With Knowledge, We Grow.


We enter this world with nothing: no hate, no fear, no prejudice, no cares or worries, and no hidden demons. Only as we experience life do these things become part of us.

We should aspire to keep them at bay, and to be better today than we were yesterday. The spine which should support us all should consist of love, of self-control, of trust, respect, and of course, honesty.

Without these things we are nothing. Through our experience we learn to choose whether we will be good, or bad, and those choices are reflected in how others see us.

Make those choices wisely, for if you do, you will be loved by others, and comfortable in yourself.

Do not judge, for others may judge you the same. Have an open mind, and a gentle demeanor, for in all things the good in you will shine through, as long as you let it.

Do not pretend to be something you are not. If others cannot accept you for who you really are, they may not be worthy of knowing you anyway.

With Knowledge, We Grow. Live this way and at the right time you may leave this existence at peace with yourself, and the rest of the world.




The Awakening


For all of us, discovery of the lifestyle and our “awakening” , only leads to more questions. For some, the first question may be….”What am I, Dom/me or sub?”. This can be a troubling question, for it defines who and what we are. It is the label we choose for ourselves, and although the discovery of the lifestyle may speak to newly found needs, the question may remain as to which role, Dominant or submissive, that is right for you.

In seeking that answer, I find two potential bumps in the road. First is that the feeling of excitement at discovering the lifestyle may become overwhelming, and we may feel the desire to make hasty, uninformed decisions. The truth of the matter is that the answer has already been determined. You are what you are. Always have been. The journey you’re on now is one of self-discovery. Looking within yourself to find the answers that only you possess.

Finding answers implies having questions. And you can ask yourself many questions about what you see and learn about. About what interests you, what excites you, and even what turns you off. Additionally, people you meet that may be knowledgeable in the lifestyle may help in asking the questions to which you can find answers.

And that brings Me to the second bump in the road as you determine who and what you are. Please, don’t fall prey to those that TELL you what you are. A common theme on this website will be the fact that it is your life. It’s personal and unique to you. Don’t let others live it for you. Find your own answers, that work for you as an individual.

The most common falsehood is fed to submissives that are “spirited”, independent and opinionated. I hope not to be the first to tell you that those qualities do NOT make one a Dominant, or preclude one from being submissive. That is just you, as an individual. And the person telling you that those qualities are not “submissive” qualities is simply expressing their personal taste in the qualities they find attractive in a submissive.

It simply reinforces the need for strong communication, for sharing and questioning, before finding a partner. Finding someone that values and seeks the qualities you possess is called compatibility. Compatibility in needs, desires, lifestyle, and personality. One Dominant may desire a submissive that is meek and mild. The next may value independence and a strong spirit.

The trick is to be yourself. Know yourself. There will be someone that values you for you.



Creating Something From Nothing

I'm going to write in a manner that I'm unaccustomed to. It may seem as though I'm getting up on my soapbox, and perhaps I am just a bit. But it's not for any purpose of self glorification. It's a genuine effort to help those that may feel a bit lost in the lifestyle. Or those that are new to it, and may feel a bit overwhelmed.

What I'm about to share is not some proclamation that is "the" only way to create or live the lifestyle. It's just one of many ways. But I'm sharing it in this manner because I see the same questions asked repetitively, and I realize that even "one" way is better than no way. I hear so many people feeling as though they're operating in a huge void. They've read, discussed and learned much about the lifestyle, but still are uncertain about how to put all that information in a cohesive form that they can live. Thinking about it, learning about it, and talking about it are not the same as living it. And it's that transition to living it that seems to have a lot of people stumped.

Growth within the lifestyle for either Dominants or submissives is a journey. We all recognize and accept that. But it seems to Me that for many of us when we're new to the lifestyle, what we seek is not merely growth, but a direction in which to grow. We seek not simply the journey, but an actual destination. And that can't be found in any articles, or community or website. The only place you'll find the direction you need to grow in, and your destination, is within yourself.

The freedom inherent to the lifestyle is a double edged sword that cuts two ways. It's liberating in that we can practice the lifestyle in whatever manner we find most personally pleasing, so long as it's Safe, Sane and Consensual. But it's also potentially confusing, because we can easily become overwhelmed with all the choices that such freedom implies. It's almost like trying to create something out of nothing.

