Meeting a prospective partner in real life can be very exciting. Most meetings go very well and the people involved enjoy themselves immensely. Some continue on to form a relationship in real life that may enter into a live in arrangement or even marriage. Some decide that just being friends is best for them. Some find that they are not the least bit compatible and choose not to further the relationship in any manner from that point. No matter the outcome of the meeting, there are some things which people should keep in mind when planning an initial meeting with someone they've only known through the Internet.

First and foremost, you are responsible for your own safety, be you a dominant or a submissive. It is up to you to do the things which you feel are necessary to ensure your safety both physically and emotionally.

Set up a safe call. I will go into more detail on what a safe call is later. These can be very important if you find yourself in a situation that is beyond your capabilities to handle. These can be used by both a dominant or a submissive. They may not be of great help in any legal sense, but can be a deterrent to someone who is bent upon harming the person they are meeting.

Always get as much information about the person as you can. Their real name, their address, phone number, place of employment, whether or not they are married or involved, and such. If a person refuses to divulge this information, this could be a warning sign that something is not right here.

Ask your friends if they know this person and what they think of them. This can provide a fresh perspective of a person. Often one is blinded by being too close to a situation to see it clearly, so getting the opinions of others outside the situation can help point out things a person may miss.

The first meeting should be in a public place and people should know where you are and who you will be meeting. Alcohol should not be consumed as it can cloud one's judgment and make it easier for the person to be taken advantage of. BDSM and alcohol do NOT mix!

Scening or playing on a first meeting is not a real good idea. Though reality wise, many people do play on the first meeting. It is similar to the "one night stand" of vanilla relationships. Some people are only looking for a one night stand and not a committed relationship. Be sure that your desires for the relationship match your prospective partners. If play is a possibility a play list or scene negotiation form should be used.

If play is a possibility, a safe word should be given and used if needed. If the dominant refuses to allow a safe word, the submissive should think real carefully before playing with this person, specially if he/she is new to the lifestyle. If you are not the type of person to have sex with someone you just met, then you probably shouldn't play with someone you just met.

Take your time to get to know the person you want to meet, before you actually meet them. It is very easy to pretend to be something you are not through the Internet. Not everyone is a liar, but some people are. Telephone conversations can help a person to decide whether or not they really want to meet their prospective partner.

Some people may find the following useful in helping them decide whether or not to meet with a prospective partner they have met online. A person could make a list of questions that they would need answered (and the answers which would fit them) and use this list as a an aide in deciding whether or not to meet this person by the answers that have been given. This list can include such items as their real name and address, and more personal information like kink compatibility, BDSM philosophy and whether or not they are involved with someone else. Include in such a list the things which are most important to you, as well as general questions and safety precautions. In this way, a person can gain a fairly well rounded idea of what the other person is truly like.

If the relationship has not moved into a committed one before the meeting, remember you have the right to say no if you truly do not want to do what you are being asked to do. (this goes both ways) Listen to your instincts upon these meetings, both before they are planned, and during the meeting itself. Often, your instincts will be your best guide as to whether or not the meeting should go beyond a friendship type thing. Try not to confuse your wants and desires with your instincts.

Again, most meetings go very well, but there have been some incidences where the meetings did not go well and someone got hurt and/or killed. You are solely responsible for your own safety in these situations. Use common sense and you will find meeting people to be a more pleasurable experience.



Pre-meeting Checklist
Below you will find a check list of items that should be satisfied before a meeting is scheduled with someone you've met online. This list is not meant to be all encompassing but is meant to be used as a guideline for following safety precautions before meeting someone from online. Please feel free to print this page out if you want to. Further, this list is meant to be personalized so that it better fits your specific needs and expectations before a meeting a takes place. All questions should be answered as they apply to you and your prospective partner.

Real name:

Address:

Phone number:

Place of Employment:

Work Number:

Car make, model, year and color:

Currently involved with someone else:
If yes: does that person know about outside activities
If Yes: Can I speak with that person


Is a safe call decided on:
If yes: have they been provided with name of meeting place and times
If yes: Have they been given a good description or picture of the person you are meeting
If Yes: has a word for "help me" been decided on
If yes: has a word for "everything is fine" been decided on
If yes: has a plan of action in case of a problem been worked out

Has a safe-word been issued:

Will play be expected:
If yes: what types of play
if yes: what limits will apply

What kinds of play are you willing to participate in:

Have safe sex practices been discussed:

Will condoms be used:

Has a play list been exchanged:

Has a scene negotiation form been exchanged:

How do they view submission/domination:

How do they view the opposite gender

Do they prefer a submissive, slave or bottom

Do they prefer a dominant or a top

Will pain play be expected

what is expected of the sub/Dom/me

Has health been discussed
if yes: any health concerns
if yes: any specific medical conditions to be worried about

How much experience does the person have:

What is the person's favorite color:

Are they open about their real lives and experiences:

Do they willingly provide answers to questions

Do they support any efforts to seek more information

Do they want a relationship or just a play partner:

Have they had prior Dom/mes or subs:

How do they handle punishment:

What do they consider to be abusive:

What do they consider to be consent:

What ways are they providing for their own safety and yours:


Some Signs Of Abuse and Abusers

Some of the things which take place in a BDSM relationship can be easily confused and mistaken for acts of abuse. It is often difficult to discern the difference between a dominant and an abuser in a lifestyle which is so varied and contains many different ways of living it. But, there are a few things which can help a person to decide if the person they are going to meet is an abusive person.

A person who becomes possessive of someone they hardly know could very well be an abusive person. This possession may not be very overt or it might be extremely overt. from this feeling of possessing someone comes a few tactics that abusers use to keep their "possession".


