That first meeting

[lily27]

I have the opposite opinion, and think it is better to meet someone sooner rather than later. I don't mean meet and play, just meet.

Before I discovered my interest in D/s, I had been doing a fair bit of vanilla online dating. I met some interesting people (and had a three-year relationship with someone I met online), but also a whole bunch of losers. Sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince.

The thing to remember is that no matter how long and how often you talk to someone online, or on the phone, meeting them in person is like meeting someone entirely new. I am not saying that everyone is deliberately misrepresenting themselves, but online is so one-dimensional there are just a lot of things you don't know about someone. You may think you know them, but your sub-conscious just fills things in for you.... and those things are always positive. So you are existing in a half reality / half fantasy world.

When you meet someone in person, all of a sudden things like body language, the way they smell, and the way they treat the waitress all become very important. I am not saying it is always going to be negative, but you have to prepare yourself that it might be. All of a sudden, you could be totally turned off by the person you thought you were falling in love with.

I learned quickly that if I was going to be horribly disappointed, I would rather be disappointed after talking to someone for a week rather than a whole year. After feeling someone out for a few days online and then on the phone (I always insisted on talking on the phone first because my "creep detector" works a lot better when I can hear someone's voice), it was time to meet for coffee. I think it is also a lot safer to do this BEFORE someone knows your last name, where you live, where you work, etc.

So this experience carried over when I switched from vanilla dating sites to BDSM ones. I had been talking to several different Doms when I got a message from Master and we really clicked. We talked online and then on the phone for hours. A few days later he drove up to where I lived (we were about a 2 1/2 hour drive apart at that point) and we met at Starbucks after I got off from work. Things clicked really well, and now we are living together and expecting a baby.

A lot of people are going to disagree with me on this one, but I think people put too much value in safecalls. If you are meeting a psychopath, by the time you miss your safecall you will probably already be in serious danger, or worse. All your friend is going to be able to do is tell the cops where you were SUPPOSED to be. Not all that helpful if things really go sideways. I think it is much better to just look out for yourself, go slow, and trust your instincts.

My safety rules when meeting someone new?

1) ALWAYS trust your instincts. If it doesn't feel right, it isn't. Run.
2) Meet in a public location.
3) Do NOT play right away. Get to know the person.
4) When you do start playing, don't let the other person restrain you right away. There are lots of fun and kinky things you can do that doesn't restrict your ability to run if you need to.
5) Don't tell the other person too much personal information about you until you get to know them better. I was always less concerned about murderers and rapists as I was about someone stalking me at work.
6) Don't feel like you have to fall into your D/s roles right away. If it doesn't feel natural, don't do it. Let things progress at your own pace.
7) Always make sure you have the means to take care of yourself, and get yourself home. Don't rely on the other person to drive you anywhere. When I was younger and first started dating, one of the rules my parents had was that I was to always have "Mad Money" so that I could get myself home (in a cab or whatever) if things went badly. Fortunately I have never had to use it.

The above all assumes you are meeting someone locally. If you are travelling, the risk intensifies, both when it comes to personal safety as well as emotionally (and financially!). It was always more than I was willing to risk. I was also looking for a r/l relationship, and after getting out of a long distance relationship I wasn't willing to do it again. But the above rules apply. Get your own hotel room, and don't tell the other person where it is. And make sure you have enough money (or room on your credit cards!) to get yourself home in a hurry if you need to.

/novel

[Tojo]

Thanks for your stories guys- it's always good to hear how people meet.

Actually the thread isn't meant to be just about safety, more making the first meeting go smoothly with a little preparation. A relationship has much more chance of working out if you don't jump blindly into it.....usually.

One thing I don't think anyone's mentioned, is that when someone is pushing you to meet them, that's not a good sign. Blatantly obvious perhaps, but sometimes people forget that if someone is genuine, they won't rush you. Not ever.

Thanks for the point about talking on the phone first Lily- I'd forgotten A/G & I had many phone chats before we met.

One thing I've noticed over the years is that some people can be themselves a lot more than others online. Some either can't or won't relax & just be 'me.'

That's a point I make with my girls, D/s won't work if you're playing a part- you need to relax & be yourself- & hope to hell the other person is doing the same!

[orchidsoul]

I have the opposite opinion, and think it is better to meet someone sooner rather than later. I don't mean meet and play, just meet.

I agree too.
Of course, don't rush into anything or be unsafe, but...

Had I met him immediately I would have known he lied to me about everything he was- including his skin color (which I never understood.)

It can go both ways- rushing to meet someone can seem creepy, but constantly finding excuses to not meet up can (and I think usually are) truths trying to be protected as opposed to just being nervous.

I'm a firm believer in phone conversation before meeting anyone as well.

I've only met people online from dating sites- never a bdsm site- but am always more interested in meeting sooner rather than later. Also, just meet up in a public place for starters has always worked out for me.

Having the experience of creating a very emotional relationship through email and phone conversation, then having it all be deceit has left me with no desire to prolong reality ever again.

[Tojo]

He lied about his skin colour??

One of my friends met a guy who sent a pic taken of him 10 or more years ago & said it was up to date.

She's met a lot of guys on Craigslist & those sort of sites & had some pretty disappointing experiences- the most common one being guys who think they're Doms.

A few have turned out to be subs masquerading as Doms, but perhaps that's just her....