I wish I had the answers to your questions, I think we all ask them at some point.
We have 2 options; let our doubts, our uneasiness take over and never let out bodies feel what we desire & our minds crave, or do we take a chance on others being as genuine as we are and gradually hand over our trust, hoping we are not let down.
Thank you posting, it's raw, shows your anger & resentment but also shows that, just like the majority of us you are firstly a human being, thats capable of being hurt.
I wish you well, take time to heal yourself.
Hugs
x