Is being online 'chatting' whilst in a relationship cheating?

[Arria]

@ Ozme: I don´t argue that there are not other sorts of neglect, but that is not the question in this thread...

Neither was the amount of time spent watching porn the question... but the difference between watching something one-sided, and _interacting_ with people.

We call that comparing apples with pears :-)

And I do not oppose when one partner does not want to know something - I function that way myself -, but the pseudo-good self-justification of the "as long as my spouse does not KNOW it, I am not taking anything away from her - but I did not bother to ask her opinion on that matter before I took up the action in question".
That is false/cheating, imho... and not even having the guts to admit to such cowardice is a turn-off for me, and takes away any respect I might have had for such a person.

And, independent of the gender, I find it truly sad if one suffocates his/her partner so much that the partner has to lie about his activities.
Equally sorry am I for people who are so unhappy in their relationship that they use either chatting or golfing as an excuse for not having to spend time with their spouse (as opposed to "chatting or golfing for fun/because one enjoys it"), and don´t have the guts to speak up about that fact and communicate their unhappiness.

Still, I cannot help but wonder why you bring up non-sexual activities/pastimes in such threads again and again.
There IS a difference.
If the thing is not sex-related, the partner will feel only neglected.
If it IS sex-related, the partner will feel both neglected AND cheated upon.
Neither is good.
But they are two different things.

[Ozme52]

@ Ozme: I don´t argue that there are not other sorts of neglect, but that is not the question in this thread...

Neither was the amount of time spent watching porn the question... but the difference between watching something one-sided, and _interacting_ with people.

We call that comparing apples with pears :-)

And I do not oppose when one partner does not want to know something - I function that way myself -, but the pseudo-good self-justification of the "as long as my spouse does not KNOW it, I am not taking anything away from her - but I did not bother to ask her opinion on that matter before I took up the action in question".
That is false/cheating, imho... and not even having the guts to admit to such cowardice is a turn-off for me, and takes away any respect I might have had for such a person.

And, independent of the gender, I find it truly sad if one suffocates his/her partner so much that the partner has to lie about his activities.
Equally sorry am I for people who are so unhappy in their relationship that they use either chatting or golfing as an excuse for not having to spend time with their spouse (as opposed to "chatting or golfing for fun/because one enjoys it"), and don´t have the guts to speak up about that fact and communicate their unhappiness.

Still, I cannot help but wonder why you bring up non-sexual activities/pastimes in such threads again and again.
There IS a difference.
If the thing is not sex-related, the partner will feel only neglected.
If it IS sex-related, the partner will feel both neglected AND cheated upon.
Neither is good.
But they are two different things.

I think I bring it up because so many others here say there is NO excuse and NO situation that is justification. So I wonder what they feel about other forms of disloyalty. Or if they just have strong opinions about sexual activities... which I find odd considering what forum we're on.

[angelic.zest]

i really enjoy these kinds of threads, i believe there are...ahhh roughly 4 in circulation at the very moment...sighs..

as we all stated before, terms, guidelines set up at the beginning, near the middle of a relationship can only determine if a person(partner) is cheating or not, as Oz said, maybe playboy, Maxium is cheating to this female where for most of us its just abit of light reading...whatever the case maybe its up to the two ppl involved to know if a person is cheating or not.

as delia said, excerise some caustion when speaking with someone, we never know who's on the other side of these screens.

[Arria]

@ Ozme: Thanks for clarifying that... having had one of them (the non-sex related activity runaway), I can say being neglected for a non-sexual activity when the relationship is going through a hard time is probably even worse than for a sexual activity - because, if your partner acts dumb / does not admit it, there is no way you can make clear something is wrong and he is avoiding you.

It will get you a "you don´t want me to have harmless fun" accusation, which is - again - bullshit.
I would not oppose against my partner having harmless fun.
I would, and did, however, very, very strongly oppose to him spending the greatest part of his free time away from me, having an extremely good mood when heading out, while always being sulky, down, and non-communicating while being at home.

The fact that there is nothing sexual involved just makes you feel even more helpless and desperate and alone. Because - he is not doing anything WRONG, is he?

One of the reasons I hate the doing-behind-the-spouse´s-back-without-ever-having-asked-his-opinion attitude so much is that I have a very strong feeling that, once the issue is found out and in the open, the "acting" partner will say something along the lines of "I never took anything away from you - you never even noticed until you stumbled across the fact by accident", thus not even granting the spouse the right to feeling hurt and betrayed.

Because if they would NOT defend themselves along these lines, they would have to admit they did something wrong.
Cowardly people do things behind their spouse´s backs.
So I see very little chance that such a cowardly person will invite trouble by admitting to wrong-doing.

