Going Forward or Moving Backward?

[Pearlgem]

He never actually gave me a reason to doubt him, but I did anyway...all the time. He would think everything was fine, but inside I'd be stewing. Rather than try to communicate like an adult in the way that he showed me, I'd let it build until I exploded in an emotional outburst. I've been trying like hell to figure out why in the world I'd sabotage myself and him that way. I think I've got it, and I'm working to change it.

I've done/do this. It was very marked in my last (vanilla) relationship. I would be disappointed, frustrated, angry, furious all on the inside and what always made it worse was that he seemed oblivious to my hurt feelings apart from a vague notion perhaps that something was wrong. How dare he! Then when it all came tumbling out, as it must, he would act highly aggrieved that I hadn't 'gone through the proper channels' and where did all this fury come from??? He should know when he's being a jerk, I'd think! In the end I figured it out. We were great in many ways but fundamentally incompatible emotionally and I just had to face this truth. You know it's true when your other half acts threatened by your way of engaging with the world. When I did admit it I felt a great deal better about myself. Far from there being anything wrong with me, as he would often claim, I could forgive and understand myself (and him) and reassure myself I was lovable.

I have the same fundamental emotional make up now as I did then. I get aggrieved. I stew on it. But the difference now is, I am with someone who doesn't feel threatened by my varying emotional climates - not one bit. He himself remains calm, doesn't join me in recrimination, LISTENS, lets me vent, and is still with me when it's all out and I'm ready to see reason and look for a solution. Because of this - being with someone who really suits me emotionally, who accepts and even delights in all I am - I feel the need to blow far less often, I sometimes avoid it completely and just get straight to the good end bit, I have modified my own behaviour because now I find something that works for me much better than the 'sabotage' that used to do me no good.

Do you actually have resentments, Red, or are you just repeating old emotional patterns? Does he suit you well emotionally, or will you always 'need' to stew and burn, so poisonous to the happiness of a relationship? Behaviours can change, but best if you can delight in the unalloyed emotional truth about each other.