Silke's ramblings...

[Silke]

*hugs back* I hope you'll work things out between you and your domly one...or that you just find more hours in the day so that you always have a few spare ones to talk.

Take care!

[Talia]

Fuck, fuck, FUCK! You know, I thought I was doing pretty darn well this week...but it just all collapsed like a card house. *sighs* I think my resolve to work through being lonely only works until Sundays, then all the energy is used up and I'm raw...no protective layer left.

I knew I'd probably only get to talk to Master on weekends, so I was ok...until now. It's Monday now, officially...no word from Master the whole weekend.....and with the new work week starting....probably another wait until the weekend....and then? *sighs* I don't know how many weeks like this I can take!! It's not only being lonely - it's not knowing when or if he'll be there, spending my nights online waiting for the slight chance that he might log on and not wanting to waste one of those precious opportunities, not knowing fuck all...only hoping, wishing, praying, crying...trying to figure out what can be so damn difficult in just sending a single line to say he cares but can't talk right now? Am I being unfair? Maybe. But right now I can't do anything about it...I just miss him like crazy, miss him so much it hurts. And he's the only cure - go figure!

I feel you hun. *heart crying for the one I seek*

[Widget]

*hugs* Silke

[Silke]

Thanks for the hugs and kind words. *curls up on the sofa to sleep* Didn't get much of that last night.

...big hug for SB, you sound like you need one, too.

[His Slut]

{{{{{Silke}}}}

Sounds like you need it...

[KermitsKeeper]

Oh Silke, I'm so sorry! My subby heart goes out to you, and my new Mistress mind is taking notes. Praying for an evening where your Master is there for you, or at least a simple note so you know he thinks you're as wonderful as the rest of us do!

[Silke]

*hugs back HS and Kate just because it feels good*

Thanks, Kate...it's weird, I mean I know he cares and is just too busy right now, but I feel completely deflated...it just sneaks up on me. I don't think I've ever been so dependant on someone's words and care before. It's wonderful usually, but a curse if you're left alone like this. Lol, who am I telling this - you know both sides of the story.

*sighs* y'all remember when I said I'm losing my protective layers? Well, I sure did last night and I hope he won't take it the wrong way when he reads the messages I sent out to him then. All sad and frustrated chaotic rants like the one I posted here...and believe me, this is a new side I'm seeing from myself. Looking back I wish I would have maintained my composure better. I mean, he has enough on his plate now without my dumping emotional outbursts on him. I'll try to get back to more civilized subbie behaviour...

[Talia]

Dear Silke....I don't think he'll blame you in the least! I think it's great you sent the messages you did. I think he will be grateful you shared your deepest feeling with him. I know those can be of anger and frustration to.....sometimes..doms need to see that too. Take care hun....we've all got our wondefful conterparts we miss terribly. (((((silke))))

[Silke]

Yeah, maybe you're right, SB. I just tried to put myself into his shoes - you're terribly stressed from work, hardly have the time to do anything just for yourself and then, after a long time, you log in, hoping to see the people you love and spend some quality time.....and all you find are more problems. That's what hit me when I read some of this again. You know, I'd be put off...yeah, I'd care and be sad, but it would look like work to me. Then again, I'm not a Dom, lol - maybe they think differently.

Anyway, I apologized for dumping all my problems on him last night - NOT for feeling like I did, just for bothering him with this right now. And even though I know he probably hasn't read a single one of my messages yet, I feel better now.

Until the next outburst...keep watching this spot, lol.

[Tojo]

Well if he's worth his salt Silke, he'll just know that you care.

Sometimes honesty is the best policy- particularly in this lifestyle.


Tojo

[Silke]

Good point, Tojo. And as I said before, I didn't apologize for feeling the way I did, just for the time I chose to 'vent'. But then again, it's better that it's out and I don't have to explain everything again once we get some of that precious time together. I'd hate to waste it...

I'm pretty sure he prefers to see the outbursts over some fake happy facade, so yeah - honesty is the way to go.

Today has been a good day. I've felt him close somehow, it's hard to explain...but I get those days when he's almost tangible, as if he was watching me as I go about my day. Those days I catch myself walking taller, holding my head high and seeing him in every person I meet...I'm at my best on those days, feel strong and secure...and loved. Oh, and incredibly sexy and horny, lol. Well...the latter might be due to not having been able to touch for ages now (okay, a week IS an eternity for me, lol) and also because I read the most erotic story last night *melts*. Thanks, Sbbe, for the recommendation - not sure whether to kiss or curse you, though. It's been pure torture not to go for that orgasm lurking just around the corner, grrrr.