And this picture makes me sick to my stomach. I know what it feels like. And it´s bad enough when there is no sexual relation involved at all.

[MMI]

I never cross the line. But, perhaps, one day, when I look behind me, I'll see it there.

[Arria]

MMI: Ok now don´t get this wrong, but imho there is no such thing as a person "sucking at sex" - there are only people who are not able to communicate and teach their partner....

It takes one to teach, and one willing to be teached... if you don´t have that... it won´t work. Good sex is not done by one participant alone, you see.

(I have been called a frigid bitch often enough. I am not one. It just takes a man who knows how I function... hubby does... and with him, I am not frigid. Quite on the contrary.)

[MMI]

I disagree. Some people are good at sex. And some aren't. Just like some people are better at tennis than others.

Likewise, there are things some people will not do, and it's pointless to try to teach them. If I told my wife that I get off pissing over women, and making them play with my excrement, she would not say, Oh, all right - just show me where to kneel ...

But if I can find someone who will talk to me about it online, then maybe I can get off just by thinking about doing it on the person I am chatting to. My wife, of course would be disgusted if she knew. But she doesn't have to, if I'm careful.

[denuseri]

Having been the target of such accusations of this type in chat on more than one occasion I appreciate that my wizardly friend. HUGS OZ!!!

[Ozme52]

Having been the target of such accusations of this type in chat on more than one occasion I appreciate that my wizardly friend. HUGS OZ!!!

*nodding*

You're welcome denuseri

[the_moirae]

The question still needs answering - is this cheating?

(Preface my answer with: just one person's opinion. Okay, now that my disclaimer's out of the way...)

Depends. If folks are in an open relationship (and by "open" I mean, their spouse/s.o. is aware of their mate's activities, or there is some understanding that their partner chats/r.p.'s/etc. on/offline), then the activities don't fall into the arena of "cheating." Otherwise...well, yeah.

[Arria]

@ Ozme: "I have acquaintances who get 4 hours a year to be away for their spouse, and have to beg for that."
OMG, that is so absolutely horrible, I find it disgusting. But - it takes 2, as always. One who dishes out the shit, and a partner who accepts it.

For me, that would be a deal breaker - not being allowed to do anything on my own again. Same accounts for hubby. The more pressure one applies to me, the faster I break away from it.

What I also do not understand with such people is how they don´t get totally bored with each other. I mean, if I do something on my own (e.g. going to the movies with a friend, or going to a garden-and-house-plants-exhibition with a friend), I can tell hubby about it afterwards.
Or if he goes to some rock concert of a band he likes and that does nothing for me, he can also tell me about it afterwards, plus he met friends and had a generally great evening and comes home in a very good mood.
I think such things are vital for a relationship to work and not get boring, and I think people who do not give their partners the opportunity for things and activities on their own, only have a huge ego problem and are horribly insecure. (I see no other reason for such behaviour.)

I must also say hubby tried to be like that in the beginning of our relationship as well (the reason being that some of his former girls cheated on him). I put an end to that quickly. I said, he either would stop this, or I would end the relationship, starting now, and that I did NOT like to be in a golden cage!
He said "Yes, you do, as long as the door to the cage remains open."
I said "Yeah, right, but YOU stand in the open door of that cage, and act all hurt and angry if I dare take a step out, and that sucks!!!"
*lol*

As usual with me, I tried to find out why he acted like that, because it did not fit the impression I had about his personality. I found out, as described, that cheating ex-girlfriends were the cause. Sorry, but there is no way I will put up with dumb behaviour because of something I did NOT do MYSELF.

I also said if that was what he liked, he could also go straight ahead and forbid me to work, because if I really wanted to, I could just as well fuck some work colleague during lunchbreak in a hotel close by! (Not that I would do anything of the like, but you get my point.)

So we took it by little steps, and of course the fact that I came home after whatever activity it was (not that I have much opportunity, I had a small child at that time!), and he could check if I smelled of another guy (groans), helped, too.
Nowadays it is not a problem anymore.

See - he wants his spare time and activities, and I want the same. And I will not accept a partnership in which both don´t have the same rights (regarding work and stuff like that).

Hubby also goes to a rock-concert-weekend (3 days every year) alone, where I take care of my kid and he can relax. I like to think once we do not trust each other enough anymore to let the other go away from home for 2 or 3 days alone, we could as well end the relationship because there very obviously would be a HUGE trust issue.

I will never understand spouses who suffocate and smother their partner like that and expect them to remain with them and accept such treatment! I mean, we are grown-ups, for God´s sake! Honest!

*remembers to breathe" OK, end of rant, thanks for listening so far.

[Thorne]

I mean, we are grown-ups, for God´s sake! Honest!

Unfortunately, there are far too few who can act like grownups, especially when sexual issues are involved.