And while it's generally accepted that the lifestyle is a journey, too often it's forgotten that the journey is, above all else, one of self discovery. Of discovering and knowing those things that we enjoy personally, in order to create that something out of nothing. It may seem comforting to think that the discovery has already been made by someone else, and we can simply read about it and follow their path in life. But the fact is that my path, or anyone else's path, has no relevance to the path that is right for you. Experiences in our lives, and relationships we've had, teach us precisely that same thing. That the path others may want us to follow is an expression of their personal preferences, and does not often reflect our own.

The answers we seek will not be found in any of my writings. Nor in this website or in Castle-realm. Nor anywhere else other than within ourselves. Only you know what it is that you want in life. Only you know who you want to be. Only you know what you find pleasing and fulfilling in a Master or submissive and in a relationship. And only your answers to those questions have any bearing on your life and happiness.

I know that creating something out of nothing is difficult. I've had to do it myself. We all do at one point or another. And that's why I've written a series on "Knowing Ourselves, Finding Our One" that can be found on this site. It includes the use of a BDSM checklist, and a "List of Expectations". This is more than just some drivel about the lifestyle. This is a framework to help you discover what it is that you want and need in this lifestyle in order to be happy and fulfilled. Those exercises are the framework for aiding you on your journey of self discovery. They don't give you the answers, they just help you find them within yourself and then catalog them in a way that creates something out of nothing.

Reading those articles won't help a bit unless you actually take the time to complete the exercises. It's in the actual exercise itself that you find the answers you're looking for. And all those answers come from within you.

Once you have the answers you've created a model of what it is you're seeking in both a One and in a relationship with your One. Now you've created something. Now you have something real and complete to work with. And all of it expresses what you want and need to be happy and fulfilled. Now you don't have to rely upon someone else to tell you what you need. Because as we all find out sooner or later, what they are telling us is ultimately what THEY need and has no bearing at all on what we need.

Do the exercises. Complete them, don't just think about them. You'll find that you're much further ahead than you give yourself credit for. It'll take some work and some time on your part to do them. But if it's not worth that time and effort, what does it say about the value you place on your personal happiness and fulfillment?



Knowing Ourselves, Finding Our One

Sooner or later, you will want to find someone that shares your interest in a D/s lifestyle in a romantic way. This can take a variety of forms. You may:

Choose to find someone for online, for an online only relationship. This is generally considered a “safe” introduction to the D/s lifestyle. My only caution is that while it may prove physically safe, the emotional dangers of becoming attached to a “player” are just as real. Be careful.
Choose to find someone online with the idea of going RL. This is a real crapshoot. Be prepared to kiss a lot of frogs. Despite the fact that you have found a group of people that share your interest in the lifestyle, your chances of finding your One are no better or worse than in RL. Imagine walking into a bar, and thinking that you have to choose amongst the regulars there. It’s much the same online. If by chance you do meet someone that you wish to meet in RL, do so safely. Read the section on “Meeting Safely in RL”.

Choose to attend some local munches and gatherings in order to meet others in your area that are RL. If you choose to do so, I recommend that you go with a friend for safety’s sake. You’ll also feel more comfortable. Find some local munches in your area under the “Links To Online Educational Sources” section.
No matter the course you choose, always keep safety foremost in your mind. Now that you’ve decided to take this step, there are several things you need to do in order to prepare yourself. The following sections focus on your preparation and search for your One. There’s some work involved, but I strongly recommend that you not cut corners. If it isn’t worth a little effort on your part in order to do it right, maybe it’s just not worth it at all.

Our search for our One always begins within ourselves. We have to know who we are, what we enjoy, and what our needs and desires are. It’s the only way to know what truly makes us happy, and then to recognize those qualities when they manifest themselves in that special someone.

This takes a little time, and personal introspection. And it can’t be rushed. So though the temptation may be great, don’t leap ahead and skip any steps. It would be the equivalent of preparing for a test on a book, after having only read the final chapter. There’s just too much that happens between the introduction, and conclusion.

Then, having found our One, this preparation will enable us to effectively communicate our needs. Remember, your partner is not a mind reader. You have to be prepared to tell them what you like and need, both in a relationship and a partner.