First there is isolating someone. Preventing someone from speaking with other people, meeting with other people, or in any way interacting with others. Most abusers isolate their victims because it is then easier to keep the victim in control. Such isolation will foster a sense that the person has no where to turn and no way out. Once isolation is completed, the victim is then in a position where they will more readily believe they deserve whatever comes next and they can't escape it. Healthy people involved in BDSM will not isolate their partners.

Second comes the degeneration of the victim's self esteem. This is usually started in subtle ways, but increases in frequency and intensity as time goes on. Belittling the victim over and over creates a mindset in the victim of they deserve it and they can't escape it.

Other signs of a possible abuser is a person that goes too far at a first meeting or completely disregards any and all limits the sub may place on the meeting. Also, a person that refuses to accept limits or safe words in a new relationship could very well be someone that is not completely honorable and may be abusive.

It is important to determine your prospective partners view of the opposite sex. One who views all members of the opposite sex in an extremely derogatory manner may have a problem.

These are the signs of what some people consider to be an abusive person and are things which you should be on the lookout for when discussing meeting people from online. They apply equally to Dom/me or sub and male or female. Again, you are responsible for your own safety so better to be safe than sorry.


What Are Red Flags?

A red flag is an internal warning that something is not right here. This is the words many in BDSM use to describe a feeling that something is wrong, or a thought that something isn't right here. Red flags vary for person to person, though there are some which seem to be believed by the majority of people in my experience. For many, the term applies to warning signals of an abusive person.

A red flag should be something that you feel is not right for you. If you hate the idea of golden showers and a person insists on them, then you should experience a "red flag" or feeling of something isn't right here. Some of the general read flags are as follows.

A person refuses to give personal information about themselves yet insists on meeting you anyway. This should raise a red flag because it could signify someone that is not honest, and could potentially be dangerous.

A person stating that they will do absolutely anything you want even without ever having seen your face. This could be a person that has a self esteem or other psychological/emotional problem that prevents them from protecting themselves and could lead to false accusations of abuse or rape.

A person refusing to give their marital status before a meeting could be someone that is cheating on their spouse or otherwise dishonest.

A person that insists a safe word is not necessary under any circumstances should raise a red flag. A safe word, specially in new relationships, is an important thing to have.

A person that refuses to allow you a safe call should raise a red flag. This person is ignoring your safety and could very well be dangerous.

A person who insists that a scene must take place on an initial meeting could be someone that is only interested in sex, and possibly dangerous.

Using your common sense is your best defense against finding yourself in trouble. If you feel or have "red flags" going off about a person, do not meet them until those red flags have been addressed to your satisfaction. They may be nothing more than personal fears, or they could very well signify a real dangerous person. Red Flags come from your instincts, trust them.


What Is D/s?
D/s stands for Domination and submission. It is a relationship between two people that includes what is known as a power exchange. The submissive consensually grants the dominant the authority to exert control over him/her. It is a mutual relationship. It is based on trust and commitment. The necessities of such a relationship are communication, trust, respect, knowledge, awareness of self, and ideally love. It is a very complex and varied lifestyle, with each relationship differing from another.

Communication is a major key in a successful D/s relationship. The people involved must be able to talk with each other openly and share their thoughts, feelings, ideas and fantasies. This type of communication is difficult to achieve and requires work to maintain. But without it, the relationship will not survive. The goals of both participants is the pleasure of the other. Neither participant can meet that goal if they do not know what pleases the other participant. Communication can take many forms, bedtime snuggle talk, notes, letters, even stories can relate your needs, and emotions to your partner. The important thing is to talk with each other, honestly and in an open manner.

Trust is another major key in a successful D/s relationship. Trust is earned, not forced. And it must go both ways. the submissive must trust the dominant with their very life. Trust is earned by the behavior of both participants. Open communication and honesty help to build the trust within the relationship. Respecting the limits of your partner will build trust. Accepting all aspects of your partners personality will also build the trust. Within life trust is a tenuous thing, within D/s it is even more so. It is easy to break the trust in a D/s relationship, and very hard to repair it.

The participants within a D/s relationship need to respect each other. Their partner's needs, wants, fears, doubts, achievements and abilities should all be respected. Respect is another earned aspect of D/s. Your actions will dictate whether or not you are deserving of the respect given within a D/s relationship.

The participants in a D/s relationship should have at least a basic knowledge of what they are doing. Of what the outcomes of their actions could be. How to use the various toys and equipment associated with the lifestyle. A basic knowledge of the emotional needs within the relationship. and a good working knowledge of each other. It takes time to know that much about D/s, and each other. Take the time to learn as much as you can and your relationship will work better.

those within D/s should have at least a basic awareness of themselves. By this I mean a person should know what is in themselves. Know their own personal needs and limits before they can make the informed choice of whether or not to submit, or whether or not they have what it takes to be a dominant. This is a long process and takes some time to accomplish, though it never is finished. They should also be aware that despite the close bond which forms in such a relationship, that they are in fact individuals also. The people in the relationship should never forget that they are indeed people, and should give room for human error. Everyone is human and no human is perfect. Expecting perfection is the easiest way to be disappointed.

Ideally a D/s relationship should include love. Though this is not a necessity for a satisfying relationship, it does strengthen the bond between the two people. From experience I have learned just how close a D/s relationship becomes. With enough time, patience and communication, there is literally no secrets left. Love itself is hard to define and each person has their own definition, to me it is an emotional bond between two people. There are varying degrees of love, my opinion is such that ideally in D/s, unconditional love should be present. It makes the relationship so much more emotionally satisfying when love is present.