Heartbroken - but its my own damn fault

[caged]

......and burning one's name in another's body and attaching no significance to it is a total mindfuck.

I wouldn't necessarily say she attached no significance to it... just not the kind of loving/romantic significance that many do. IF the two both sought hard, ownership-style S&M that seems feasible.
---------------
He also confronted her -- at least on two serious occasions -- with his feelings, and asked for a break for his emotion's sake. Slapping the hell out of a sub having an emotional breakdown is a huge red flag.

Cannot argue with that, for sure

P.S. -- this is NOT a flame. I know it's a bit strong, but that's because the topic is a very serious one. Much love and hugs to caged!

Very kind, thank you!

[Dragon's muse]

i was with Dragon for five years before we even considered branding. Huge and gentle cyberhugs to you. i agree with what everyone else said. Permanant marking is NOT play, ever. She was firmly in the wrong to do the deed without the meaning the deed implies.

You will get through this. Somewhere there is a loving and caring Mistress who you will love and who will value you and the open, loving heart that you bring.

Goddess send you strength, healing and love,

muse

[mina]

Wow, I can't imagine giving permanent markings unless you were in a fully committed and loving relationship.

I can't really add much to what the others have said, but I really hope things do look up for you *big hugs*

[Aussiegirl1]

I too just wanted to add my support to you koppite. I hope you do let the support of everyone here make you feel you are worthy of help. Good Luck to you.

[StillBehindBlueEyes]

koppite I just found this thread and wanted to send a hug to you. No need to add advice it's all been said.

[koppite727]

Without all of your advice and words of support I think I would still be really depressed, confused and, as you have pointed out, in an abusive relationship. Just in case you might know her, I also spoke with Mistress Scarlette in LA, and she also was a great help. You all were able to give me perspective and understanding, while at the same time giving me a lot of comfort and much needed care. I cant describe how bad it was for a while there, and I am sure you all know how it feels, but I am a better person for it, and I;ve learned what I want out of life and whats important to me. Thank you again.

In terms of my situation: I wrote her an email because I know if I tried talking to her I wouldnt be able to finish, I sometimes find it hard to say what I need to say for lots of reasons. In the email I explained how at first, yes, I had agreed to be her slave but over time, I have grown attached to her and can see no way to continue without the relationship becomig deeper on a personal level. I tried to be tactful while remaining strong - I told her that I cant be her slave anymore, that she has to move out of my house as soon as she can, and that we had both grown, just unfortunately, in different directions.

She never wrote me back, lol, but I did call her on Friday, before she flew home, to make sure she had gotten her email. She said she had and that she understood and that everything was ok. Just to show you how either (1) clueless she was to my true feelings about her (2) machavellian she is in dealing with emotions and people - when she got home and we talked about it, she said at one point for a minute she thought I was saying all those things to use them as a bargaining chip to get into her pants. !!! I am guessing that either she gets so much attention all the time from guys (she is a model) that she has reduced love to a poker chip or she doesnt believe or understand how I could have fallen in love with her.

In any case, she was completely fine with it all and I did my best, when we were talking, to explain how it affected me and how depresed I had become over the whole situation. We spent yesterday making soup and a cake. I didnt do anything servant like or slave like, lol, and we had a great time. Normally I am at her feet when she sits on the couch, giving her a foot massage or a pedicure. Didnt do that, sat next to her etc. I will always be a gentleman, ofcourse, but I know she could tell there was a difference, and most importantly, I could feel the difference. I felt mentally strong, better, able to handle the situation, in control, and truly happy.

I am over her, my heart doesnt break thinking about her with another guy. I dont cry for no reason or feel depressed at the flip of a switch. I am doing the things I love again - playing video games, going biking, working out, even writing (thanks for the complement by the way!). I am back to my old self and I cant thank all of you enough. If you all know one thing, its that you have impacted my life in a positive way and really given me hope that I can have the life I want. I am taking positive steps towards that - I have a profile up on collarme and am going to use other ways to try and meet more people interested in what I enjoy.

Will I keep the tattoo and brands? Well, since I am in law school right now, I have no $$ to remove them. And even if I did, right now I want to keep them as a reminder of what I have learned and gone through. If I ever meet someone and its a deal breaker, I would happily have them removed for her. I personally like body modification, have a few cuttings, piercings (the PA is my fav) etc. So maybe thats why I am a little more at ease with keeping the brands for now. Although the letters dont make any sense, lol, atleast I can look at them and remember where I came from and who I am today.

