Quote Originally Posted by Aussiegirl1 View Post
You have a good use of languague and punctuation, which means this was a well crafated piece. I do feel there is something missing though, even though I am finding it hard to put my finger on it. I think that I would like to learn more about Steve's emotions, even though I know in this piece, he purposely was hiding his emotions.

I would like you to do another piece of writing, which puts Steve into a more openly emotional scene. The one idea that came to my mind was what if he discovered his sister was being trained as a slave! I am also intriqued by the idea of him being a slave too, so that could be even be an idea for the piece.
AG
Hello, Aussiegirl, and thanks for taking the time to read this piece. I agree with you. There is something vaguely incomplete with this scene, but I couldn't figure out what was missing, either.

I'll be happy to write another scene or story, but, if you don't mind, first, I'd like to take another crack at this one. I'd like to see if I can get the reader to really empathize with Steve's predicament.

I'm sorry to be stubborn about this piece, but I tend to be a little like a terrier with a bone--I worry at it until it submits! And I hate leaving an almost-good piece just lying there.

Thanks for your patience,