Is Dom/sub natural or learned?

[jeanne]

I think being dominant or submissive is a "natural leaning" as icey put it. The learning part comes in when you begin to express that leaning. For me as a submissive the learning comes from a need to please Him. I think often of how I can be more pleasing to Him...and pay close attention to His words and actions so I can learn. I also have a desire to better understand my submissive self. For a dominant, I'd think a big part of the learning is motivated by the need to dominate without causing harm. So learning how to use a flogger correctly or studying psychology to gain insight into the mental aspect of D/s brings them the confidence they need to actually get what they want. My Dom requires willing obedience. (As opposed to having to 'force' me to it.) And He has the confidence in himself to expect that from me...and I see that confidence, which gives me trust that my obedience won't cause me (or Him) harm.

[TomOfSweden]

he he. Funny. I feel schizofrenic. I don't think I would have formulated my earlier comments like I would have today.

[jeanne]

he he. Funny. I feel schizofrenic. I don't think I would have formulated my earlier comments like I would have today.

Reformulate, please? It's interesting when people share how they've changed/grown on a particular topic over time.

[orangeblossoms]

Funny enough I asked this question to my owner a few days ago, and I definitely think that being submissive or dominant is something that comes naturally. Both he and I saw things a bit differently, normal things, but underlying there was that quality that makes me his slave now and him my owner. Of course as children you dont quite know what you are feeling, you dont have a name for it, but it was there. Now as adults, we can label ourselves, and use all the fancy acronyms to describe our kinks and fetishes. Furthermore in my personal opinion, I think its natural to feel submissive or dominant even from early childhood, but growing up in society, you are taught to oppress those feelings because their "unnatural" or "deviant", and some luckily never quite manage to oppress it (lucky for me) , others end up discovering their true selves later on in life, and unfortunetly some never quite manage to embrace who they are. I feel happy to say that I have never hid my true self from anyone, and have always, always embraced and accepted and explored who I am, so that even at my young age, I know what I want and how Im gonna make sure that I get it.

[stripedangel]

Wow, haven't thought about this question...what an interesting topic!

Well, Master is a natural Dom. I am a natural submissive, i guess. However, my mother was always submissive to my father. So, maybe i simply learned to be that way from her. Their marriage was so good that he could not be alone after she died, and married again very quickly...to a total bitch who was NOT submissive. His benefit--he was not alone. He was not happily re-married, however, so he stayed in the garage all day.

My maternal grandmother was not submissive, and my grandfather was not around for the most part, so i suppose that my mother did not learn to be submissive.

i'm interested in others' responses to this question!

[Ownedfyre (mm1)]

I would have to say for me it is a very natural trait. When I look back on my life, I can see all the submissive tendencies in the way I did things, the decisions I made and the fantasies I had even as a young teen. There was always that need to be controlled, cared for, dominated and even hurt in some way. (joined the Marines at 18!) Of course this led to a couple of pretty destructive relationships, but it has also made me who I am. I never knew exactly what it was until I realized that I am a submissive. Having a 'name' to put on it, a definition, was like finding home for me. My whole life I searched for meaning and for a reason that I am the way I am, always feeling like it eluded me. Not any more. Some people join religions and find themselves. I found myself when I realized that I am indeed submissive. It all makes sense. I wholeheartedly believe that is a natural state for me. I can't imagine being anything other than a sub, nor would I want to!

[ashtonDs]

originally posted by briansmine
What's missing now?

It sounds kind of funny to say this in a BDSM forum but maybe some mention of caring, dare I say love?

If your relationship is only a Dom/me sub agreement you both had better have everything down before you start because that agreement is the foundation of your relationship.

If, on the other hand, you do truly care for each other you can overcome many problems because of that bond. What you will also find is that some things that seemed so important at the beginning, like say, the true definition of dominance and submission, just may suddenly seem not as important in light of your relationship.

Sometimes putting stuff like this into words in difficult. Summing it all up is more difficult but I'll try: If your relationship is more about your feelings of devotion for each other and less about definitions or 24/7 then dealing with the definitions and the 24/7 will come a bit easier.

If this is going to work you have to realize it's not all about ropes and crops and swats. It's also about paying bills, buying groceries, and taking good care of each other.

[meeker]

True and false....yes some of it has to be to a point of being natural....because you have to have you heart set to it.....yes it can be learned....i dont care if you have been in the lifestyle for 200 years you always learn something new everyday and there is always sometime new to learn.Also with learning about it even though someone isnt a natural but wants to try the lifestyle out for the satisfaction i feel belongs in the category as thats where your heart is into it.