The place of sex in a D/s-bdsm relationship

[Jones, Nikka]

I have read this threat several times and every time I gain new insights from all the opinions that have been offered so far. Depending on the circumstances of each scene I find myself in agreement with Finding Fantasy, Master Kurt, RedEva, Shadoom and his wife.
I have come to realize that as much as I value love as the main ingredient of my bdsm relationship, trust and confidence are just as important. I have tried to see the question at hand from the point of view of all of the contributors to this forum and I have realized that sex is also essential to my current bdsm relationship. Yes, "mental orgasms" are a very special experience but as much as I may claim that my love for my partner is my main motivation my body may beg to differ.

[MrJerseyGuy]

Its interesting to not the differences in thinking between the male and female forum members. I believe it was a comment I made in another thread that helped inspire this one so I'll ad my perspective (for what its worth)

I wasn't specific when I said that BDSM was about sex. When I said that I didn't neccessarily mean that I have to have my cock in her mouth while I'm whipping her. Even when sex is not directly involved there is always (at least for us) a sexual overtone to it. Sometimes its as subtle as going out to a nice restaurant for dinner with her wearing a short dress and no panties because I told her to. Its just the two of us knowing the situation among so many who don't that creates that air of sexual tension that makes the meal more exciting. Or talking to her while she's at work knowing that her pussy is shaved because I have told her to keep it that way.

However when we get serious, sex is always a part for both of us. If I were to chain her to the bed and just leave her there...she would not only NOT be turned on or happy about it, but would probably be seriously annoyed with me for doing it.

You could write a lot on this subject (and some of you have) but I guess in a nutshell...

Yeah, sex is a definate part for me. Even if it's only in the mind, its still always there.

[Spitman]

For me, the real issue is the place of bdsm in a sexual relationship.

If it is a relationship, it is about sex so whatever form the sexual activity takes, it is still sexual.

BDSM is a trigger, a stimulant that enhances the excitement and the enjoyment of sex. It is the unfailing way for a suitably disposed man to become rock hard in seconds, and a woman to become engorged, wet and ready.

Having a trigger may mean that it becomes necessary as an adjunct to sex, which happens when we become conditioned to the use of a particular trigger, like the feel of a particular kind of rope, or the sight of a woman struggling in bondage. That is when we are permitted to call it a fetish, and others might be justified in calling us obsessed,

Those who are lucky enough to continue to respond to many kinds or eroticism, but enjoy bdsm, may be the luckiest, because they do not depend on a trigger that may not suit their partner, and can still be fully satisfied by sex without a bdsm component.

A woman who is not into bdsm once asked me why some women enjoy being whipped or caned. I suggested that it might have something to do with blood rushing to a certain part of the body. Oh, she said and asked no more.

If bdsm did not produce immediate sexual arousal I would not bother with it. It enhances tactile sensitivity, everything the partner does is eye candy, and it reinforces my sexual role.

What it does not do, for me, is remove the respect I have for the woman who gives me total trust and the privilege of being in control.

[BDSM_Tourguide]

This one's worth another look, I think.

The thread was edited, though, because of a bit of nastiness involved. I figured it would be better to keep the relevant, good parts of the conversation and leave the bickering and backbiting out for the enjoyment of the readers here.

[YNHumiliator]

Yeah I agree with Spitman - if it doesn't ring your bells why on earth do it?

Interesting - the viewpoint that orgasm really doesn't matter if the task set is completed successfully...but I think that reflects the demands of the Dom, to some degree. As I've said before, to me, I only get real satisfaction if the sub is brought to her knees not thru pain, but thru pleasure. Probably reveals my generous nature lol

Pain is a truly wonderful trigger for many "things"...

We are all very different, some become positively ecstatic when subjected to, what can only be described as, "pure torture", some crave only the mildest of treatments, but basically we all derive what we need from the experience. We are no different, Dom or sub, in that.

As for Humiliation - in itself it can be heart stoppingly exciting or nothing at all - it all depends on your angle...talking of which I watched "The Image" the other day - yeah I know it's flawed (it would be impossibe to perfectly envision the book) but there are some quite excellent moments when Anne is subjected to pure humiliation - just like Tourguide I found myself inadvertently drooling lol

YN

"...why don't you ring me more often?" - My mum.