more exciting. You tend to you "as" a lot. Throw in a comma, make the thought now and not so passive.

The bartender picked up the house phone. “Grant, your passenger is here.”

“Have a seat at the bar. The driver will be with you in a minute.”

I elected not to sit on the high bar stool fearing my coat would fall open and my lack of attire would be exposed. I stood, clutched my coat closed and looked in the direction of the entry while I waited for this mysterious driver. My stomach grumbled. I was not sure if it was the smell of the delicious food wafting from the kitchens or just sheer nervousness.
What is the deal with you chopping every moment down to unexciting levels? Everything is so passive - make something seem immediate even if it is past tense. Bring this some pop!

A man in a chauffeurs outfit entered the bar and walked straight towards me.
What the hell is a chauffer's outfit? Is that like a fire-man's outfit? Look, chicks have outfits - kids have outfits. When you write, people don't have outfits. People "wear" or are "wearing". Also, he didnt walk "straight" towards you, he walked "directly" towards you. "Straight" is more colloquial, or some other big word.

“Ma’am, if you will kindly follow me I will drive you to your destination.” He turned and walked to a very elegant shadow grey limousine. I thought it was a Rolls Royce. I am not too car savvy but at least it wasn’t one of those stretch SUV’s; not only are they ugly but I hate to think of what I would have exposed climbing into one that night.
I really need to introduce you to the "comma". Trust me, it'll liven up your story telling. Also, getting rid of how ugly a stretch SUV is would liven it up too.

The driver held the door open for me as I slide into the vehicle. The interior was dark grey and smelled deliciously of leather. The seats were unexpectedly warm that chilly November night. The driver entered the car.
Thanks for finally giving me the month and an idea of the temperature. That should have gone near the beginning of your story. It should have been descibed with her coalescing breath and the hardness of her nipples making her fear her exposure for her lack of clothing.

Finally - "the driver entered the car". Wow. You had me at "the". Okay, you may think I am being overly harsh, but you are dropping little bits of boring all over something that should be exciting.

Looking back at me through the window that separated the passenger area from the cab of the vehicle, he spoke. “Please make yourself comfortable. It will be about an hour and a half to your destination. There’s a package you are to open on the seat over there.” I could hear the sound of the ball game playing over the radio in the front.
Sorry, hearing the sound of the ball game going on over the radio doesn't work. The sentence comes in out of the blue and it doesn't have the proper feel. It seems to me that you don't know how to use "he said" or "she said" and you are covering for it.

The driver turned around and the window separating the compartments closed.
Okay, technically, the conjunction for the window closing was fine. But that whole sentence was a drag.

Once the window was shut I heard nothing but silence.
That's what I am hearing right now too.

Watch this:

The driver turned around, hitting the switch that raised the glass between our compartments, shutting us out from each other. Suddenly, there was nothing but my heart beat and the sound of my breathing to keep me company.

See that - I raised the glass and closed off the compartments and made it more immediate - got rid of that "and", which killed the flow. Then I showed the silence without mentioning it. Sometimes what you say can be louder if you don't say it.

Okay, I am not going to abuse you any further. Yes, I know I have been a dick. That's why I do this - so I can be a dick but you all will have to say "he was just helping". So you all must love me, for I am helping. This is what you have to look forward to when you get to Level 4, by the way. It's just me, you, Mad Lews and a can of foot in your ass.

Onward...my whole point in this abuse was to help you find your structure. It is your main flaw. Work on combining two short sentences into one. Work on giving descriptions on time - like the November thing. Learn to give a description of what is necessary and not what isn't necessary. I gave some prime examples. Further, if something is dull in its nature, make it less dull. Finally, stop being passive. Give your creatures life.

Okay, I am zipping up and moving on.