Arrr. Ted Stoat here, putting his homework in.

5 women I'd like to tie me up. Yum.
1. Angelina Jolie, because she's filthy and perverted and would give me a session I'd never forget.
2. Drew Barrymore, who has the sultriest grin of all the Hollywood stars, and could leave all sorts of lipstick traces over my body. Yum.
3. Portia De Rossi, when she joined the cast of Ally McBeal, before she became really thin. Yum. I'd love her to smother me with her delectable breasts, plus the bonus factor that she's a lesbian might give old Ted some severe cane marks.
4. Kelly Brook, though I doubt she'd be as dirty as the other girls.
5. Lindsay Lohan, who the press want to portray as a loonie, but I reckon she's very sweet. If nothing else, she could be trusted to untie me at the end of the night.

Bubbling under:
Eliza Dushku, Salma Hayek, Shannon Elizabeth, Scarlett Johannsen

5 "pretty" women I'd never let near me:
1. Kate Moss, who does nothing for me. Don't know if you saw that White Stripes video where she was a lapdancer - she was hopeless! No sensual hip movement at all.
2. Lucy Liu. I'm not sure whether she's actually bonkers or not, but she looks it.
3. Mariah Carey. Because she is bonkers.
4. Halle Berry, because she doesn't look as though she'd have a sense of humour. If I were tied up there, she'd have to have one. Oops.
5. Avril Levigne, because she'd snap.

Q/Ted xx