And I have all of you to thank for it. Please, I owe you one, all of you, which I think makes it like I owe you 30 or something. I cant explain it in words how much I needed your help, how desperate I was to be heard and cared for. thank you thank you thank you thank you

koppite (david)

[cariad]

Koppite - I have just logged on having returned from being away over the weekend, and your last post is a heartwarming welcome back to Forums. I am so pleased to read what has happened in your life so far and congratulate you for being strong in a very difficult position.

I remember chatting to someone in a similiar position a couple of years ago, and he found it hard to stay away from the abusive mistress he had left. I tell you this as a warning, in case you find yourself being tempted back. You have done the hardest bit now, but please don't be tempted to go back to her for dinner parties, occasional play sessions etc., at least for sometime. They could be a crack through which you could fall taking you quickly back to where you were.

Wishing you happiness and contentment
cariad

[dzire2pleeze]

Glad to hear that we were of some help to you.

You seem to be on the right track...just remember there is no one in this life more important than yourself.

[suchaminx]

~smiles and hugs~

Thank you for posting again. The forums are great place, help, suport or just chat. Hope you stay around.

minx

[frankee]

Incredible news david!

i'm sure it was hard to break away from someone that you had very strong feelings for. At this point you probably feel liberated and able to move on. i am both and relieved that you have your life back again.


Sending you big warm hugs.

[Phantome]

David, I'm so glad to hear your good news! Stay strong, don't look back, and certainly don't go back to her! It sound like you've really figured out what you want, and have learned a few things on the way. I hope that you'll stay involved here and get to know all of us; you seem like a nice person to know, and the "family" is always around to help when needed!
-Phan

[Timberwolf]

Good to hear that you feel you've made a lot of progress there david. Congrats on working it out. I hope you have continued success in the future.

[MsUther]

Yay!! Hooray David I`m so happy for you. You have shown such strenght in this matter, both in the previous relationship with her and now in your work to be free. To aknowledge the problem and to ask for help and advice, to share so much of yourself that you have done and to solve the problem and save yourself.... David, its a big job, its a hard path to walk.
And you have been so good in doing all that you have done.
Thank you for posting and telling us whats been happening to you. I`m so glad Now, make sure to stay here with us and look around to what fun the site offers

[ElectricBadger]

Glad to hear it's worked out, that must have taken an immense amount of bravery on your part and I hugely respect that. It's not easy to make such changes in one's life.

I'm sure your future will be bright...sensitive subbie getting a law degree? I think I can already hear the Dommes drooling....

Keep us posted, and I really hope you stay in the community. And yes, WRITE!

[Tojo]

Thanks for letting us know, that means a lot as you've seen from the previous posts.

You've done something to be proud of, both asking for help & taking control of your life.

As Badger says, the Dommes will be lining up....


Tojo

[poetic_justice]

I'm happy for you, David. You deserve someone who will make you happy, and I hope that one day you find it.

*hugs*
I know EXACTLY what you've been through, in so many ways. And I can tell you now, from personal experience, that it does get better. And that there is no turning back. Now or Ever. I promise you.

Take care of yourself, and welcome back to us.

Love Trace xoxo

[koppite727]

Hey Cariad,

I saw your posting and had to write you. Its been hard, thats for sure, because she is here on the weekends until December. I am trying my best just to leave the house when she is here or, like this weekend when she is visiting with her BF tomorrow, I am definitely going to get the hell out for the night.

The issue I have is that part of me is saying, "come on, its like a free session, and she will only be here for a few more weeks, you can go back to being her slave." but I know thats not the whole picture. There would be all kinds of other feelings tied up in it and I think I would be right back where I started after a weekend.

The worst part is, it was very very comfortable for both of us when I was her slave. And its easy to fall back into, but I know I cant let that happen.

jesus, whats wrong with me, i feel like one of those abused wives on Cops. lol. not that its a laughing matter, i was just picturing her in a wife beater and me with no shoes and matted, dirty hair, begging with the police not to lock her up lol.

Thanks for the heads up, you are right, its easy to slide back into how things were, but I am not going to let that happen.

everyday and in every way, I am getting better and better.

