Such a relationship is indeed a very complex one. The exchange of power from one person to another can be a frightening thing to think about. There are varying levels of such exchange of power. ranging from those who play every once in a while, to those who mutually consent to a slave arrangement and give total control to another. What each person, no matter their level of involvement, should also remember is to respect their partners limits. those within the lifestyle should be tolerant of the differences between their relationship and another's. There are no set rules for what constitutes a "proper" D/s relationship. And those of us who are within the lifestyle should accept this fact. I believe that so long as the participants are happy and each person's needs are met consensually, then the particulars do not matter.

Dominance and Submission Rules
Note: when referred to Dom it means Dom/me

In order for any venture to be successful, there must be basic guidelines. I understand that every couple is different, and no two D/s relationships are the same. Nevertheless, basic agreements exists, or else you go outside the boundaries of what is considered a D/s relationship. Every couple will have their own set of agreements, however, I feel there are some that are universal.

1. No actual injury should occur to the sub. That does not suggest that spankings, discipline and correction do not occur, they just are not calculated to produce real injury, either to body or mind. In D/s, pain is sometimes used to correct behavior, or as a pleasurable experience depending on the people involved. It is not the central focus of the relationship
2. Pre-agreed limits. It is simply an agreement on what the Dom and sub will and will not do. These limits are different for all couples. A pre-agreed limit is simply the boundaries established by the relationship. As an example, some couples put a limit on other people joining them for a scene. It is important to discuss honestly with each other what your personal limits are before beginning a D/s relationship. These are lines that are not crossed without at least some discussion beforehand. These boundaries do change with time as the relationship progresses
3. The sub should have a "safe-word", or something they can say to halt the present time activity. The safe-word is a word that is understood by both parties to mean that action needs to stop. It could be that the sub is in great pain, or the Dom wants to clarify a situation outside of the action he is engaged in. Usually, it is that a line is being crossed that was not discussed in the pre-agreed limits, but just now came up. D/s is supposed to be enjoyed by both parties. Limits and safe-words are type of guarantee that things don't get out of control on either side. If the couple are in the middle of a caning, and the sub is having a problem with the situation, the safe-word is used to stop the action. When the safe-word is spoken, the action must stop at that moment. This will allow the Dom and sub to discuss what the problem is, or correct a painful or dangerous situation outside the "scene"

Communication between the Dom and sub is crucial to a successful D/s relationship. The sub must be willing to talk about their feelings and the Dom must be receptive. The Dom also must be conscious of the non-verbal cues the sub gives. For a satisfying D/s relationship, it helps to have an underlying affinity for the other partner. The Dom is attempting to perfect their sub to their ideal of what the sub should be. The sub must want that goal, too. If either of these points do not exist, the D/s can degrade into an abusive relationship, or the partners go off, dissatisfied. D/s is for the mutual enjoyment of both partners. Limits and safe-words assist in ensuring both parties experience pleasure, and neither gives up all control.

Over time the use of safe-words and limits may diminish, however many couples in a long term relationship still use them.


We call ourselves a community. Within that community we stand uneasily in the company of others of our kind. There is an awareness of presence, that within those we associate with something outside of what is considered normal exists. That abnormality has lain across our own shoulders for the entirety of our lives, reminding us that we have never quite fit into the acceptable patterns of society.

It would be easy to call ourselves a community of outcasts, except this would be a mistake. While we are not wholly 'like' the majority of the society that surrounds us we are indelibly a part of it. In seeking to understand ourselves we sometimes create groups of separation, claiming apartness. Yet, we are the community of man, we stand not on the 'edge' of mankind but within the very 'center' of mankind.

Perhaps the defining marker of a member of this inner community is his or her discomfort and unwillingness to accept the overt rule and controls imposed by external governing bodies such as governments, religions or anyone attempting to dictate and control their personal belief's and actions. There is also an ability to step across that line, to take action. Fear keeps the majority of humankind under control. Fear of retribution. Fear of punishment. Fear of being cast out. If you remove the element of fear from a person then that person instantly becomes dangerous for they are immediately capable of independent action. Independence is the removal of control.