[Evan_]

Silke,
<Sitting on the edge of the couch, pulling up the cover on Silke>

Yes, dommes think differently than subs. I've been on both sides of that fence, and both are difficult. My money is on this one: he wants to spend lots of time with you and feels a 30-second "hihowareya, talktoyalater" isn't fair to you; you need more and deserve more. That's where my head was when we we apart, anyway. Now that I'm on "this" side of the fence, even though we spend exactly as much time apart as we ever did before, it feels like for-EVER to me now. I spent all day Sunday hitting the email, hoping, praying, pleading for a response... nothing. I feel your pain.

As for an outlet, even if you think you can't write poetry, i strongly recommend it. it doesn't have to be "good," just from your heart. write words that come to your mind, in any order, any phrasing, spelling doesn't count. Fill the page and turn it. Fill the next one. It does not have to rhyme, or fit into any pattern at all. It doesn't have to be flowery, serious, or even coherent. It's words, from you. Don't throw it away, though. date it, put it away, then look at it much much later. You may find a phrase, a thought, an emotion, that you didn't recognize earlier. One rule: just write. I promise you it will help.

If you haven't been keeping up on Kate and I, we're new to this game, and learning every day. We recently swapped roles, mostly on a dare, and both discovered something amazing and joyous in the new position. I had assumed that after just a few days we would both grow bored and ask to swap back, but 3 weeks later, my mistress has asked me to re-draft our written agreement! !

Well, not to hijack, let's bring this back to the point: as an "individual who gives the gift of his submission on a daily basis to a dear trusted friend" (or IWGTGOHSOADBTADTF for short ha ha ha), i can assure you that time apart can be painful, drawn out, depressing, and just plain bad. I think of her almost constantly. I don't know I can comfort you any more than to offer my arms in a comforting hug, and offer a shoulder and an ear.

All the best,
Evan

[Silke]

Oh my, Evan...thank you for that wonderful post. I had tears in my eyes after reading just the first line. *curls up some more under the covers*

Yes, I've been following your and Kate's steps into your new life - what an amazing journey and one I never expected. *grins* I seems I wasn't the only one who was surprised. It's been so interesting to see both of you getting comfortable in your new shoes and I can't wait how things will develop between you. It seems you have some interesting tasks waiting for you from what I've seen in another thread... No worries about highjacking this thread by the way - it's open for everyone to share as long as they can stand my ramblings, lol. Since it's got my name on it I almost feel compelled to throw in my thoughts...

As spot on as your estimate of the reasons to the long periods of silence might be, the mystery of the recent lack of presence from my Master was due to computer issues. *sends not-so-silent curses to the tech-gods* I just found a message from him in my mailbox. YAY!!! But the thought has crossed my mind as well - if you don't have the time to talk properly, don't talk at all. Only that from the sub point of view it's maybe a little different... Sure, if it was up to me we'd never stop being together, but a little note sometimes helps me through the day. It's the gesture, not the content necessarily.

I'll look into your poetry suggestion, give it a try. Usually I'm too much of a perfectionist to do something like that, but doing it mainly for myself might be a nice outlet. And maybe I'll get over that eeeeww feeling when reading my own writings at some stage, lol. If I ever write something that survives my censorship I'll post it here.

Thank you for lending your ear and shoulder...the latter has proven to be amazingly comfortable and comforting. *smiles* A big hug for you and Kate - you're so sweet. I hope you'll find a way to make the time apart from your mistress as short as possible, and the time together even more special - it's precious.

Take care,
Silke

[KermitsKeeper]

Silke, I'm so happy you heard from your Master! Computers are such a blessing and such a curse, aren't they? And Evan will tell you, if you ask him, that I have a tendency to flood his inbox unless I am on vacation or on an outing with my family... So although he had a torturous Sunday, most of the time he's hearing from me. Having been on the sub side, I couldn't let him suffer for too long! I also agree with you that he has the most comforting shoulder... I took advantage of it today after an upsetting event at work, and he pulled me through, like always. Of course the offer to break the knees of the person who upset me was a nice touch! I'm glad he was able to offer his comfort to you, as well. He has a big heart, my sweet frog.

I used to write a lot of poetry... I ran into a book of it I wrote in high school and college (which was longer ago than I want to think about) and found some of it to be decent, but most made me laugh my ass off. Sometimes that's healing, too!

