well i have really limited experience on all this, but from what ive learned this last few months im empathising with you. and i get totally about the testing thing, pushing limits, ive done that too. ive done it in various relationships, family and friendships too.
could it just be so simple as suggesting that you havent found the right Domme for you yet? ah, my advice sucks, but i bet there'll be someone you will find who will complement you as you are and you them.