I get what you mean. I think a lot of it has been the co-opting of BDSM-life into other subcultures besides our own... such as Goth. A Goth teenager will wear a chunky black collar for entirely different reasons that a middle-aged submissive does.

For some people, it is all about the shock factor.

I have always found a subtle simmering of sexual energy beneath the surface to be way sexier than the blatant in-your-face kind.