[cariad]

jesus, whats wrong with me, i feel like one of those abused wives on Cops. lol. not that its a laughing matter, i was just picturing her in a wife beater and me with no shoes and matted, dirty hair, begging with the police not to lock her up lol.

Well, I have to admit that was the image, although a lot less graphic, that I had in my head when I wrote the post. I have the greatest respect for wives/girlfriends who are going through abuse since in my line of work I have had the opportunity of helping some, and even more poignantly one of my best friends has been in an abusive relationship for the past four years; so I know it is very rarely a black and white situation.

Thanks for the heads up, you are right, its easy to slide back into how things were, but I am not going to let that happen.

everyday and in every way, I am getting better and better.

I am pleased that you are managing to stick to your goal, and hope that each time you say no, either to her or to yourself, you find it a little easier. Remember too that if you slip up once, it is not the end. You obviously have a strong personality combined with wisdom and practical good sense; so pull on all your resources and get through this, however difficult it may be.

And just think. one day I am sure there will be someone who will truly appreciate your submission and devotion, and will respond by caring for you as you deserve.

Hugs
cariad

[TomOfSweden]

jesus, whats wrong with me, i feel like one of those abused wives on Cops. lol. not that its a laughing matter, i was just picturing her in a wife beater and me with no shoes and matted, dirty hair, begging with the police not to lock her up lol.

well, you are. No doubt about it.

[Jadetiger]

Koppite,
I have been keeping up with your thread. I am relieve and happy that you are taking back control of your life and happiness. I have to admit that I did not post at first because I knew my posts would not be well received. I had so many questions regarding your first post and what I perceived as a lot of missing pieces to how this hurtful situation had occurred.

I think you where brilliant to write her in an email to explain your feelings and thoughts on the relationship. I am only speaking from my own experience but I had a sub who could not communicate with me verbally no matter how many questions I asked. It was a very confusing time for me because his actions did not reflex what he would tell me. I ended up having him write it in letters to me let me see what was really going on in our relationship. I don’t really think knowing how it happened really matters now as long as you are getting the support you need.

Relationships are hard and I am glad you are finding the strength to stand your ground and not fall back into old habits. You are in control, you deserve a relationship where not only your mistress’s needs but your’s are met as well. I am glad she now understands the depth of your emotions and I am sad that your love was not returned. Be strong Koppite, the person you seek is out there.

Hugs,
Jade

[ElectricBadger]

Really good to hear back from you again, kop! Glad things are going well (as well as can be hoped, at least). Major *hugs*

[cariad]

p.s. Any chance of you one day asking me to change the title of this thread to 'Heartbroken - but its not my own damn fault'?

Now that would be a cause to open another bottle of Rabbit's champagne!

cariad

[riverwindsong]

I am so glad to see you're on your way to a better place, Koppite. It will be hard for a while, but I am so glad to see that you are standing firm in your decision to do what is best for you. When it gets tough, just remember that you are worth it. You will find the right woman for you, one who can and will appreciate your gift of submission and devotion to her, and she will return it fully. I know it. *hugs to you*

[levantegirl]

That really is abuse. If any woman came on to the boards I'm sure you would advise them to get the hell out from the abuser. So, I'm glad to read that you are away from her, because that was not a SSC/RACK relationshipin bdsm terms, nor was it healthy in conventional relationship terms.

Good luck in moving forward with your life

[MrJames]

koppite,

Please, please understand that what you're going through is not your fault. You're not to blame for it, and you do deserve better.

And I know I'll never be able to convince you through anything I post, but you're also not alone in what you're feeling. I don't mean to speak for other people, but I know *I* have felt similar loneliness and near-despair, and I'd be willing to bet just about everyone else can relate in some way. Is there anyone out there who *hasn't* felt that they would never find the right person? I'm a Dom, not a sub, but I know I often feel like I'll never find the right sub for me. I thought I had once, but it wasn't true. I've also felt other extremely painful losses in my life, and I can say that it may be a cliche, but it's true, you *will* get over it. I never thought I would get over my loss, but I did. Things will get better, I swear.

But in the meantime, don't give up hope of finding someone, and don't blame yourself for things you didn't do.

Hang in there. You keep looking for your Domme, and I'll keep looking for my sub.

[mortsgirl]

What an evil girl, you poor thing.