I hope there are no more computer issues, and also that you have a chance to tell your Master that even a "hihowareya, talktoyalater" is welcome to let you know you are on his mind. You are a special lady to us all, but I know how important a Master's words can be to get us through each day.

Hugs!
Kate

[Tojo]

Great thread Silke, reading this is like finding a secret room on the forum.

Hmm....


Tojo

[cookiecat]

i'm so happy you've heard from you Master, Silke. Good good good.

Hearing from others, the advice & support for you, as well as how you've been doing is comforting for a newbie like me to read. Thanks for rambling and here's to better days ahead.

cookiecat

[Silke]

Kate - I hope your work issues are resolved and your sweet little frog didn't have to break anybody's knees. *giggles* So cute! Thank you both for making me smile. *hugs*

Tojo - This thread is indeed wonderful and so much more than I expected when I started it. I still get goosebumps from the amount of care and support everybody has spilled into our secret room...wow!

cookie - I'm still a newbie myself, maybe not so much to the forum anymore, but to the lifestyle. And I so understand how you're feeling. Turning over a new page is a challenge sometimes and a bit scary, but with a strong and caring community like this to draw from...it all becomes easier and you don't feel as lost anymore. *raises glass* To better days ahead and to us!

About last night *smiles*...I didn't only find an email but also got to talk to Master for a bit. Oh my God, I felt giddy as a teenager in love, almost drunk with happiness. Lol, and I'll call him Santa from now on! He changed a few of our rules, added some fun stuff to my daily routines...all to keep me busy and feel loved while he can't be there for me as much as we both want. And it helps, you know. The novelty keeps me focused and the treats put a huge smile on my face. Thank you so much, Master. *hugs and kisses*

What really caught me off guard was the intensity of emotions I went through while talking with him, though. I broke out in tears when he told me to keep in mind that he loves me and thinks of me. Did I need to hear it that bad? I hardly regained composure long after he had to leave. It's as if someone's pulled the plug on me and emotions run wild...I've never been that way before. If you'd ask my friends they'd tell you I was pretty levelled out, hardly go to extreme moods, never quite let go and if I did, it was only towards the positive end of the scale. Even my mum said something like that the other day - that I'd always been a mystery to her and she never could 'read' me. How can someone tear down the facade I've kept so long in just a few months? He pushes my buttons - conciously or not - with such ease, it blows my mind and leaves me breathless. I'm still struggling to find ways to deal with those emotions, but it's probably the biggest gift he ever gave me and also the biggest gift from me to him, and the scariest and most fulfilling thing I've experienced. I've never trusted anyone to lead me to this place before.

Have a great day, everyone. Love y'all!

[hawk_fann]

Silke - I'm sorry to say I lost track of your thread and had some catching up to do. May I say I hope we here at the Forums never have the misfortune of having to endure your absence for periods like you've missed your Master. You're a treasure and we would miss you terribly. I'm happy you've had some time with him - keep us posted and know we're all here for you.

[Evan_]

Kate - I hope your work issues are resolved and your sweet little frog didn't have to break anybody's knees. *giggles* So cute! Thank you both for making me smile. *hugs*
....
He changed a few of our rules, added some fun stuff to my daily routines...all to keep me busy and feel loved while he can't be there for me as much as we both want.

Kate said a few well-chosen words, and the gentleman in question apologized immediately. Patellas everywhere are rejoicing.

So what rules did he change, and what daily routines did he add???? All of us newbies are drooling to find out!

My daily tasks includ emailing mistress Kate daily, letting her know what day of her cycle it is, blogging a little journal entry each day, and brushing in the mornings (a weakness and typical oversight of mine). There are a few other things that are less frequent than daily, but I know she is always on the prowl for new ideas; daily, weekly, monthly, sporadically, etc.

Glad to hear you found your smile!!

[Silke]

Hey hawk, no worries...I'm losing track of myself sometimes, lol. And thanks for the flattering words, I'll try and stay with y'all. *grins*

Evan - glad to hear that the knee issue was resolved without violence, lol. The pacifist in me rejoices.

Hmm, routines *ponders*. Only item of 'clothing' allowed at home when I'm alone is my collar (which I wear almost all the time anyway); all drinks at home are from a bowl; no touching myself for sexual pleasure without permission (well, there's a way around that *grins*...with tasks from the academy...shhhhh ); and I sleep with a leash attached to my collar and bed at night....

We have a few private games as well, but those shall remain exactly that...private.

