Tojo, it's none of my business, but does that mean your wife knows about the other relationships you have (the woman you're in love with)? I don't know all the details of your situation, but it sounds like you don't worry about keeping these things secret.

Whether she knows or not, it's interesting that you love her and also love another woman. I think it's a rare and lucky person who's never had the experience of being in love with more than one person at a time. Getting married doesn't suddenly make you immune to it; nor does falling in love with another woman mean you'll leave your wife.

My personal experience with it is this: I was an adulterer. I got married young and became dissatisfied with my marriage. I began forming friendships with men, and it was only a matter of time before friendships started becoming more. For a time, I had a romantic but not sexual relationship with a co-worker; later, I had a sexual online relationship with a dominant. I still loved my husband, and while it wasn't difficult to find time for the other relationships, I can't describe the hell I went through worrying that he would "catch" me. Not because I worried he'd leave me--I wanted him to leave me. But because I knew it would break his heart; I knew what a betrayal it was. I knew that I should have had the guts to either fix the relationship or leave it, but not to do neither.

Eventually I found the man who is now my lover, my partner, and soon (hopefully!) to be my husband. I left my ex for him, and the relief that came from no longer having to lie is wonderful. Our faithfulness to each other is not because we're perfect sex partners (we are, but that's not the point :-) ) or because no one of the opposite sex will ever catch our eyes, it's because we both know the pain of constantly lying to a loved one.

But that's just my experience. For me, any relationship that causes me to lie to my partner--about where I am, whom I'm with, what I'm doing, or how I feel about it--is cheating. I won't judge anyone else who does this, but for me, it's not worth it.