Dominance and Submission?

what is Domination/submission?

Please note that in this they speak of the Dom being male and the submissive being female, and we all know they can be either or the opposite sex.

A lot has been written on the subject, and I don't wish to be redundant here. If you are serious about D/s, read the literature and talk with other Dominants and submissives. You will find many different ideas and styles when doing so. No one is Dominant or submissive in the same way. Everyone is unique.

For my purposes here, however, I will mention that D/s is ultimately about a power exchange between two individuals. The submissive turns her power, control, and her body over to the Dominant who, in turn, takes on the responsibility of ensuring that the relationship is advancing, growing, developing. The submissive's role is to serve her Master according to His instructions and training, but within agreed upon limits and boundaries.
In this exchange, the Dominant has the responsibility for, and the authority over, the submissive. The extent of this varies from couple to couple, and in my opinion, should be negotiated between the two. For example, some Dominants wish to control every aspect of the submissive's life, including career, contact with family, and so forth. A submissive might like to know about this before getting too involved with such a Dominant.

domination/submission -- a subjective experience

There is no "one right way" to be Dominant or submissive. Anyone who insists otherwise is likely inexperienced, extremely egotistical, and/or downright dangerous.

Submissives should be wary of Dominants who think their style is the only right style, and especially wary of Dominants who do not think they have anything to learn from other Dom/mes or submissives, for that matter.

Don't get me wrong, a submissive should obey her Master; however, before she takes a collar, she should be certain that the Dominant is committed to learning and open to change. D/s is a process, not an event, or a static existence.

That being said, I offer my perspective on a few of the dynamics of D/s. I am not concerned about you agreeing with everything I have to say, but I do hope you will do me the honor of considering my words and reflecting on them.

(1) submissives have a voice, their own identity
I know. This sounds obvious. But many new submissives think they have no say in what will happen to them. And, for some reason, they think they should be addressing anyone who calls himself a Dom as "Sir." Simply put, this is hogwash. Don't address any Dom as "Sir" unless you feel he deserves such protocol. An experienced Dom won't expect you to address Him as "Sir." Such Doms are too self-confident and respectful of submissives, in my opinion, to get all worked up about having every submissive they meet address them as "Sir."

(2) submissives are special
To my way of thinking, a submissive is a very special person, worthy of utmost respect and admiration. After all, she is prepared -- or is preparing herself -- to one day serve a Master. Such an offering is unparalleled in the vanilla world. Any Dominant who does not approach a submissive with due respect should not be trusted.

As a special one, a submissive should expect to be treated well. If you act like a doormat, you will be found out by those who are looking for one.

(3) trust is paramount
Both partners need to trust each other totally or a real time relationship will falter, eventually fail, and in time cause considerable pain, if not psychological injury. Trust is a process. It evolves through open communication, sharing, mutual exploration, and honesty about needs, worries, expectations, and limits.

(4) limits and boundaries
Think of boundaries as permanent restrictions and limits as more temporal in nature. Everyone has a few natural boundaries. For example, no sex with minors, no scat play, and no permanent injuries are common and sensible boundaries. These will likely never change. Any Dom who tries to change, or who disregards, boundaries is dangerous and should not be submitted to, in my opinion.

Limits are more tied to the evolution of a relationship and to the growth of both the submissive and the Dominant. For example, a new submissive will have more limits than she will 6 months from now, and so on. Limits should be respected, of course, but also tested and challenged by the Dom. In fact, I would suggest that a submissive who wishes to have her submission nurtured knows that she needs a responsible, trustworthy Dom to push her limits and often take her beyond them.

That being said, Dominants should not collar a submissive who has too many boundaries and limits for Him. In such an instance, collaring her will only lead to frustration and dissatisfaction. Better to find a submissive who is more in sync with you. For example, if you are a sadist, seek out a submissive who either is a masochist or has masochistic leanings. Don't invest much time in a submissive who cannot tolerate much pain.

An experienced Dominant will always make sure His submissive has a safe word, which is a word the submissive can use during a scene if things are getting out of hand for her. Safe words mean stop. A Dominant who does not heed a safe call is dangerous.

(5) good Masters listen and dialogue
When getting to know one another, asking questions is paramount to setting a strong, trusting foundation. A good Dominant will not only allow questions, he will ask many as well. He should be asking the submissive about her needs, attributes, aspirations, skills, worries, fears, and so forth. Submissives should watch out for Doms who are quick to tell them what they needs and want. And Doms should be wary of submissives who cannot articulate their needs, goals, and so forth. Oh by the way, in this kind of exchange, be honest. If you are inexperienced, admit it. All of us were inexperienced at one point. No shame in that.

