Might I offer a vote in favor of powering down your cell phone and reading smut?

I scanned a few of the fibromyalgia forums and blogs today on the issue of fibro and orgasm. There were several long and interesting posts that indict one of the meds as "a real orgasm killer" and reflect on the difficulties of cumming when your body aches. At the same time they note that the trio of chemicals released during arousal and climax (dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin) are powerful tools for helping you relax, de-stress and block pain. So you're right to be open with your doctors about the challenge you're dealing with and they're right to try to alter the balance of meds and to reduce dosages until you find the lowest effective level.

That deals with the medical or physical contributors to anorgasmia. The psychological ones might be more fun to address. There's a psychological concept called "negative sexual self-schema," which comes down to the conviction that you shouldn't enjoy, much less pursue, sex. Girls who learn early on that sex is dirty, that it's a holy obligation attendant only to procreation, that they need to be passive and shouldn't ever talk about "such things," can end up internalizing an unhealthy view of a healthy activity. Having those views reinforced by abusive relationships (a/k/a assholes) makes it harder to imagine enjoying your body and its potential.

One of the healthiest uses of smut (okay, "erotica" if you want to be all prissy about it) is that it helps you construct a world in which sex is good and in which you have a right to revel in your own sexuality. My guess is that if you get to the point where you feel good about the prospect of touching yourself, your brain might begin finding ways around some of the other challenges. To achieve that goal, three things need to happen:

1. you need to find smut that calls to you. I'd probably not recommend readings that stress violence but could imagine you enjoying themes of submission, slavery, captivity and such. But then I'm not a sub, much less a female one, so that might be a silly stereotype. If I were you, I'd issue a challenge to my sisters to nominate the hottest stories they read so that you might create a winter reading list.

2. you need to get lost in it. This is the "power down the cell" part. Getting lost in a story, becoming part of the story, is a powerful experience but it requires the ability to devote yourself to it. An obsessive connection to cell phones cultivates what's called a state of "continuous partial attention," your brain is always half-listening for incoming texts or nagging at your to check Facebook. If you want to get to a state where smut helps, you also want a state where you're more obsessive about getting back to your story than about surfing. Find long stories, novels or trilogies or series, and set aside a sacred time each day to devote to them; time when you've decided the outside is not welcome.

3. you need to allow casual stimulation while reading - stroking yourself but not in conscious pursuit of orgasm - as a fine part of the experience. That's a simple matter of reinforcement and rewiring. Good stories get linked with good physical sensations and both get linked with a happier mental space. You don't need to cum, you need to experience pleasure.

It's not that simple. Nothing's that simple. I know. But all positive change begins with a single step and the realization that you can take another step after that and then another.

As ever,

S.