Infidelity and BDSM

[Hime]

It's really hard for me to understand feeling this way. Every partner I've had has been different. I guess being bi and a switch, I've had more variety in sexual partners than most, but even so, no two people feel, taste or move the same way. Everyone has their own surprising qualities and habits. You say "a penis is a penis," I say "how long? How wide? how hard does it get? What color? Circumsized or uncircumsized? Any piercings? What positions does he like? What kind of noises would he make?" And yeah, when I see an attractive man I can't help wondering about those things, and I would wonder even if I were in a monogamous relationship. I think that's natural for an awful lot of people, even if it isn't for you.

Personally, I'm poly and very happy that way. But even if I were in a monogamous relationship, it would be hard for me to see cheating the way many people seem to see it, as the worst thing you can to do someone. It just doesn't seem like that big of a deal to me compared to other things, like "financial cheating" -- i.e., lying about where you're spending money, having a separate bank account separate from your spouse, etc. Or the kind of everyday verbal abuse that I hear from a lot of couples who've been together for a while, like "you're so stupid" or "shut up, you bitch" or whatever. Those are things I would leave someone for. Sexual cheating wouldn't bother me as much, since, as long as everyone is safe and avoids diseases, it wouldn't really hurt me.

My sister-in-law is very Christian, and is always after my husband and me to "forgive" his father, who has always been abusive and called my husband a liar in a court of law when he was a child. And yet, when one of the sister-in-law's friends' wives cheated on him (the friend and his wife have two kids, btw), she told him not to forgive her, and to leave her right away. I still have no idea what kind of mindset makes a cheating wife less forgivable than an abusive father. It's honestly beyond my comprehension.

[Ragoczy]

Okay ... gotta say, the line was a couple steps back that way.

[IAmCanadian]

Somebody call the exorcist.

- FS

[annie]

Once again you have made yourself and your position extremely clear...

[Torq]

OK Folks,, as you may see a post or two is missing,, and a few have been edited.

PLEASE keep in mind RESPECT is this sites #1 Rule..

Please stay on topic an not "Name-Calling"

Thanks allll

Be Well
T

[leah06]

"Respect" isn't unconditional and there are some acts which strike a strong, negative chord with people.

If a child-molester or rapist came here and started describing his exploits, would you "respect" him or speak out against him? No, I am not implying a moral equivalency between these and infidelity, but they are all things that some people consider to be wrong. Good people, when faced with wrong, speak out against it.

Some people consider lots of things to be wrong, many of which people on this site participate in. I don't think it's enough that someone "considers" something to be wrong for them to speak in such a hurtful, sweeping manner. Of course we would all condemn a pedophile, but there's a lot of slippery slope between here and there and I don't think infidelity and pedophilia are equivalent. I think people should be very sure that whatever activity they are planning to condemn falls into the pedophile category before they use the most inflamatory and intemperate language they can muster.

Respect is a good place to start, and maybe people should ask themselves whether it's really necessary to depart from that in order to make a point.

[Demon Dom]

Compliance which has been enforced by using force is short lived, if you are set on building a strong, longer lasting relationship based on dominance and submission you have to not only accept the other person, but be as reverent of their flaws as you are of their good points.

To achieve this goal I think of my dominance as a tool. This lifestyle is not limited to the sexual practices and ideas often talked about in articles, this lifestyle is very much about making a choice to look at your life and how you approach it in a completely different way. If we can reduce the amount of time waisted on resentment points in a relationship which do not really advance us, then we can take that time and invest it into making ourselves better. Not only for our own good, but to prosper for and with your partner.

Sex and sexual practices are an essential part of our lives, they rule us more than we would like to think. If we manage to tame that beast, by admitting ourselves into a world of pleasure whenever we feel like it, without guilt or shame, then we are in a position to better share ourselves and create a longer lasting, much tighter bond with our partner.

That gives me a very secure feeling and I can focus my attention on the more important things. How to progress my career, create a happy and safe environment for my pet, how to educate myself so that I can better understand her and how to ensure that she is happy with me by serving my needs and receiving the feedback she deserves. ‘Persevere,’ it’s my stance on how I deal with things in life. Every time I get an injury or suffer from a personal setback that’s exactly what I do, I persevere. It’s either that or ‘Rise Above,’ as opposed to persevere through it.