(6) one Master, one submissive
Many of my Dominant friends will disagree with me, and I mean them no disrespect, but I do not believe a 24/7 relationship can work if the Master owns more than one submissive. I say this because I believe a successful 24/7 relationship must be built on love and adoration and clear, constant focus. I do not believe such focus can be equitably split between two submissives. Invariably, in my experience, one submissive is more important, or perceived to be more important, than the other submissive.

You might very well disagree with me on this, but I would suggest that new submissives think hard before they become the property of a Dominant who is prone to owning multiple submissives. It is not about what is right or wrong. Just be careful with your heart.

(7) fairness is crucial
A fair Dominant will never punish his submissive for something that is out of her control. On the other hand, when my slave requires discipline or punishment, it is important that she receive it. To do otherwise would constitute failure on my part as her Master.

(8) training takes time
Training is a process. Any Dominant who expects his submissive to perform to all His expectations early on in the relationship is not realistic about how D/s works. Ownership is a living process, involving hard work, clear communication, and, at times, frustration. The proof of a strong relationship is how well the Dom guides the relationship and how focused the submissive remains during hard times.

Everything a Master's submissive does or does not do is ultimately a reflection on Him. While punishment is necessary at times, the real challenge is to train the submissive so that punishment is a rare, if ever, occurrence.

(9) D/s should be fun
Domination and submission should be fun. If you cannot laugh and do the happy dance now and again, why bother with this life-style? Nuff said.

(10) warnings to subs

a)First Meetings
When you are ready to move from an on-line relationship to your first real-time meeting, make sure that you know the Dominant's full name, telephone numbers, address, and place of work. You should also have a picture of Him. If a Dominant wishes for you to serve Him in real time, then He expects you to trust Him. He should not have a problem with divulging this information. I would also suggest you check out the information as well before meeting.

As well, when first meeting, have at least two people (friends of yours) who can act as a safe call. Make sure you have pre-arranged times to phone these people during your first visit with your Dominant. Have a code word to use on the phone, so that if the person on the other end hears it, she/he will know you are in trouble and will take necessary steps to help you. I know this sounds a bit paranoid, but there have been numerous submissives (a couple who are friends of mine) who did not take these steps and were raped.

b) Substances, Alcohol
Never scene drunk or high. Be wary of a Dominant who has been drinking or who wants to smoke up or pill down prior to a session.

Do not get involved with a Dominant who is an alcoholic. If he can't master alcohol, he shouldn't be mastering you. The same goes for any other substance addiction.

c) Violence, Threats
Never tolerate violence against you. If a Dominant ever threatens you with bodily harm, inform others of this, including the police. Do not give such a Dom a second chance.


Best of Both Worlds or a Cop Out?
To be considered a switch, one is neither 100% dominant, nor 100% submissive. to some, this would seem like a fruitless struggle unto themselves, but to others, this is where they find the most comfort. There are people
who can feel completely submissive one day, then the next they feel dominant. Some cases, a switch can feel submissive at the beginning of the scene, then by then end, they are the dominant or vice versa. This only works, however, if the switch is involved with another switch. But this does not mean that there is anything wrong with being a switch, it is just who they are.
Is being a switch really the best of both worlds? Some say that it is, for they get the control that they seek when they seek it, yet they can still be in control when they feel that urge. However, being a switch isn't without problems, especially when a switch gets involved with someone who is either a complete dominant or a
complete submissive. Often times, a dominant or a submissive won't understand the needs of a switch. A dominant or submissive will be unable to fulfill the complete needs of the switch, so they will want seek out someone who can fill the piece that is still missing. In some cases, the current dominant or a submissive, may not like this and can try to keep the switch from finding one who can give what is missing. To say that a switch has the best of both worlds would be saying that being dominant or submissive is not a fulfilling position to be in. This is far from the truth, it is just simply what is right for some people and not for others..
This leaves the question, however, of whether one can be both dominant and submissive. In a lot of cases, it is not possible for a person to be both. They are naturally dominant, or naturally submissive and that is all that they are. While others still are dominant in some situations, while being submissive in others. For instance a woman could feel submissive when they are involved with males, but feel dominant when they are involved with a female. This is not always a blanket case however, because there can be cases where the dominant feels submissive to one single person, simply because of who the person is, not what gender they are. This also means that a person can feel submissive to all but a single person, whom they feel dominant with.

With all that being said, why not just choose to be one or the other? For some that is not really feasible to choose. It is not natural for them to be one or the other. Being a switch is who they are. There is no point in denying who or what you are if you wish to live your life to the fullest. I don't see where you come out ahead or behind by being one or the other if that is not who you truly are inside.

With that said, one would have to remiss not to say that switches are often forgotten a segment of the lifestyle. Because, traditionally, when speaking of lifestyle choices, dominant and submissive are spoken of. This would lead someone who is new to the lifestyle to believe that they are the only options even when they do not feel that they are one or the other.

This is another out look on being a switch...

SWITCHES...

