The Perfect Dom

[Logic1]

excellent topic Tojo

I know I make mistakes so therefore I am not perfect.
I do however feel confident in who I am and what I can do. That doesnt mean i am perfect or anywhere near it.
Nobody or nothing is perfect. There is no perfect dog or Master or Slave or car or rollercoaster. There can be somebody who is perfect for you at a specific point in time but that changes just like us people do. Our interests and behavior one day might not be the same the next week.
Perfect is an illusion.

[Whippett]

excellent topic Tojo

I know I make mistakes so therefore I am not perfect.
I do however feel confident in who I am and what I can do. That doesnt mean i am perfect or anywhere near it.
Nobody or nothing is perfect. There is no perfect dog or Master or Slave or car or rollercoaster. There can be somebody who is perfect for you at a specific point in time but that changes just like us people do. Our interests and behavior one day might not be the same the next week.
Perfect is an illusion.

Lol - I agree in everything except one thing Logic1 - there IS a perfect car - a 1927 Bugatti roadster lmao

[Logic1]

Lol - I agree in everything except one thing Logic1 - there IS a perfect car - a 1927 Bugatti roadster lmao

Lol
You know I kinda agree cause that is one beautiful car but that is not the same as perfect. If you wanna show off in the city sure but if you wanna haul some stuff in it or have a car that you can rely on then that sure isnt the right car

[tessa]

Perfect Dom?? ~laughs and laughs and laughs~

Just couldn't resist.

Perfect anything- bah. The fragility of our soulful humanity is what makes each of us unique and precious.

That and fingerprints...

[TomOfSweden]

Perfect Dom?? ~laughs and laughs and laughs~

Just couldn't resist.

Perfect anything- bah. The fragility of our soulful humanity is what makes each of us unique and precious.

That and fingerprints...

Don't forget toes. We have unique prints on our toes to. They're always distressingly discriminated against in these matters.

[TomOfSweden]

Do we need to be perfect? Should we be able to accept criticism and admit that we make mistakes?

Frankly, I see being unable to admit you’re ever wrong, and the inability to accept criticism or be questioned, as character defects that a Dom in particular could do without.

I suspect this is a generation thing. My fathers generation aspired to be perfect. Mine doesn't. I certainly don't. I just do my best and hope I learn along the way.

Also I think that even if I hypothetically might at one point know everything I'd still fuck it up. "Perfection" is relative and shifts a lot depending on who does the observing. It's just one of those philosophical terms which people use as if they had a universally accepted concrete meaning, when they don't. Talking about abstractions is always very difficult. People will always load them with their own connotations. It's hard not to.

[jeanne]

I'm with blizz - my Dom is perfect...for me. I adore Him the most when something doesn't go quite the way He planned and He laughs and says things like "well, that was a lot better in theory". It makes Him even easier to trust, and me even more willing to give Him everything He wants.

Oh! Something else - when He asks my advice because He says I know more about something than He...I just mentally fall at His feet. In the best way possible.

[Tojo]

I suspect this is a generation thing. My fathers generation aspired to be perfect. Mine doesn't. I certainly don't. I just do my best and hope I learn along the way.

Also I think that even if I hypothetically might at one point know everything I'd still fuck it up. "Perfection" is relative and shifts a lot depending on who does the observing. It's just one of those philosophical terms which people use as if they had a universally accepted concrete meaning, when they don't. Talking about abstractions is always very difficult. People will always load them with their own connotations. It's hard not to.

Yep, a very good point, the generation thing. My old man always had to be 'right' no matter what. I don't ever remember him admitting to getting something wrong until he hit his late sixties, & then it was rare.

Perhaps that's why it bugs me when I see people who refuse to admit they EVER could be wrong- I know how hard that is for the unitiated to live up to.

Whippett- no car is perfect, if they were they'd have two wheels & handlbars.

[Ozme52]

Whippett- no car is perfect, if they were they'd have two wheels & handlbars.

You got that right!!

[bellelapine]