No one understands until they do it. There's no explaining it. There are too many invariables in life you can't control that just happen. She is my wife. A few hours, that either of us, spent with someone else are not enough for me to give that up. We're two polar opposites. But for some reason, it just works.

I'm past remorse. I'd like to think everybody involved in the situation is past it too. Our lives are busy and hectic, right now, but in a good way. ... This is where I always wanted to get to. It feels really, really good. It feels satisfying. We needed that stuff to happen in order to get this attitude. Didn't know it, wouldn't plan on going through all that again, but I think we made lemonade out of lemons. I know that when I go to bed at night, I feel good about who I am. I'm not saying I'm perfect, never have. And I will continue to make mistakes for the rest of my life - that's what human beings do. That's not to brush off what happened. Was it a mistake? It's not a mistake that I'm sitting beside her now, though. Being together, we are a packaged deal. I wouldn't have gotten to where I am without her.

[Demon Dom]

But let me confess something here - it WAS cheating. We stayed loyal, we stayed honest, we "preserved" - but it was still a BETRAYAL.

Je t'aime.

[Rachie]

But recently, while still holding that belief, I began to question - is it really too much to ask of men to be sexually, as well as emotionally, faithful?

No it's not to much to ask, if it's what they agreed to before the relationship began.

Why would you marry someone with whom you are not honest, someone to whom you cant trust?

Maybe the person didn't realize they were being dishonest until after they were married, and maybe they were just scared of the truth and didn't want to see it themselves.

How do you deal with infidelity (in more conventional relationships),...especially when there is an added element of bdsm involved?

I don't, there's no such thing as infidelity in my relationships as I don't demand my partner live by my rules.

What do you consider infidelity in bdsm? Is there such a thing?

Depends on the relationship, if the relationship is structured so that there is one dom and one sub and it's agreed upon that there will be no additions, then adding someone would be infidelity.

Or does the dominant get to do what they want? What about sub?

Again it depends on the relationship, however a dom does not get to cheat simply because he's a dom.

What about domming and subbing others, is that considered infidelity?

That depends on the structure of the relationship, I've been in relationships where it was, and others where it wasn't.

What is considered infidelity in polyamorous relationships?

I don't do poly relationships, so I'm not sure.

When it comes right down to it, every relationship is different because every person is different, what works for me isn't going to work for anyone else, because their brain is not a carbon copy of mine.

I'm a pretty open person, I don't expect my partner to be with only me, and I don't care one way or the other about it. When it comes right down to it, it's a security issue for me. I'm secure being me in our relationship. If my owner wants to go screw/beat/order around/ or tie up another piece of meat for the night because it's amusing, that's cool. My only stipulation is that it's done safely and that I know about it, so I'm not blind sided by "by the way your owner is a great lay" later and have to look stupid.

[Ragoczy]

Some people consider lots of things to be wrong, many of which people on this site participate in. I don't think it's enough that someone "considers" something to be wrong for them to speak in such a hurtful, sweeping manner. Of course we would all condemn a pedophile, but there's a lot of slippery slope between here and there and I don't think infidelity and pedophilia are equivalent. I think people should be very sure that whatever activity they are planning to condemn falls into the pedophile category before they use the most inflamatory and intemperate language they can muster.

Respect is a good place to start, and maybe people should ask themselves whether it's really necessary to depart from that in order to make a point.

So who is the arbiter of what someone's allowed to think is wrong and speak out against strongly? You?

Some people do form a moral equivilency between things you may not. Do you get to stop them from saying those things are wrong? No, you get to speak out against them if you feel strongly enough.

Someone who feels homosexuality is wrong will speak out strongly against it. Many do so in a way that doesn't "respect" those they're speaking out against. That's their right and, frankly, duty to vigorously oppose what they feel is so wrong.

Just as it's my right and duty to vigorously oppose their ignorant, bigoted, hateful rhetoric. I might choose to use calm, reasoned arguments with them in the hopes of convincing them, but, at some point, when I see they're set in their bigotry, it's my right and duty to call them assholes.

And I think this has veered quite off the topic of infidelity, so I'll probably try very hard to leave it at that. Really, I will. Try. Yeah.

[leah06]

That's their right and, frankly, duty to vigorously oppose what they feel is so wrong.

People have many duties and sometimes they appear to conflict. I would simply urge people who feel a duty to speak abusively about a strongly-held belief to consider whether they have other duties as well, perhaps even to other members of this community, not to damage the fabric of the discussion.