The Switch. Adding this component into understanding of the community is often similar to adding a dose of confusion or chaos. In addition, many within the on-line community have chosen to malign people who identify themselves as switches and they tend to be made to feel uncomfortable within the two easily identified groups of Dominant's and submissives. This is unfortunate and very wrong. When any group becomes polarized or elects to ostracize or exclude people who express themselves differently they inevitably weaken the whole. Being a Switch does not make the individual any less a member of the community. There is some evidence that the Switch community may actually be the largest and fastest growing segment of the community. It is true that within the real life community that a large percentage of both Dominant's and submissives have at some point switched orientation. There is also a tendency, primarily in the online community, to believe that a Switch is not a Dominant or submissive at all but instead a Top or a bottom. While this is true sometimes, it is not true all the time.

In general a Switch can be looked at in three ways. A Dominant/Switch, a submissive/Switch and a split/Switch. The vast majority of Switches fall into the first two of these three groups. The individual will have a primary orientation of either Dominant or submissive and a secondary orientation of the opposite. This means simply that they tend to express the majority of their personality or aspects in either the Dom role or the sub role. Many Switches are lifestyle BDSM people with strong belief's, feelings, hopes, desires and dreams, just like everyone else. Often Switches will live with or be happily married to a D/s partner who may or may not be a Switch. They will spend the 'majority' of their time in their primary orientation and the minority of their time in their secondary orientation.

In many ways coming to grips with or fully understanding the complexities of living as a Switch is perhaps one of the most challenging tasks in all of D/s. Making sense of the confusion coupled to a desire to belong somewhere forces many Switches into choosing one side or the other. There is a tendency to believe that being a Switch means that the individual has avoided 'being' a Dominant or submissive, that they may be weak, afraid or lacking in personal conviction. As if there is a rule somewhere that says you must be totally Dom or sub or you cannot be part of the community. Choosing or naming yourself something that does not fully address your reality is a recipe for future problems and extensive personal grief.

If you attempt to 'force' yourself into 'performing' as just one side or the other then a part of your self will remain unaddressed. Eventually this can lead to bursts of energy release which can be enormously destructive. In some cases the individual may be with a person who believes that their secondary aspect needs to be destroyed. This can lead to language such as 'breaking'. Attempting to rid a submissive/Switch of their Dominant aspect through 'breaking' is fundamentally wrong. Mental and emotional battery designed to destroy a part of another human is absolutely wrong, cruel, non-consensual and most often reveals weakness within the perpetrator than anything else. The need to 'break' someone is usually driven by 'fear' of that aspect.

A Dominant/Switch who attempts to hide or mask their desire and need to occasionally experience the opposite of their Dominant role may actually transfer personal frustration onto the submissive they are with. This can manifest as momentary episodes of lack of control, verbal abuse, emotional abuse and even physical non-consensual abuse or battery.

Maintenance of good mental and physical health are essential in preventing these types of destructive events. This is done through healthy choices. It is all about keeping a balance, addressing all sides and attempting to neglect or ignore nothing. Being honest about your needs is essential.

Switching from one role to another is not simple. In many ways it can feel like moving from bright daylight into total darkness, everything needs to adjust. Adjustment takes time. And, being able to shift back at will doesn't come instinctively or easily for many people. This is especially true if a person has denied freedom for their Switch side for a long time due to attempts to 'fit' into one of the more acceptable roles. In a sense the Switch aspect can fear future denial and attempt to cling on or maintain itself.

Learning how to move easily and comfortably between both roles takes time, a sense of personal understanding, emotional security, and a lack of fear in how either side will be viewed and interacted with by those who are important in the individual's life. Anything which impairs this sense of personal security can make the Switch aspect feel threatened and defensive. It is my personal opinion that all humans have contradictory sides which in most cases they attempt to hide thorough fear of appearing 'weak' or too 'strong'. Failure to be open and honest about these sides leads to secrets, closed communication and feelings of personal frustration. Which can in turn lead to destruction of relationships.

The third type of Switch is a split or neutral Switch. Essentially the individual does not appear to favor either a Dominant or submissive role but can openly and freely enjoy both or express both, also moving between roles with no apparent difficulty. I have found this type of Switch to be far less common. The majority of these types of Switches tend to identify themselves as Top's and bottom's. They prefer to have relationships which are quite similar to standard vanilla relationships in levels of equality and sharing and express their passion for D/s and BDSM almost exclusively in-scene.

There are no right's or wrongs to where you may find yourself within the community. Traditionally Dominant's were trained first as submissives in order to show them through personal experience all aspects of the lifestyle. Moving from one aspect to another is not uncommon and many believe that a full range of experience is the best way to learn about your opposite. Living as a Switch brings with it the full challenges of both sides of the coin. Expect to struggle, expect to change more. Enjoy!