We’re going to cover two major topics in this section:

The BDSM Checklist and A List Of Expectations

The first step in knowing ourselves shall be in knowing which BDSM activities we enjoy, or think we may enjoy. You may not have enough experience to know for sure, but you’ll know whether the activity is something you’d be interested in trying or if it is a hard limit.


Preparing this list gives you a pretty good idea of what to look for in a partner as far as activities and interests go. You should insist upon a completed list from anyone you might be interested in, and then review them together to see how compatible you are. If the lists are pretty similar, negotiate the areas where they differ. If the lists are substantially different, you might want to consider a partner that would be more compatible with your activity interests.


BDSM CHECKLIST

How To Use The Checklist:

Enter a “yes” for each activity that you have experienced before, and a “no” for those you have not. Then, rate each activity, including those you have not experienced before, according to your level of interest. Use a scale of zero (0) to five (5), a zero (0) indicating you have no interest in that activity and a five (5) indicating that you either LOVE it or at least the thought of it. Enter a “NO” for any activity that you will not consider, under any circumstances. A “NO” shall be considered a hard limit.

Note: Due to MSN size restrictions on postings, the checklist can not be reproduced here. I suggest that you use the following:

BDSM Checklist
Also The Castle Realm has an interactive BDSM Checklist which may be completed and emailed to a potential partner. Or simply complete it and email it to yourself for safekeeping, updating it frequently.

LIST OF EXPECTATIONS

A "List of Expectations" is list of what you expect from a relationship and a partner. What you need to be happy and healthy. As with every other aspect of this highly personalized lifestyle we call D/s, your list will be unique to you.

To prepare a list of expectations takes some time. Don’t feel as though you’ll complete this in a day or week, or even a month. You may be finding things to add to your list many months down the road. And it’s important to review it periodically, to add those things that you’ve newly discovered about yourself.


The first step in preparing a list of expectations is in understanding the difference between a "need" and a "want" or desire. A need is something you can not do without. A want or desire is something that you may enjoy a lot, but could live without if you had to. In order to illustrate, let’s use the analogy of buying a car, something most of us have done.


When you buy a car, you have a list of certain things that car must have. An engine, tires, a windshield. Those things are needs. They’re non-negotiable. Without them, you will not buy that car. Now that may seem pretty cut and dry on the surface. But take a moment and think of the next level of options.


Is air conditioning a need? If you live in Texas or Florida or Arizona it is. But for those in North Dakota or Maine, it may be a want. Something that can be negotiated, something they can do without. How about bucket seats? If you have a bad back they’re a necessity, a need. You see, needs are very personal. What is a need for you may not be a need for me and vice versa.


The exercise here, then, is to find and list your needs and wants in two areas. In a person that would be your partner, and in a relationship. Use the chart you develop as a kind of checklist as you get to know a potential partner. I don’t suggest sharing this list with a partner while you are learning about one another, as some have a tendency to "become" or project what you are looking for. That may not show you their true nature.


Use the list to ask questions that reveal whether or not your potential partner meets your needs. And above all else, be true to them. A need that is left unmet by a partner or in a relationship is a recipe for disaster, and sure failure. Even one need that remains unfulfilled will doom a relationship, because a need is a necessity. Sure, you may be able to ignore it for a while. But in the end, you can’t do without it.


The divorce rate in America tops 50 % precisely because people ignore needs in favor of a pretty face or robust bank account. If more people took the time to inventory their needs, and stay true to them, there would be a lot more smiles going around.


A Sample List of Expectations Form


Set your list of expectations up as a "t-chart". Down one side list your needs in a partner. Down the other side, your wants. Those needs are your non-negotiable things you seek in a partner. The wants are things you may really like, but can do without.

Non-Negotiable Needs In A Partner ---- Negotiable Wants In A Partner


Prepare a second "t-chart" in exactly the same manner. Down one side will be your non-negotiable needs in a relationship. The other side will be your negotiable wants.

Non Negotiable Needs In A Relationship ---- Negotiable Wants In A Relationship

Remember to use your list of expectations in two ways. First, as a checklist to determine who meets your needs as a partner and in a relationship. And then as a framework for communication, for expressing those needs.