Interesting topic. My own view of bdsm is - I am, to an overwhelming extent, what He has made me. Tristan is conservative politically, but in personal/private matters He is libertarian to the point of anarchy - so we never had anything fixed. Of course it helped I was young and inexperienced and so focussed on Him some called it obsession. He is Dominant, I am submissive - there is no why to beat around that, but rather then have some fixed protocol our approach has been more organic (and more volatile). We basically struggled it out - but I always viewed bdsm as something liberating, that it is whatever we make of it and how we tailor it for ourselves. I have met some wonderful couples that live Taken in Hand lifestyle, and we did talk about it, but it just isn't right fit for us or for myself. I am His wife, His submissive and His equal - I don't know how, but it works.