The things that he added last night were soooooo nice and mostly there to add a little pleasure to my lonely life and show me that he cares. First of all I'm allowed a CUP of coffee in the morning, YAY!!! I begged for that, lol. The other huge thing was that I'm allowed to cum every other day and 'have to' *raises eyebrow* masturbate to the edge of orgasm at least once a day. A completely new one is practicing a position before going to bed - I mentioned that I was getting out of training, go figure - ask and you shall receive. But it's such a nice submissive thing to do and puts my mind on him before I go to sleep, there's something meditative about holding a position and I like that a lot.

A special treat was that he added to my last task at the academy. Knowing that he took the time to go through the task and come up with something for me made me melt on the spot.

You see, it's all little things, but with every single one of those routines I'm reminded of him and feel him close. *sighs happily*

[Warbaby1943]

Hey hawk, no worries...I'm losing track of myself sometimes, lol. And thanks for the flattering words, I'll try and stay with y'all. *grins*

Evan - glad to hear that the knee issue was resolved without violence, lol. The pacifist in me rejoices.

Hmm, routines *ponders*. Only item of 'clothing' allowed at home when I'm alone is my collar (which I wear almost all the time anyway); all drinks at home are from a bowl; no touching myself for sexual pleasure without permission (well, there's a way around that *grins*...with tasks from the academy...shhhhh ); and I sleep with a leash attached to my collar and bed at night....

We have a few private games as well, but those shall remain exactly that...private.

The things that he added last night were soooooo nice and mostly there to add a little pleasure to my lonely life and show me that he cares. First of all I'm allowed a CUP of coffee in the morning, YAY!!! I begged for that, lol. The other huge thing was that I'm allowed to cum every other day and 'have to' *raises eyebrow* masturbate to the edge of orgasm at least once a day. A completely new one is practicing a position before going to bed - I mentioned that I was getting out of training, go figure - ask and you shall receive. But it's such a nice submissive thing to do and puts my mind on him before I go to sleep, there's something meditative about holding a position and I like that a lot.

A special treat was that he added to my last task at the academy. Knowing that he took the time to go through the task and come up with something for me made me melt on the spot.

You see, it's all little things, but with every single one of those routines I'm reminded of him and feel him close. *sighs happily*

silke, you do sound happy again and that is so great. Hope it always remains that way for you.

[Silke]

Thanks Warbaby...yeah, woke up with a smile this morning and I also hope it stays that way. Sometimes happiness is just dumped on you but more often it's something we create for ourselves...and that is something I'm willing to work on. I have so much to be thankful for and smile about, it's all a matter of choosing your perspective...

[Warbaby1943]

Thanks Warbaby...yeah, woke up with a smile this morning and I also hope it stays that way. Sometimes happiness is just dumped on you but more often it's something we create for ourselves...and that is something I'm willing to work on. I have so much to be thankful for and smile about, it's all a matter of choosing your perspective...

So true. We often have to make our own beds. It is nice to have someone to share that bed with if only in our hearts.

[MajesticFae]

I'm glad he contacted you. =) I hope that I will be able to find a Master who makes me feel the way you do about yours. I wish you extreme happiness, giddiness and giggles in completing your new tasks. =)

[Silke]

*smiles* I'll keep my fingers crossed for your search, MajesticFace. Never stop looking before you find the one who deserves your heart and soul...or he finds you as was the case with me. I know I was lucky that way.

[Timberwolf]

Silke - Good to hear that by the looks of things, it's coming out well for you. And I'm not entriely sure it has to do with luck; perhaps more with simply finding what you deserve.

Be happy.

[Silke]

That's such a sweet thing of you to say, Timberwolf. I'm not always sure I 'deserve' him, he seems to be too good to be true, lol...I guess he sees something in me that I don't. But since I value his judgement in general, I'm not going to doubt him on this one...

By the way...what about that special lady you have met? *smiles* I've seen hints around the forums...

[Timberwolf]

Just a young lady I've encountered here, who happens to live within a reasonable distance of me, share a fair chunk of my interests, and a mutual attaction. And we seem to have the habit of agreeing with each other all the time.

We shall see where it leads... but I would be a liar if I said my hopes were not up at this point.

[Tojo]

I'm glad he contacted you. =) I hope that I will be able to find a Master who makes me feel the way you do about yours. I wish you extreme happiness, giddiness and giggles in completing your new tasks. =)

I'm sure you'll find someone MF- just be yourself.

All the best Wolfie, hope it works out.


Tojo

[Silke]

Hey, that sounds wonderful, Timberwolf! I'll keep my fingers crossed for the two of you...