Slothlands Academy

[Uncle_Ed]

From the desk of
Mr. Arbuthnot Squiffington-Smythe (with an ‘e’)
Teacher (With A Tawse)
Bachelor Of Naughtiness and Doctorate in Advanced General Excellence


Date as weltmark on messenger.


Dear Headmaster,

I have been giving some thought to the annual staff-student drama production for this year, and thought that you would be interested in progress so far.

I know that you were keen that, once again, we perform The Taming of The Shrew, and whilst I cannot deny that this has afforded considerable pleasure in years past (sometimes also to the audience), I do feel that after 8 years in a row, it is time to give this production a rest and seek a new challenge.

I have been considering other Shakespearian options, and in the light of my ground-breaking textual revisions, I conclude that there is certainly potential for a unique Slothlands interpretation of the great tragedies: Hamlet (‘To beat or not to beat?’), Macbeth (‘Is this a flogger that I see before me?’), Othello (with Des-the-moaner), Julius – Seize Her!, Romie ‘Oh!’d As July Ate and of course King Leer. We could even explore some of the lesser-known works, such as Tight As Andronicus and Tie’Em On of Athens. I regret that I have been unable to do anything with Coriolanus.

The comedies, too, are not devoid of promise. We could do The Extremely Satisfied Wives of Windsor, My Twelfth Tonight, All’s Well That Heals Well, Much Ado About Everyone, The Merchant of Venice (‘Give me justice and my bondage!’), The Two Gentlemen and Veronica, The Punishment of Errors, As I Like It, and that charming comedy about two teenage boys comparing manhoods, Measure for Measure. However, I must confess that cariad usually makes me think of A Midsummer Night’s Dream.

We could of course break with tradition and do some Chekhov. I know how much you enjoyed the Festival we visited at my relatives’ house in Russia, where we were both excited to watch Uncle Vanya with Three Sisters.

In any case, I shall continue my search for a play that can truly uphold the fine traditions of this Academy. Oh, and do let me have my ReadyRub back when you are finished with it.

Buthy (without an ‘e’)

[Uncle_Ed]

Slothlands Academy for Girls
The Old School House
Birchingem

Headmaster: Edmund Master P(erve) Hons.

MEMO TO: MR. A.SQUIFFINGON-SMYTHE

RE: ACADEMY PLAY.

Thank you for your memo with your ideas surrounding the end of term play. I note with satisfaction the extremely perverted nature of your suggestions. (You did go to private school obviously)

I will leave the final choice up to you. Just as long that there are a lot of girls dressing up and parading themselves, frankly I don’t give a Sloth’s left bollock.

Incidentally, are you prepared to run the Friday film club? I’ve seen in your study and you appear to be a real film buff. At least, I’ve seen you watching your films in the buff. My personal favourite is “Bandy Mandy and the Randy Handyman spank Sandy and Candy” A little-known classic.

Ed Master.

[Uncle_Ed]

LESSON ONE-CLASS-ONE

The door closes behind Ed as he walks into the first ever Slothlands class. He stands at his desk and surveys the four hopeful young faces before him. Ed shuts his magazine and looks up at the class.

"Girls" He says. Ed is nothing if not observant.

"Girls, we are going to start the class with you pairing up. I want you to learn all you can about your partner and then tell the rest of us about them. No detail is too sordid and filth will earn you both extra points."

Ed reaches under his desk and starts his recorder...

Girls; please carry out your task.