Facing the tools of control is what this inner community we call BDSM does. We actively seek out and grasp the very things which are supposed to control us. Many of us limit our viewpoint of BDSM to its sexual gratification image, this too is a mistake. By actively seeking to become a part of any community you identify yourself within the whole of it's meaning. If you ignore this then the lessons of history will turn on you and devour you. This is no different than becoming associated with any group that any other group finds distasteful, uncomfortable or frightening. Being a minority means that at any point the larger community can become frightened enough to turn on those they cannot control and attempt to destroy them.

So who are we to step into the ring of fire and face the demon's within? Why do we seek these things out? Why do we need them? What are we and who are we? Who is the maverick? The risk taker? The answer is simple enough. It is the Dominant. That person willing to face the tiger, willing to face their own terror and pain.

We walk among each other with masked anonymous faces, hiding our identity from most. Many people walk among us, some are like us and some only see the exposed visual displays missing entirely the potentials and depths. We note those that 'feel' like us and nod passively to those we know instinctively are visiting. We are not an inner society of outcasts or rejects. If you manage to look under the mask you are more likely to find the cool, calm, direct eyes of a powerhouse intellect. The predatory evaluation of the roaming beast. Always watching. Always thinking. There is an element of detached emotional response. Seldom will you find a Dominant that is driven to easy response or raging temper. Outbursts of violent emotion are an indicator of flaw, weakness. The Dominant knows that control is fundamental survival.

If you want to top your world or realm then you must be able to take action through thought and not impulse. If you look far enough under the mask you will find the unmistakable identity of those within this community. That identity can be seen in the litany of names that march backward behind each of us into history. Most of us ignore our lineage beyond the third generation. Few of us know or care where we came from. Yet, this is the blood we carry in our bodies. That blood is the condensed experiences of all who have come before us. Every minute mutation is there. That blood made us who we are. Our tendencies are the culmination of thousands of years of breeding. Selective breeding.

Within the registry you will find the evidence of identity. Dominant's breed Dominant's. Like to like. Strength to strength. The secrets lay within the DNA itself, sometimes dormant for generations...until one child is born with the correct combination of genes. Then the beast rises to look outward and see what is within the reach and grasp of it's mind.

This constant inbreeding across countless centuries strengthens peculiar mutations. Nature has a tendency to combine things that work, patterns or habits of success. Adaptation to overcome! It is within these mutations that our identity lingers. It is a simple fact that Dominant's and submissives come from families of Dominant's and submissives. The traits will be stronger within the lines of the most successful of these historically. The traits will be weaker within lines of those who carry only the occasional Dominant in the hereditary line.

We have forgotten who we are...


WHERE IS THE SEX?

Have you wondered where the intense explosive sexual experience is? It appears we have been robbed! The Puritan's have landed right smack dab in the middle of downtown BDSM'ville. Here they come handing out chastity pamphlets and celibacy badges which proclaim the beneficial attributes of sexual abstinence and deprivation. They have found the rule-book you see, the one some fool left resting next to the dumpster out back of the club. The book has the answer, the way to strip away the rampant beastly monster of sexuality, polish up the lifestyle into something downright presentable to your pious Mother. They hurriedly ran millions of copies of 'The Book' and race out into the community joyous and exultant to pass these gems out to every passerby. BDSM you see, isn't really so bad, the misfits dressing up in black leather were just playing dress up like kids in a school play, those whips and chains oh those are really no problem, discipline is a wonderful thing, look how bad the world has become without such necessary discipline, the really important thing is that it is all about power exchange, and not about sex. See, it says it right here, in this passage I have highlighted especial for you, "BDSM scening is not about sex".

Now if you come to me and ask me "where is the sex?" I can tell you that BDSM is really not about sex, it is about service and submission and then I shake my head and chastise you that your hard-on or drippy pussy is a travesty, disrespectful of the dignity of true believers. I will point out to you the passage that states, only newbies think BDSM is about great sex, once you are 'IN', privy to the hidden secrets then you will know that sex isn't really important, in fact, the removal of sex from scening is the ultimate in BDSM, the pinnacle experience. It is all about the exchange. So, newbie, you have to get in there and study really hard until your sex drive wilts and shrivels into nice correct and proper dysfunction. You have to keep the whips and paddles in their proper place and not get them all mixed up with sex. After all, I repeat, The Book clearly says, BDSM scening is not about sex.