I think the perfection comes into play when a Dom/me realizes their humanity. That's just it, they are human and you can only strive to be perfect. Does it mean you are or will be? No. But the fact that the subs see the changes the Dom/me makes for/because of them, it does wonders for a relationship.
If you happen to be a newbie sometimes it's still nice to see how much your Dom/me does and is willing to do for you as a sub. Many play Dom/mes do see subs as either an easy lay...a target so to speak for their own selfish ends. Not saying good Dom/mes aren't selfish, after all why would they want/need a sub if they weren't in some way. But the key part is that the play dom/mes will break the will and often heart of a submissive. Making someone 'worthless' in their own eyes is a breaking of the human spirit, and I've seen and heard of it happening.
These are the cases, which I believe Ashton pointed out, in which a sub will blame themselves for it not being perfect. Submissive doesn't mean stupid, but so many subs come in expecting that they can not even make suggestions or "stand up" intellectually to their Masters (masters as the case may be) that the first time one does it they instantly expect to be dropped to the side like yesterday's newspaper.
I think in the relationship realm it's a give and take. The Dom/me gives the submissive everything they need in order to 1. remain as a submissive 2. desire to be a submissive 3. wish to earn their place as that Dom/me's sub. While in direct relation to that a submissive gives their Dom/me 1. servitude 2.loyalty (a sub is a friend/listener/wall to bounce things off of) 3. companionship. My Sir smiles in a way...I've never seen many smile when He reaches down His hand to stroke me. I could have been quiet for minutes (hours is stretching it for me) but the fact that He knows I'm there and I will be there, is a release for Him.
To me D/s and BDSM isn't just about how well He hits me or how many times I get off from spanking or how many times Sir gets head/orgasms or whatever He demands. It's about trust...when you know someone well enough, trust them enough, and love them in the way that often we come to love our Dom/mes then that relationship is perfect.

[Ozme52]

I often think new people can get the wrong impression from sites such as this, for the simple reason that some Doms- often the most vocal ones, seem compelled to create an impression of unquestionable perfection.

From memory, it was Isabelle who came up with the line ‘I couldn’t respect a Dom who lacked humility’

Do we need to be perfect? Should we be able to accept criticism and admit that we make mistakes?

Frankly, I see being unable to admit you’re ever wrong, and the inability to accept criticism or be questioned, as character defects that a Dom in particular could do without.

I've been offline for 4 days... if I'm rehashing what others say it's not by intent.

There's a huge difference between someone boasting "unquestionable perfection" and someone who is just "supremely confident." But being able to readily tell the difference between the two can be challenging.

Ultimately, imo, subs want the latter. It makes them feel safe where the former might do just the opposite. Accepting that one can make mistakes and improve is part of it... but, being one of the supremely confident you'd have to have a pretty convincing arguement that I'm mistaken. I won't just take someone's word for it.

As far as humility is concerned... yes, maybe, if you think a D/s relationship should be sub-centric, but in one that is dom-centric, isn't humility more appropriately within the sub's domain?

Humility is the state of being humble (meriam-webster)
Humble is:

1: not proud or haughty : not arrogant or assertive
2: reflecting, expressing, or offered in a spirit of deference or submission <a humble apology>
3 a: ranking low in a hierarchy or scale : insignificant, unpretentious b: not costly or luxurious <a humble contraption>

By that definition, you can't be humble and be dominant. Unless you want to use different definitions or pick and choose which parts of the definition you mean.

[Euryleia]

<snip> As far as humility is concerned... yes, maybe, if you think a D/s relationship should be sub-centric, but in one that is dom-centric, isn't humility more appropriately within the sub's domain?

Humility is the state of being humble (meriam-webster)
Humble is:
1: not proud or haughty : not arrogant or assertive
2: reflecting, expressing, or offered in a spirit of deference or submission <a humble apology>
3 a: ranking low in a hierarchy or scale : insignificant, unpretentious b: not costly or luxurious <a humble contraption>

By that definition, you can't be humble and be dominant. Unless you want to use different definitions or pick and choose which parts of the definition you mean.

I think most of us were using humility as lacking in false pride. There is nothing wrong with having a firm belief in your own skills and abilities. The problem is arrogantly thinking that you know it all and that you have nothing left to learn. Even in a dom-centric relationship: "Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall." (Proverbs 16:18)

[blueberry]

we all make mistakes... but everyone should always work on improving themselves, especially the art of understanding and forgiving
that goes for all areas of life

just my2cents

[Guest 092208]

Every Master was first a Disaster

This is one of my favorite saying and I think it is very true, it was and still is for me. I am a disaster but thats OK I think because I am learning to Master.

I think many have posted some good replies to Tojo with regard to Masters or Mistresses or Dom/Dommes not being perfect, being overally arrogant rather than just self-confident all this is true, but it can also be true for submissives and others.

What I think is perhaps not discussed so much is how to deal with the disaster on both sides of the equation when they occur, secondly I feel to often posted views reflect a unreal utopian political correctness which causes valid discussion and views from being explored of course you can list the ideal characteristics of a Dom or a sub but so what, most people know what they should be in every area of their lives but they are not.

Why shouldn't a person Dom be arrogant? Wouldn't this be better than some other quality "racist" "stupid" "psychopath"

Of course I would avoid arrogant stupid racist psychopathic Doms if your new to BDSM at least for a week or two. LOL

I am rambling (I do that alot) No Doms are not perfect they like everyone else have good traits and bad, how do you develop or assist someone in developing their good traits?

I would love to find a Dom development seminar or book which practically assisted.